Still Pissed About Pirates

Currently Listening To: Bombs Away(Danny Saber Remix)

It just dawned on me that I haven't seen my glasses since the beginning of May. Unless I am trapped in a time warp, which I most definitely am not, it is almost July. Hmph. They were broken, anyways, and I rarely wore them. Why am I telling you this?

CNN.com - Mexican stamps 'insult people around the world' - Jun 30, 2005

Why are Americans getting involved? They're MEXICAN stamps. As in, they will only be used in MEXICO. Not AMERICA. And for porn's sake, they're just stamps! With a cartoon guy on them! WHY THE HELL IS THIS NEWS?

Arrrgh! Pirates!

This has made me seriously mad. I may have to start pirating things, just so I can make piracy like it was in the old days. I definitely wouldn't look suspicious going into a movie theater dressed like a pirate. I could put the camera in my fake parrot. Haha, that's pretty funny. Did you ever notice how 'parrot' and 'pirate' are kinda-sorta similar? That is awesome. Okay, now I'm just thinking on to the keyboard, so I'll stop typing now. And sorry for the boring-as-shit audiopost.

For God's sake people, it's just pure satire and social commentary, don't get so offended!


Just kidding, but I sounded smart and sophisticated when I said that, don't you think? I also must confess something to you, my devoted and loving fanbase; I only visit this website for the pictures. Just like those lame magazines they have a the haircut place. I mean, Scuba Diving Monthly? In Georgia? Who do they think they're kidding?

Holy Jumpin' Jesus On A POGO Stick!

ScrollingBuckle.com | The Electronic Scrolling LED Belt Buckle. Only $29.99!

And hey, my birthday's coming up soon, so...

Well, actually, it's not, but buy it for me anyways.

Mmmmm... Complaining...

DISCLAIMER:*This post may sound harsh,
but it is my opinion, so shut up you fascist.*

My sister is quite possibly the single most revolting person I have ever met. Let me explain.

I am chunky. She is fat. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was pregnant at eleven, or maybe she had an alcohol problem. But no, she is just, well, large. I also find it hard to believe that she is unaware of this, but evidently she is, because she just keeps eating. She probably eats during every hour she is awake. I used to be like this, but I realized that you either need to excercise and eat poorly, or not exercise and eat well. I don't like doing stuff, so I picked door number two. But she evidently has not dawned on this brilliant idea, considering all the nasty shit she does. Like tonight, she took a nacho, broke it up into three or four pieces each time, and then dunked each piece (I mean, super-saturated the things) with sour cream. While I was making my dinner, she just reached into the styrofoam cup of mashed potatoes (I know, not a vegetable) and grabbed some. Yes, that is exactly what happened. Yesterday, she SPIT in the (neighborhood) pool several times. She also spit out her gum in the ppol, and put said gum BACK IN HER FUCKING MOUTHOHMYGODTHATISDISGUSTING. AND she has to shave her legs more often than my mom. One time I had to use her shower (she was, of course, not at home) and she clearly didn't mind LEAVING THE HAIR IN THE SHOWER. GOODNIGHT, BITCHES.

CNN.com - Boy critical after 2nd Florida shark attack - Jun 27, 2005

What's up with all of these repeat stories? What's next, another 80's-popstar-turned-really-really-creepy-guy gets off in his child molestation case?

CNN.com - Montana Boy Scout missing in Yellowstone National Park - Jun 27, 2005

Someone needs to put those child leashes on those little bastards.

The "Make Your Own Post" Post

Envision the perfect post, and then pretend that this post is that perfect post. Everybody wins and/or is happy!

CNN.com - High court OKs personal property seizures - Jun 23, 2005

What the hell kind of decision is that? I mean, what. The. Fuck. This is the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard. People who have paid their bills, done everything right, can just be kicked out of their houses? The country has officially gone to hell. I don't have to worry, because I live in a big ass subdivision, but still, this really pisses me off. Just for that, my life goal is now to become one of these greedy developers. and what will my first project be? To knock down the houses of all of the judges in favor of this. And then I'll build strip clubs where there houses were. HA. Take that you dumbass, thoughtless bitches.

CNN.com - Utah Scout feeling 'good' after ordeal - Jun 22, 2005

That's not how MY parents responded when I ran away and came back a few years ago. They didn't say they were impressed, they said, "He's back."

True story.

The Wal-Mart Is Calling!

Ex-ex-Xbox-box-box?

Box is such a funny word.

What I Did Today:

I killed 196 people and fired off 1287 bullets, all in 25 and a half minutes. Goldeneye64 is so much fun!

CNN.com - Tom Cruise Is a Nancy - Jun 20, 2005

That is all.

Wait, no it isn't! Assault? What the fuck? Now that is all.

A Degrassi Fathers' Day

Those crazy Canadians celebrate Fathers' Day a little differently than those crazy Americans. You see, when Joey Jeremiah, a used car salesman took in Canada's favorite orphan, Craig (the previously mentioned orphan) went crazy/buck wild on the previously mentioned car salesman.

One Year Anniversary

That is all.

CNN.com - Ex-hostage in Atlanta shootings is money whore - Jun 15, 2005

I wish I could get tons of money and book and movie deals for doing absolutely nothing. I'd be more impressed if she took her hostage and then she bit his face off or impaled him with a lead pipe or ripped out his spine, but all she did was talk to him. She just wants money. What a bitch. And if you're offended, good. Go fuck yourself. But leave a negative comment anyways, attention whore.

AHHHH, YOU'RE ALL WHORES IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

CNN.com - Porn star attending GOP fund-raiser - Jun 14, 2005

I'm not sure it's a good idea to have a porn star representing your party, regardless of the group or its ideals. But hey, I'm just a really, really cool kid, what do I know?

CNN.com - Jackson not guilty - Jun 13, 2005

Wait, who's Michael Jackson?

You know what's funny? If not for his court case, I wouldn't have any idea who he was.


"wtf michael jackson should not be allowed to walk the streets but well i guess its no worse than oj...we know they both did it so they should both be thrown in jail damn cops are dumasses"
Let's get started on breaking this one down:

1. He hasn't 'walked the streets' in years. He gets driven everywhere.
2. 'We' know they both did it? Were you there when O.J.'s ex was murdered? Were you in the room when Michael was sharing his bed with that kid? You couldn't possibly know whether either of them did it. Jackass.
3. The cops are dumbasses? They had nothing to do with Jackson getting off. It was the jury, specifically the old hag who decided he was guilty solely on the fact that the accuser's mother shook her finger at the jury. I am not making this up.

Okay, so no more discussion of MJ. I don't give a flying fuck, so everyone just shut up about him. Let him go back to his large mansion, pet monkey, private amusement park and enormous debt.

And check this out if you aren't already tired of Napoleon Dynamite.

Being Considered A State Doesn't Make You A Real State

You know who you are, MAINE.

Maine equals lame. Well, I suppose it wasn't that bad, but some of the people I went with were assholes, bitches or both. Most of the kids were a-ok, but the authority figures really pissed me off. Let me introduce you to all the people on this trip:

1. Myself: really cool. But you knew that. Or did you? Well, either way, you know now and that's all that matters.
2. My brother: Not a bad dude when I'm not trying to piss him off. I hung out with him a lot. AND he paid for some of my meals after I wasted money on things that I really needed, like the new Audioslave CD.
3. The "Bermuda triangle": Three cool cats (all females, none lesbians) that I hung out with when not hanging out with my brother. One is like a female version of myself, the second a girl who went from 2nd to 7th in her class after the premiere of the O.C. and the third has seen the new Star Wars 5 times. And she still almost cries when Anakin kills the toddlers. She also spent a lot of time and money at the Hemporium.
   
4. Fat Bitch #1: A large young woman who never seemed to leave me alone or take the hint that I cringed every time she spoke to me. She bitched up a storm the entire time.
5. Fat Bitch #2: Much like her sister in that she had every one of my undesirable qualities times a thousand. She is annoying and bitchy and unfunny as fuck. But you know what was funny? When my brother and I read her diary. It was on a piano and therefore fair game. She also has a bizarre infatuation with Lord of the Rings and the male characters in those really fucking boring movies/books.
   
6. The Kid Who Can't Really Talk: I used to think he was stupid, but now I know that he is just a redneck with a bit of a speech impediment and doesn't use big words much. He's a cool cat once you get to know him.
7. The Two-Faced Asshole Known As Our Group Leader: Pretty much sums it up. One minute he thinks he's a philosopher, then he wants to be your pal, then he's being a piece of shit to people for no apparent reason. Do you know what the first thing he said to me when I walked into the Sunday School classroom for the first time 2 years ago was? "I've heard about you." Though I'm not sure what I should expect from the guy who said that you sould support your president no matter what. What an ass.
8. His Wife: She really didn't talk at all. She really did nothing at all. But you know what she did do? She told her husband her opinion about me, which was based on my previous hobby of annoying her when she taught the other Sunday School class, which became her husband's opinion of me.
9. The Christian Education Director: My brother and I debated long and hard on why she came. She had no previous involvement with the group, so why does she get a free trip to Maine? She was also quite rude to my brother and I.
10. One Of The Priests: He is pretty old, and a really, really bad driver. He snores, too, and enjoys stretching out in airplane seats, much to the dismay of... me.

The highlights of the trip pretty much all involved doing things we weren't supposed to, like listening to Maria Bamford, listening to Audioslave, watching the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Degrassi and leaving the group to go hang out elsewhere, because my brother and I are cool like that. This trip was most definitely an enlightening experience. It opened my eyes to the greed and selfishness of some people from the church, showed me the ridiculousness/useless-ness of organized religion AND made me aware of the fact that I can do the Carlton dance. We went to Canada, which was cool, except they refused to let me pay my bill for lunch directly, so I didn't get any Canadian money. They also said that 10 dollars a day should be enough as far as food goes, but not only were we there for one more day than they said, but we also we forced (Yes, forced, as in we were given no choice.) to eat at some restaurants that weren't exactly cheap, though the adults didn't mind since they all had credit cards. But I bought some pretty cool stuff, which I'll post pictures of later.

This post was supposed to be longer, but I forgot a ton of stuff. I guess I'll update wehn it returns to me. That's what I get for typing over a period of two days.

Burnt Baby

More on my shitty escapades tomorrow.

You know what I'm tired of?

You know what I'm REALLY tired of?


People who complain about cursing and say that people who curse are just too stupid to think of anything else to say. 'Slike, if I were to cut off one of these people's arms with a chainsaw, am I honestly expected to believe that they'll just shake it off, keep going, just say, "Oh, dear. I guess I'm better off without it." I mean, damn these people piss me off. And how far up their *rears* are their heads? Calling people who do curse un-intelligent? What are we, in kindergarten? Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't make them stupid you SHITEATING MOTHER FUCKING DUMBASS. GO TO HELL. CUNTASSDYKEBITCH.


Tomorrow, my brother and I are going to be forced to endure the first of eight days of agonizing hell with my church's youth group in the wilderness. I'm going to call my mom ever day and let her know just how agonizing it is so the guilt can build up inside of her and eat away at her until we get back. That is, if we get back. No one bothered to ask if anyone knew CPR and there will be no hospitals for about 100 miles. We also aren't allowed to bring cellphones, but they did give us whistles, so if I get lost and my leg is broken and I'm bleeding to death, I can always whistle for an ambulance. No iPods, either, so I have to converse with those assholes for a week. TO MY MOTHER: I'm sorry for whatever I did to piss you off this bad. Just keep in mind that I'm putting you in a home when you get old, all because of this. That way, you can always have the thought in the back of your head that your agony could have been prevented by making me happy. And for once, making me happy doesn't involve you spending money; it involves you SAVING money. For God's sake, save it for college tuitions! DAMN I AM PISSED.


EDIT: And now I'm REALLY pissed because I just learned that the title of Your Communist Penpal's newest album has already been taken. This is an OUTRAGE! Green Means Go is the best album title EVER! And someone took it! Those shit eating pig fuckers!