Dolph Lundgren: A Tribute To Sweden's Ironman

"Fgsfds"

I'm envious of any man who can have an I.Q. of 160, attend MIT and have been in 31 movies, none of them good. Remember Ivan "I Must Break You" Drago? Yes, that was ol' Dolph. Remember the original Punisher? And the He-Man movie from the 80's? No? Well, they were all Dolph. The man can kickbox like no other, and can act like no other. Well, he can't act, but his lack of acting abilities is unlike any other. Dolph, this one's for you.

Please note that this "tribute" is actually just a stock post for when I can't think of anything else to post.

Gone for another week. May post, hell, I don't know. Whatever.

Currently Watching: The Butterfly Effect

I've thought it was August for the past week or so. Is it August? I don't know. I'd say I don't care and be a rebel and that shit, but I really do care. The question still stands. August: yay or nay?

So like I said the other day, I rented XXX2. Well I was reading the box on it because I was bored. There was a review on it that said "The best action movie of the year." How the fuck can you know that, considering it came out in like March? So I came to the conclusion that movie critics suck. Their reviews are worth about as much as something with virtually no worth at all. Take a look at some of these:
"Exuberant and insidiously funny"-a review for Zoolander. Do you think the average person who would have interest in that movie has the slightest idea what that means? Same goes for the guy who said Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was a 'blast of comic irreverence'.
"Totally cool!" - a review for The Day After Tomorrow. Good to see that 4th graders can be movie critics too.
"...Smart..." -a review for The Bourne Supremacy. Hmm, I was under the impression that movies couldn't be intelligent, because they're MOVIES FOR GOD'S SAKE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Just like the guy who called some other movie 'sexy'. Oh, so now you want to have sex with a movie? WHAT. THE. HELL.
Now I'd like to bitch'n'moan about something even worse: PANSY 'ROCK'. My sisters and their friends are listening to some shitass NOW CD, and they've gone back to putting non-rap/hiphop on there. Too bad they're putting Pussy McBitches like GAVIN DEGRAW and... and RYAN CABRERRA. And that God-forsaken Rise Against. Don't even get me started on "punk rockers" like Ashlee Simpson, Avril Lavigne and the other pieces of shit on that CD. This stuff is doing for rock/alternative/all the other names for it what movies like The Ring/The Grudge/Boogeyman/ etc. did for horror movies; it convinced 5th through 8th graders they can handle awesome stuff. Let's take some of these kids who watched The Ring and thought they were big horror movie fans and show them A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween or Alien. They would absolutely shit themselves. Especially after what happened to Johnny Depp in the former. But back to the original rant: whenever I go to a music store, I feel like I've been given an estrogen shot when I go into the rock section. And it sucks.

The Bravery>The Killers

So this site sucks

Currently Listening To: Weezer

Well, that's one the general public says, though the general public's site isn't exactly... Good, shall we say? So what was the one, meager suggestion I got? "may i suggest fox news?" Well fuck that. Well, I actually took this advice at first. I went there, and it was nothing like my precious CNN. Sure, it had videos of stuff, but not important things like "Cats set by mail arrive PURRFECT. Get it? Cats purr, and so we made a pun using that." And then there's the ads. Fox News' ads? Mortgages and free Applebee's giftcards. Makes me feel poor. And fat. I don't go to news websites for news, I go to feel better about myself. CNN's less flashy, non make-you-go-blind-or-have-a-seizure ads? A hotel. If you go to a hotel like the Westin, you probably have a job, so then I feel smart and sophistimacated.
Tomorrow I'm going to see the Island... With my grandmother. She likely has no idea what the movie is about aside from the fact that Sean Bean is in it, and she has this weird obsession with him. And that is weird. Very weird.

Pictures can make the worst site awesome.

I watched Attack of the Clones thrre times the other day, and A New Hope today, after playing Shadows of the Empire and Episode One Racer on the N64. Can you say obsessed?

CNN.com - Astronomers claim discovery of solar system's 10th planet - Jul 30, 2005

I must say that "2003UB313" is a very catchy name. Fits right in with Pluto and... those other ones.

From the makers of the "You're the man now, dog" continuous loop

NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Where is Padme?

Vader on the Wheel of Fortune

OOOOOOOOOOON!

xXx: Why I Love Black People

Currently Listening To: Country Grammar/Basket Case by Green Day vs. Nelly

1996: The world is saved from aliens by Will Smith, which he repeats twice more.
1998: Wesley Snipes fends off a vampire takeover, which he as well repeats. Twice.
2004: Robots try to take over the world, despite what the white man says, and the day is again saved by the Fresh Prince.
Where would the world be without paranoid black people? We would be ruled by alien vampire robots. Boy would that suck. So I rented xXx: State of the Union tonight. I was worried it would suck. All through the movie, I was saying, "Please don't suck, please don't suck." When it was through, I jumped up and shouted "THANK GOD IT DIDN'T SUCK," but then I realized that it hadn't started yet. It was actually pretty good, though, in all honesty. It's about a general who wants to kill everyone with more power than him so he can be president. I guess he wants to make America perfect or something, but whatever. Anyways, he plans to do this by using his own private army to do this, and he's going to frame a bunch of black guys to cover it all up. It was like I was back in the 70's watching Shaft or some other blaxploitation movie. So it was great. If you don't know what blaxploitation is, just think of Undercover Brother, but not a comedy. By the end of this movie, I was ready to go out and KILL WHITEY. But I didn't. So basically, it's the first one, but with rap music instead of skater crap, and there was actually a point behind all the blowing crap up. So now we have "2005: Ice Cube saves whitey from whitey." Black people are awesome because the Man is always bringing him down, yet they still don't mind saving the day. All they ask for in return is a sequel.

And Samuel Jackson is a badass.

CNN.com - Falling foam surprises Discovery crew - Jul 29, 2005

Okay folks, let's pretend for a moment that you are in charge of a large organization that sends shuttles into space. Things are fine and dandy, but everyonce in a while a shuttle goes up but doesn't come back down not-in-a-firey-explosion. This past firey explosion was caused by stuff falling off the shuttle. Two years later, you send another shuttle up. And what happens? Stuff starts falling off. Why wasn't loose crap the first thing you punks checked for? Well, you did check for it but the official checkers were pisspoor, and they did a job worse than I would have. People are stupid. Except for me. I'm awesome.

CNN.com - Scout on life support after lightning strike - Jul 29, 2005
Boy Scouts expected to be extinct by Monday.

Poorly Translated Star Wars

Very, very poorly.

CNN.com - Youth sentenced to detention center in baseball bat killing - Jul 29, 2005

"Watching my son die in front of my face was devastating."

What a little pussy McBitch. If I were a father, we lived in L.A. and some little punk was beating the shit out of my kid, that little punk would have been down and out before he could say "Sorry Mr. Dangerously. I promise to never attack your son again if you'll just stop beating the ever-loving shit out of me." Then I'd do what they do to suicide bombers in Israel and take a wrecking ball to his family's house.

Currently Listening To: Ready, Steady, Go by Paul Oakenfold

I always thought it was understood that Bert and Ernie were brothers, or just longtime friends with nothing in common. The internet has shown me otherwise. It's like that godforsaken Tinkie Winkie. Where the hell do people pick up these gay vibes in kids shows? Damn you Jerry Falwell. Which reminds me of some quote I heard on T.V. a while back. Can't remember the show, seeing as all this crappy T.V. just blends together. Anyways, the quote was: "I bet Jerry Falwell thinks about gay people more often than gay people do."

If you're wondering who Jerry Falwell is, he is an asshole. He blamed 9/11 on gay people and feminists, said Tinky Winky was gay and shouldn't be shown to children, said the prophet Muhammad was a terrorist (which caused for some Iranian higher-up to send out a fatwa for Falwell's death), compared gay marriage to slavery, and sued Larry Flint for invasion of privacy after Flint said Falwell's first time was with his mom. When King Arthur, William Shakespeare, Chaka Khan and the other inventors of the English language came up with the phrase "This guy is a prick and an asshole and I frankly don't like him very much," they were talking about him.


Oh, and an awesome prize to whoever figures out the joke behind that Bloodhound Gang song title a few posts back. Hopefully it doesn't take too long.

CNN.com - Hundreds of Boy Scouts fall ill from heat - Jul 28, 2005

Okay, so first four scout leader guys are electrocuted, then Bush can't come because of shitty weather, and now they're all getting sick and passing out from the heat. Do you ever get the feeling you aren't supposed to be somewhere?

What Happens When You Hold The Phone Too Close To The Speaker

Sorry about the agonizing screeching noise. Once you hear that, you can just ex out, seeing as there is nothing left to hear.

CNN.com - New steps against child soldiers - Jul 27, 2005

The new steps? Grenades. Huzzah!

Currently Listening To: Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo by Bloodhound Gang


So I'm watching Collateral. I love it. Especially the part where Tom Cruise and Jaime Fox are abducted by aliens, and are about to die but then Tom gives money to L. Ron Hubbard and they are set free.

In other news, I shaved off my uni-brow. I know what you're thinking, "Oh Clive, you handsome devil! You didn't have a uni-brow!" But I assure you I did. You just couldn't see it. I could feel it. It was fairly thick, and very light colored, but now it is GONE. Why is it gone? I was shaving earlier, and I was like, "Well that was quick." So I started shaving other parts of my face, like the uni-brow and my sideburns. I'm sure my face now looks like shit. But I had fun, and that's all that matters.

Oh my... Quetzalcoatl?

CNN.com - New Mel Gibson film to be in Mayan - Jul 26, 2005


'The controversial Church of Scientology has slammed reports one its rituals was responsible for the sores on Katie Holmes' mouth in May. Only a week after Tom Cruise and Holmes confirmed they had been dating for "a couple of weeks" in late April, the former Dawson's Creek star was photographed with several cold sores and a red rash around her mouth. While most critics believed Holmes had acquired the sores from her public kissing sessions with Cruise, several gossip columnists claimed the 26-year-old actress developed the sores after enduring a Scientology process, known as purification. Holmes has been studying the religion since she began dating her now-fiance Cruise. The alleged client of the purification is given vitamin B3 (niacin), which helps to decrease cholesterol and boost circulation. However, a spokesman for the church says, "Whatever is on Katie's face has nothing to do with us. It's insulting that you would ask such a thing."'

This sounds to me like the "purification" was actually a huge orgy, and Katie Holmes got herpes from Kirstie Allie, John Travolta or L. Ron Hubbard himself.

Disney No Longer Worried About Running Out Of Ideas For Movies

Currently Listening To: l Love You 'Cause I Have To by Dogs Die In Hot Cars

Seeing as they can just rip off Marvel comics-turned-movies, like they have already begun doing. Take a look:
Fantastic Four- Four super heroes; one can turn into fire, one who is really strong(also made of rock), one can stretch a good bit and into cool shapes and such and the last can turn invisible and make force fields
The Incredibles- Four super heroes, but hey, these guys and gals are a REAL family so it doesn't count! Anyways, one is strong, but that doesn't necesarily mean they're copying, right? That's fairly common to have your hero be supa strong, so no harm done there. Then we have the fast kid, no connection to FF there, except that the Human Torch can fly fast. Again, not an idea that was too original in the first place. Then we have the mom, who can stretch. Same story there. But then we get to the daughter. This is where the Incredibles' defense falls apart almost immediately. She can turn invisible and she can make force fields and shit. I didn't watch the whole thing, so I don't know what the bad guy's powers or the the baby's powers were, but one can only assume they were similar to Fantastic Four.

The second comparison is between Disney's newest movie, Sky High and X-Men(the movie). I've only seen the trailer of Sky High, but it's fairly obvious that it's a rip off of X-Men AND Fantastic Four:
X-Men-School for mutants (kids with powers), run by guy with mind powers, not particularly nice kid with flame-throwing abilities (Pyro), new kid struggling to fit in/gain acceptance with just about everyone there is (Rogue)
Sky High- School for future superheroes (kids with powers), run by guy with mind powers (I'm just guessing but he does have a colossal head, so I'm probably right. Hell, I'm always right, bitch.), bully with flame throwing powers (mean kid who throws fire at main kid), new kid struggling to fit in/finding his powers/please his parents (the main kid). On top of that, one kid can turn into rocks. I feel that I have well-supported my theory. And I know what comes next. "Oh, but all MARVEL comics have guys with the same powers!" Well that's because they were pretty much all written by the same guy. And he's an old guy. What can you expect? Besides, if there weren't any duplicate MARVEL heroes, we'd have some guy who is a supposed bad ass whose power is like the ability to fluff pillows or pick up litter at the speed of light. I think you bastards need to learn to appreciate me more. I went through a lot of ANGUISH AND PAIN* to gather the info for that rant, and this is the thanks I get? You ungrateful assholes.

I also had a great rant about Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas planned out, but my opinion, which I developed before reading Maddox's theory, is pretty much the same. I'm not trying to be like him, I just have the same opinion as him. So sue me. Instead, you get to read a rant about the Subway guy. And how much of a hypocrite he is. Have you seen that commercial where he's whining and griping about chicken from McDonald's and Burger King? "Oh, it's covered in grease and deep fat fried and it's not real chicken! Waa! Waa!" Hey, Jared, why don't you SHUT THE HELL UP. YOU WEREN'T COMPLAINING WHEN YOU WERE SHOVELLING THAT SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT SEVEN YEARS AGO YOU FAT ASSHOLE. Wait, maybe I was wrong. In fact, I'm sure I was. I know for a fact the Jared got fat after years of eating salad and grilled chicken and whole wheat bread and all kinds of other healthy crap. DAMN THAT HYPOCRITE PISSES ME OFF.

*a lot of ANGUISH AND PAIN= me watching the trailer for Sky High

Great Scott!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Clive Dangerously's Super Fantastico Book Club

Currently Listening To: Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drums by a Perfect Circle

(Alternate post titles included: Look! I can be trendy too! and Move out of the way, Oprah, another shitty book club has spawned from Satan's ass!)

Harry Potter Book Six: Ron dies. The end.

Freakonomics: Imagine a funny book about society and such, but without the funny bit. Travel through time with whoever wrote it as he explores stuff like how being named RayShawn affects how well you do in life and why crime rates go up around 18 years after abortion is banned. Worth reading. I suppose. I read this one supafast.


Also, from the assholes who brought you The Clive Dangerously blahblah Book Club comes... CLIVE DANGEROUSLY'S VERY BRIEF MOVIE REVIEWS:
Fantastic Four: Good.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Better.

CNN.com - Man survives 5 days in lava field - Jul 24, 2005

He had actually been left there for dead by his former master, who ruthlessly chopped off all of his limbs.

CNN.com - Shooting victim's kin: Sorry not enough - Jul 23, 2005

Currently Listening To: My Best Friend by Weezer

Of course good ol' Charlie de Brazil did nothing wrong by not cooperating with the fuzz. Regardless of the situation, you comply, but the day after a second attack in two weeks, you damn well better comply, or else they should pump your thick skull full of lead. And who the fuck wears a trenchcoat in the tube during the middle of summer? There's no AC down there, so the guy obviously wasn't too sharp. He also is at fault for living in the same flat building as a suspected bomber. Well, I don't really believe that, but it was some decent shock value, no?

Out of Town-Ness

Currently Listening To: Let's Do This (Like Brutus) by Homestar Runner

So I am going out of town for a week. I won't be able to make any new posts- well, actually, I will, but since I already said I won't be able to, I can't, because it would be wrong to lie to the hard working American public. I hate it when people say they won't be able to post, yet they still do. I mean, either post or don't, but don't say one thing and do another you lying commie bastard.

Of course, he didn't tell me to my face. He told my brother.
Actually, it went more like, "What'd you think of that Run Lola, Run?"
"I didn't see it. My brother rented it." "Oh, so he's the gay one."

The Deli's Pick

Currently Listening To: Damnit, I can't think of anything clever to say. Fudge it.

Not half bad. Hell, not even a quarter bad. If I had to say something, I'd say somewhere between one-eighth and one-sixteenth bad. So that would be, what, three-thirty-seconds bad? ONE WORD*: I HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS. And then I was all, "Ahh, look at this time on my hands! Get it off, get it off!" and then I washed my hands, but they didn't feel any different, so I washed them some more and developed a compulsive-hand-washing-complex. It took three years of therapy to rid me of this complex, but the scars still live on...

And every once in a while, those scars open up, and blood gets all over my hands. And then I go and wash my hands, but some of the blood has already temporarily stained my skin, and that blood doesn't come off as easily, and I must wash some more. Then I realize that I have a compulsive handwashing complex, and I likely need to get psychiatric help so this "habit" doesn't take over my life.

*It has recently come to my attention that the phrase "ONE WORD" is potentially misleading seeing as the following sentence is quite possibly more than one word. I, along with all of the editors, writers and publicists of Some Whiny Kid would like to apologize for any potential confusion this may have caused.
STOP HERE AND COME BACK LATER TO READ ON
So I watched what is possibly the worst T.V. show ever last night. The Swede told me about it, and if the Swede could be on this show, it's bound to be good. Because all of the shows he wants to be on are like the highest quality reality shows out there. But not Brat Camp. Brat Camp sucked. First of all, it wasn't a camp. I figured it would be like, Camp Hell, with cabins and a lake and a dining hall and a craft shed and all of this other camp-type stuff, but no, the sleep in a teepee. And the only other covered shelter-type thing was a tarp propped up by some poles. And they move "camps" alot. The kids weren't really bad kids, either, they were just really whiny/bitchy and their parents were week. FYI, lady, if your kid could beat you up, and is threatening to do so, child abuse isn't called child abuse any more. It's called beating the shit out a thnug who is threatening you to get his way because you've been letting him have his way all his life and so he's used to it. He's not angry at you because he never had a father figure, he's just doing what you've let him do for the past sixteen years, but now the "I won't love you anymore" act isn't quite as effective, so he breaks his fist out. BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM WITH A BASEBALL BAT. Pretend he's some thug on the street who wants your purse, because he practically is. He wants money, or something money can get, and he could beat you up. The only difference is he lives in your house. GET SOME BALLS YOU OLD HAG. The producers of the show were obviously heavily biased against the "brats", judging by the name of the show and the fact the one of the kids is identified as "angry punk". The "guides" are hippies. Thy have names like "Fire Eagle", "Wind Mother" and "Humps Trees in his spare time, which is basically when he isn't attending PETA demonstartions or making hemp bracelets so he can smoke them when he makes another". What a crappy show. Almost as crappy as that one my sister was watching the other day. It was on Nickelodeon, and it was called "Zoey 101". It's about this girl named Zoey whose parents were tired of, say, parenting her so they sent her to a preppy boarding school on the California coast. At this school, the kids just kind of hang out. No supervision, no learning, no rules what so ever. They just go around re-enacting plots from other high school shows, but with less charm, wit and other words critics like to throw around a lot.
So let's review: Mind of Mencia=good, Brat Camp/Being Bobby Brown/Zoey 101=bad(parents, concept, scripts). Done.

Mexcellence

Ehh... whatever. Just click it.

I didn't feel like putting up a terribly lame joke.

Boy dies playing 'passing out game,' officials believe

Words cannot describe... how stupid kids from Idaho must be. "Hey, here's a fun new game: hanging yourself until you pass out! And when you die, your little friend will just leave your rotting corpse there!" In the eternal words of Kuni, "YOU SO STUPID!"

Australian lawyer McCheesed off with fast-food giant
For the love of God, let the man have his nick. It will be the first step to the public never having to hear lame "McWhatever" puns ever again. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

White House: Bush confident in Rove

Resisting... Urge.. to talk.. About political crap... HA. I beat it. I beat the urge to bore you to death with politics.

Mother charged after kids take turns in trunk
So does this make mailing your baby home from the hospital illegal, too? DAMN.

Girl Critical After Riding Disney's 'Tower Of Terror' Ride
Thus proving the joke about Disney World being a people trap run by a mouse to be, in fact, true.

Executed man's case re-opened
A lot of good that'll do. Guess what: he's dead! If he turns out he was innocent, HE WOULD STILL BE DEAD. CAPITAL PUNISHMENT=IRREVERSIBLE.

Scion Conspiracy (EDIT: Now with more crap below!)

Currently Listening To: Reptilia by the Strokes

When these cars first came out, someone at school compared them to MINI Coopers on steroids. It would be more accurate to compare them to MINI Coopers on heroin.

I was looking for pictures of these ridiculous cars on Google for this magnificent work, but I couldn't find any good ones. Then I realized why. You can't take a good picture of something that looks bad. Have you ever seen a good picture of Hitler? No. And I do not mean to compare Hitler to Scions. Well, actually, I do. A secret Nazi conspiracy faction has implanted computers in all of these pieces of shit so that they can be made to run down Jewish people. Pepsi and Scion are for Nazis. Are YOU a Nazi? I certainly hope not. No one likes Nazis. Well, I don't like them , and I certainly hope you don't like them. I don't want any Nazi supporters to be entertained by my hilarity. Only people who don't mercilessly slaughter innocent people are allowed here.

Went to the airport last night for about the eighth time this summer. But I don't mind. It's great to go people watching there. Plenty of people were wearing strange/awesome clothes, like the gay guy (HAH! Who am I kidding? Gay guys. As in, mulitple gay guys, which is the true indicator of whether or not a place is a city or a town: how many obviously gay people do you see in a day when in this place? I saw many. So Atlanta is a real city. Hooray!) and the Mennonite couple(Well, that's what we finally decided on, but we weren't totally sure). And there are always guys there wearing very short shorts. And not the gay men, becuase the gay guys at the airport mostly wear tight jeans. WEIRD. But whatever, doesn't matter to me. In other news, today I saw a shirt that had a picture of the flag that has a big blue X with stars in it and a red background and under it read, ""If you are offended by this shirt, you must need a history lesson," which got me thinking, Why do people get so upset about it? I mean, it's just a flag, but then again it's just a flag, the first half of that referring to the people who are so upset by it, the second bit referring to the people who find it to be so important. A flag=no big deal. Calm the fack* down, fackers.

DANGEROUSLY'S DICTIONARY: fack (faak) expletive
1. Fuck, as a Yankee, such as my father, would say it.

Any Movie With A Guy Named Pillsbury Is Bound To Kick Ass

Currently Listening To: Hot Pursuit (Bonus Track from Europe) by the Bravery

The Samoan guy behind Asia Argento is Pillsbury, and boy is he a badass. I saw Land of the Dead last night, and I must say it was the coolest fucking movie, pretty much ever. It's my new favorite. A few reasons:
1. Lack Of Talentless Hacks That Everyone Loves Despite Their Talentless-Ness: The biggest stars in this movie were Dennis Hopper and John Legui... Leguizamo. I guess that's how it's spelled. And the only other person in the movie I recognized was Shawn Roberts, the rapist from Degrassi, which means that this movie, unlike, say, Madagascar, actually needed to have substance/awesome to be greenlighted. Madagascar relied on Ben Stiller and Chris Rock to make up for the lack of direction. Land of the Dead, on the other hand, relied on ass-kickery to make up for... Well, the ass-kickery was just there because every good movie has one form or another of ass-kickery. There were no flaws, except that they could have tacked on ten or so minutes of more ass-kickery just for the hell of it.
2. Plenty Of Awesome Names: The previously mentioned Pillsbury, Cholo, Slack, Mouse, Gus, Chihuahua. I mean, any movie worth watching has at least one good nickname in it, and this movie had plenty.
3. Depiction of a Zombie Removing Someone's Bellybutton Ring: Need I say more?
4. Depiction of Zombies: I suppose I should have known they'd be in it, but I was still pleasantly surprised.
5. A Zombie Clown: Yessir, a zombie clown. There is nothing funny about someone with a nickname being eaten, unless he is being eaten by a zombie. I mean, clown.There was one thing that disappointed me about this magnificent spectacle of modern filmmaking: As I was walking into the theater, two teenage girls walked in behind me. One says to the other, "Is this the right theater?"
"I don't know, the thing outside didn't say what number it is." And I just thought to myself, This is gonna be great! They won't figure out that Herbie or Bewitched or whatever is next door until they've already seen mass zombie carnage and head explosions. I can't wait!"
But then, to my utter horror, "Land of the Dead" appears on the screen and they're still sitting there. And they loved it. I should have asked for their numbers, seeing as a girl who likes zombie movies and is attractive will do just fine for me. But no, I didn't do that either. DAMNIT. But anyways, back to the ass-kissing. Go see this movie. And if you are my neighbor, stop screaming.

A warning For All Naughty Chillins

Don't let Timmy's fate become that of you!

CNN.com - Baby panda born at National Zoo - Jul 9, 2005

I wish they wouldn't call them giant pandas. If gives off the impression that there are pandas at that zoo that are 20 feet tall and breathe fire. That would kick so much ass.

Hurricanes With Lame Names

Currently Listening To: Take My Temperature by Kaiser Chiefs

Dennis. Cindy. These are the names of hurricanes today. The problem? Those names are probably the least intimidating names possible for something as destructive as a hurricane. Cindy reminds me of the girl from the Brady Bunch and Dennis makes me think of a kid who has no friends and still likes Pokemon(Or do they call it Yugioh now?) in high school. Going down the list of last year's hurricanes is pretty grim too. Ivan and Otto are the only ones that would remotely cause panic in my mind. I mean, Charley? Karl? What? And Tomas reminds me of the bitchy gay guy on Degrassi. Ivan is good because of Ivan the Terrible, that czar who... was terrible. But not like 'crappy' terrible, like 'mean' terrible. And things only get worse. Here are some more of the names in store: Gert, Harvey, Jose, Stan, Tammy, Wilma, Ernesto, Oscar, Tony, I mean, this is just sickening! They should name them until the storm is coming, so they can see if it's a big storm or a crappy one. That way, weak, pussy-type hurricanes(You know, the ones that will get downgraded to "Tropical Storm") can get names like Wand and Humberto and names like Dolph and Yuri and other such Eastern European sounding names. Those kinds of names are bad ass. If you heard that Hurricane Nikolai was coming your way, you'd shit yourself. But Hurricane Sally? You'd be laughing too hard to be scared. Hurricane Sally. Hah. That's funny.

300th Post

Currently Listening To: Swollen Summer by the Bravery (from the Reno 911 commercials)

This is a good song. This is a good band. Their CD sells for muy cheapo. It was like 10 bucks at Target. I love Target. Because I feel so high class when I go there. Probably due to the lack of a hunting section and the lack of gray in the store. It feels like a store instead of, say, a factory where teens, old people and illegal immigrants are exploited by being overworked and under paid. Haha, that doesn't really matter to me. I just don't like the other store because they wouldn't sell me the South Park movie. That's the only reason. And since my Wal-Mart boycott in March, I have visited a Wal-Mart about 15 or 20 times, but not bought ANYTHING. The important thing is for me to realize that my boycott means nothing. Wal-Mart doesn't notice my lack of buying things there at all. As long as I keep that in mind, it's still worth it. I'm not quite sure why, but it's still gratifying. I know why! It's becuase one day, I will lead a peasant revolt against Wal-Mart. We will destroy the Wal-Mart and the Man will buckle with fear. He will have been defeated once and for all and America will become a utopian society where people just run around and enjoy themselves. So it is worth it, as I am the soon-to-be posterboy of the resistance. Or I'm just some kid with a fat ass and massive paranoia nad there will never be a peasant revolt but it's still worth it. Yes, it is still worth it. Sookaygoodbye.

Tom Cruise Is A Shitty Father

Was Watching: War of the Worlds

I know what you want me to say. Well, not what you want, but what you expect me to say. You expect me to say "It sucked." So I will. It sucked. But I don't mean it. I didn't like it, but it was a great movie. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. It's a great movie but I didn't like it. I've spent the last two hours thinking about how that can be possible but it is beyond me. Anyways, I think the reason I don't like it is because it was just so fucking depressing. Most of the time in a distasterous movie like this, or a zombie movie, or a shitty-weather movie ( I love the Day After Tomorrow! So much! It's awesome!), millions upon millions of people die. Millions of millions of people die in this one, but the actually show a large number of them dying. People being disintegrated, people drowning, people being drained of their blood, people being crushed, bodies floating in rivers. In those other movies, a large percentage of the deaths are shown off screen or implied. In zombie movies, you don't see most of the people who die dying. You see them after they died, and after they came back from the dead. But War of the Worlds is just plain "fucking disturbing". I really could have gone without the disintegration bit. Maybe I wouldn't be so bothered by that if I wasn't feeling so down lately. Notice I didn't say 'depressed', because no professional has ever told me I am depressed, so I probably am not. But if I did say I was depressed, I would have said I suffered from self-diagnosed depression. It's important for people to know that you're not really depressed so then they don't feel unnecessary pity for you. Remember kids, if you're e-depressed, don't lie to people about it. And if you're real depressed, don't tell Tom Cruise because he'll just tell you it's because you're possessed by dead aliens and that you can feel better by giving money to L. Ron Hubbard. And Dakota Fanning is scary. I mean, that bitch is pretty blove. And she screams a lot. My dad was like, "I would have left her ass behind a long time ago." She kept screaming! And his son was an ass too. He kept running off. I mean, I know that wealthy New England teens have a lot of angst, but when the world is being leveled by giant robots, you better fucking listen to Tom Cruise. I mean, your dad. You don't just run off. He ran away like five times. Good job, dumbass. If I were Tom Cruise and my kids were being bitchy during the end of the world, I would have said, "Okay, stay at home and we'll see who survives." For once, I want to see a family in a disaster movie NOT be dysfunctional. They're just a big, happy family fighting aliens/zombies/weather/commies/Nazis/terrorists. None of this drama bullshit, just stuff blowing up. And kicking some serious alien/zombie/weather/commie/Nazi/terrorist ass. And at what point do you say to yourself, "I look like Tom Cruise, my daughter looks like Dakota Fanning and my ex looks like that chick from that one movie, chances are, I'm in an action movie and even though everything goes to hell, we're still gonna pull through." How the fuck do you not notice that you look like a certain movie star and your life is really just a movie? And afterwards, we went to Hooters. Every time we go to Hooters, I can't help but laugh because my dad is the only person who goes for the wings, and you can sure as hell tell. He just watches T.V. and eats the wings, almost oblivious to what is going on. Cracks me up. Well, anyways, like I said earlier, it is rude to blow people up. Very impolite. Terrible manners.

Blowing People Up Isn't Very Nice

What more can I say?

Wal-Mart Stripping More People Of Their Income

Those bastards.

CNN.com - Sleepwalker rescued from crane - Jul 6, 2005

I'm sorry, but there is no way in hell you can just sleepwalk up to the top of a crane. He obviously wanted to kill himself, but had second thoughts, and pissed himself becuase he was on top of a crane and cried for his 'mum'. What a little bitch.

USATODAY.com - Summer films: Sales bells ring
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy comes out on DVD near my sister's birthday, so I'll buy it for her, she won't want it then I can have it. Maybe I could buy her Robots too, because that movie sucks hella bad.

The Simpsons In Japanese

Gather 'Round Children, It's Conspiracy Theory Time!

Currently Listening To: Die, All Right! by the Hives

There's this commercial for Diet Pepsi that makes me cringe every time I see it. Why do I cringe? Because it exposes a huge conspiracy theory that the world has remained oblivious to since the dawn of man. Well, since the creation of Pepsi. Well, Diet Pepsi. But I digress. Anyways, it shows some kid closing up the Quick-E-Mart, but he left the music on. The song? Blitzkreig Bop by Ramones. And then the camera shows a drink case. There are four shelves; Diet Pepsi, Diet Coke, bottled water and sports drinks. The Pepsis are on the top dancing, and then the Diet Cokes start complaining. What's the problem there?
Now Listening To: All The Love In The World by Nine Inch Nails

A Jewish woman voices the Diet Coke. And when the bottles of water start to talk, they all have French accents. The sports drinks have very jock-y American accents. And what does the song Blitzkreig Bop refer to? The Blitz, which was when the Nazis bombed the shit out of London and some other British cities. Do you see where I'm going with this? You don't? Wow, you're one dumb piece of shit. But anyways, The Brits, Jews, French and Americans just so happened to be the people the Nazis hated most, other than cripples and gays. Well, they hated Jews the most, but Nazis hated everyone. But anyways, back to my conspiracy. Case and point, Pepsi=Nazi. So in ten years, when Nazi Cola has overnthrown our government and taken over and you could really go for a Coke, but don't want to risk being thrown into a pool of hydrocloric acid, always keep in mind that YOU were warned and YOU could have, neigh, SHOULD HAVE helped stop the problem before that cancerous growth of society got out of hand and spread everywhere. Thanks for ruining our country you asshole.

Live 8. Eh.

Currently Watching: Monk


I want a car. I have no money. How should I go about getting money for my yellow with red highlights '74 AMC Gremlin? I know, I'll raise not money, but awareness for the fact that I want a car. I'll have a big ass concert! I'll be like, on stage, singing, and playing my guitar case, and I'll be like, "Wooo! I want.... a car!" And the hot back up singers will be like ,"Not just any car!" And I'll respond with a "No, not just any car... A yellow '74 AMC Gremlin..." And they'll be like "With red...." And then we'll all say "HIGHLIGHTS."

Sure, I still won't have a car, or any money, but people will be aware the I really want a car. The problem? There isn't a single person that doesn't knowI want a car. How do I know that? Because ever since teenagers could drive, they've all wanted their own car. My wanting a car is not a new concept. So, did you enjoy my little metaphor? Or did you not get it? Well, to sum it up, "Congrats Bono, people are still poor. Your concert did nothing at all. But it was nice of you to put a-ha on stage again. But still, people are still starving in Africa. Nice effort anyways, ASS."

EDIT: Okay, so it wasn't Bono's concert. But he's still an ass.

CNN.com - Deep Impact probe hits comet, scientists exclaim "That's it?" - Jul 4, 2005

CNN.com - Teen killed for his iPod, police say - Jul 4, 2005

"Remember the good ol' days?"
"What good ol' days?"
"When kids killed each other for Pokemon cards. I mean, when people were killed by other people."

Rest In Peace

Was Watching: Mallrats

My dad and I watched Mallrats on Friday night. It was, as expected, funny. But my dad killed it. He repeated the phrase "Snoochie boochies" no less than a hundred times today. First Napoleon Dynamite, now this, what's next?

Guess who turns 43 today!

CNN.com - Missing Idaho girl found alive - Jul 2, 2005

Shasta is a badass name, no?

You're a Jerk!

Awesome Display Of My Awesome Artistic Abilites

Currently Listening To: Coffee and T.V. by Blur