CNN.com - Wildfire forces hundreds to evacuate - Sep 29, 2005

SAVE THEM, JANISSE RAY.

Tomorrow, my Lord and savior, Janisse Ray, will enlighten and grace us with her knowledge when she comes to speak at our school. I can garuntee that I will be paying close attention, taking notes and learning to become the best tree hugger I can be, and not sleeping or thinking about beautiful women.

CNN.com - Jews condemn Southern Baptist effort - Sep 29, 2005
I love Jews. Always have. Now I know why.

My fifth grade sister has three boyfriends. She broke up with number four today... because he was cheating. Of course, since they're in 5th grade, cheating simply means that he had another girlfriend and nothing more. Still, funny none the less.

Happy 16th, Clay.

CNN.com - Penguins stay snug and secure in minefields - Sep 27, 2005

I can't wait until some fatasspenguins comes along and blows them all to hell. I know that sounds a little sadistic, but it would be pretty funny. Funny like when Morroco offered 100,000 monkeys for the war in Iraq. They wanted them to be used to detonate land mines. Animals being blown up by land mines is fuuuuuunny!

CNN.com - Smith gave alleged courthouse shooter drugs - Sep 27, 2005
Funny how it went from 'God helped me' to 'crystal meth helped me'. Angels do not come in hillbilly heroin form. Sorry, bitch. I'm glad I never invested any pity into you.

If Christopher Walken runs for President in 2008, I'd throw away my vote for him. If Ben Affleck runs for senator of whatever state he lives in, I will cry. Affleck is the not-good.

Threadless T-Shirts - Mona Prankster, by Herman Lee
Someone buy me this. Preferably by October the Xth.

...I Think I'm A Sofa

Currently Watching: Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
To compensate for the fact that none of my other birthday presents will arrive until a month after my birthday, I was allowed to open the one package not from Amazon today. It was the movie I'm watching now, The Life Aquatic and The Hole. Damn you, George Lucas, damn you straight to hell for setting a November 1st release date.

I have some cramming to do tonight. Not for a test, but for an orthodontist appointment. I haven't worn my retainer for 6 months, give or take. Whoops. If they say I need braces again, I'll just end my orthodontic career. Orthodontia is total bullshit. My teeth are fan-fucking-tastic, I don't need any work done on them. Asshole.

And my apologies for the last post. I suppose UD does suck for anything other than awesome pictures. Don't expect a UD post ever again.

CNN.com - Georgia school closure tests parents' patience - Sep 26, 2005

If there were an election held in Georgia for governer right now, Sonny Perdue would get zero votes. Well, he'd get one vote for every high school student over the age of 18. He is the most hated man in Joja.

I Certainly Hope Jesus Isn't Your Homeboy If That's What It Means

Do not have man sex with Jesus. Period.

Currently Watching: A Nightmare On Elm Street
Things that should be banned, aside from Sugar, We're Going Down and that song about September:

1. Shirts that say "I love nerds". Anyone who wears one is likely lying, because if they really loved nerds instead of just saying they do after watching Napoleon Dynamite, they'd be wearing a nerd.
2. Popped collars. Just... Don't. They now even design collared shirts specifically to have popped collars. Only one man is allowed a popped collar. Other than that, people who slept in that morning are permitted no more than half of their collar popped. Are we clear?

My alarm clock has disappeared. I have reason to believe it was sucked into an inter-dimensional time portal. Fucking inter-dimensional time portals. If you live in another time period or dimension and have seen my beloved clock, please contact me in the third dimension. I need to know what time it is.

Me=Responsible for all those hurricanes.

Currently Listening To: Some Rage Against The MAchine song on the radio
I've angered the god of hurricanes by my post a few months back about how they all had sissy names. Oops, my bad.
So the guv-nah has cancelled school on Monday and Tuesday to conserve energy. What the hell? And when I ask, "What the hell?", it is in response to the fact that we still have school regardless, not the fact that canceling school would actually do anything productive. I wouldn't mind. I freaking hate school, cha-know?

Sugar, We're Going Down has to be one of the most godawful songs... ever. Along with Wake Me Up When September Ends, which should be forgotten forever after September 30. More like, wake me up when this GODAWFUL, SPAWNED FROM HELL SONG ENDS.

My Coverage of Hurricane Rita

Currently Watching: The Fifth Element



And thus ends the coverage of Hurricane Whatsit.

Did you guys catch the footage of the plane crash last night on the news? It was so awesome, and I don't feel bad saying it because no one died.

"That ain't lasanga."

CNN.com -Local Boy Delighted By Suprisingly small Amount of Homework -Sept. 20

Currently Watching: Phonebooth
It's weird, things have been going half-crappy, half-awesome this week. I go from happyland to crappyland and back often and quickly. Things I dislike as of right now:

• Me constantly thinking it's my birthday, wondering where my GD presents are, and then realizing it isn't.
• Not knowing where my GD soap dispenser thing is.
• That GD freshman girl who follows me around and barges into conversations, interrupting the people I actually want to hear from.
• Uncomfrotable bus seats and seemingly never-ending bus rides.
• That freshman girl. Again. Yeah, she's that bad.
• Crappy school pictures and the bastards that take them.
• College fairs with no rides. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF FAIR DOESN'T HAVE RIDES?
• Homecoming. Let me get this out there: I AMN'T GOING. Paying money... to get dressed up... to spend three hours in a hot, crowded space. Hmm, I think I'll pass. Yeah, defs. 'Specially because that freshman will be there.

Eh, I forgot the rest.

Urban Dictionary: garbasail

One day, I, along with Leif, Erik, Hans and all my other Viking friends, will make one and sail to the moon.

The Jig Is Up

Currently Listening To: Blue Monday by Orgy
Talk Like A Pirate Day was more fun when less people knew about it and didn't know why I began every sentence with AAARGH. WHY WAS IT IN THE SCHOOL ANNOUNCEMENTS? Well, following this travesty, we established TALK LIKE A VIKING DAY, which will be October 5th, in honor of me, your Royal Awesomeness.

Christopher Walken Is A Ninja!

Currently Listening To: Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim
I was about to bitch about how much ninjapirate.com has sucked lately until I read his piece about Margaret Cho. He somehow clawed his way out of the pit of suckdom. Maddox, on the other hand, has gone two months without updating. FUCKING DEADBEAT. He said he would update, but he is a lamers, pansy ass deadbeat. Congrats, you little bitch.

I just love history homework. I mean, it's not as if I don't have anything better to do over the weekend besides writing up these lame DBQ things. A DBQ is where you have an hour to handwrite a paper based on some poorly written historical documents and the topics are rarely ever mentioned again, so it is a colossal waste of time. But I'm all smiles, because I absolutely adore homework. Why the hell am I taking advanced history? I don't plan on majoring in history. Why do I even exist? I don't plan on EXISTING. Oh, shit, I stopped existi

I Miss My Hair

Currently Listening To: BBC Radio 1
Stop rubbing my head, please. It's kind of weird to have people literally lining up to rub my head. Seriously.
I'm getting new glasses. These ones won't be broken, so I'll actually wear them. And my vision has gotten worse in the past 4 years. Hooray. I still have to clip the hefges in the yard. I wish I didn't. Why does my dad think I enjoy doing it? I don't know. Speaking of my dad, he wanted me to get some of those fucking emo glasses. It took about 10 minutes to explain to him what emo meant and why I simply cannot wear those glasses.

I just can't.

I think I'm gonna go clip. Clip hedges, that is. CLIP CLIP CLIP.

Adolescent Drama Is For Lamers

Currently Listening To: Through The Iris by 10 Years
That's a great word. 'Lamers'. In a world where you can't call people retard and gayfer, lamers will reign supreme. Anyways, the lamers I am speaking of... are kids I don't even know. But when we were out at dinner, I over heard some sixth graders(My sister's grade) talking about these two kids who broke up. After about 3 months. These kids were acting like they were going to marry someday, and they just started middle school. Oh, it's so devastating! He meant the world to you, eh? A world in which an hour of homework makes a bad day, and a good day is one where a new episode of fucking Laguna Beach comes on. Speaking of which, why do all these pre-teen girls watch it? Why does anyone watch it? All these little bitches think they're part of that shitface life style after watching it. I guess the ones around here are, because most of them, like the kids on Laguna Beach, will NEVER AMMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN LIFE. If you start dating in fifth grade and think he/she is 'the one', you will truly never ammount to anything.

When I grow up, I want to attend Southeastern Viking Polytechnic University. I wonder what classes I should take to get in? I mean, I suppose a Viking doesn't really need to know math... or Spanish... or Chemistry... or History... Or English. Well, that's all of my classes. It's a shame that 'Raping and Pilaging Villages' and 'Synchronized Rowing with that one dude at the front saying when to row' and 'Eating Animals While They're Still Alive' at our school. Darlington is holding me back. For serious.

Now What's This All Aboot?

Currently Watching: Degrassi: TNG
Every time I see the iPod nano commercial, I want it, and then I want to go throw up because I feel more and more like a private school kid. Another factor to feeling more and more private school: I know what I'm getting for my birthday. I don't think I asked for anything last year, so it was a suprise. But this year, I actually came up with a list. Wow!. Period. Dot. Enter.

The-N sucks. The-N is the station that shows Degrassi in the US. They are all abour rebellion, free thinking and... censorship. Take the All-American Rejects' new video for instance, which shows a bunch of postcards from PostSecret. When The-N shows the video, they blur, let's say, half of the post cards. One was like, "Once I ____ three times at church camp." And another had a cartoon drawing of shit blurred out. What the hell? And what the hell was up with COMPLETELY CENSORING an episode of Degrassi? Uh-oh, someone had an abortion! Stop the presses! God forbid they actually cover a quazi-realistic scenario. Rape? Fine. School shooting? Go ahead. Gay, anal sex? Fine by them. But abortion? Hell no! How is a girl deciding that she would be an unfit mother and not to bring another starving belly into the world any worse than a tree-hugger going down on some sketchy guy in the Mystery Machine? DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL.

Facebook. I guess it's like the new myspace. Hooray for being trendy. Haha. Just kidding, I could never be trendy. Anyways, sign up.

Hairy Horoscope

Currently Watching: Resident Evil 2
I was reading my horoscope today (For fun, mind you.) when I noticed that the horoscope was actually somewhat correct without being too general:
"You probably pay a great deal of attention to what other people think of you, dear Libra."

But the next part kind of killed it:
"It may often be hard for you to make decisions in delicate situations for fear of being misjudged, even if you know you must. You may run into this dilemma as you go about your day today. Trust your own good judgment. It may be much more important to be decisive, today, than you can even imagine."

That doesn't apply... at all to my situation. Yes, people commented on how much my haircut sucked, but it wasn't like I had to overcome adversity or anything because of it. Basically, for the first half of the day, people told me how much it sucked or informed me that NEWS FLASH: I got a haircut (Which I somehow already knew, though I'm not sure how.), and for the second half, people were chasing me around, trying to feel my hair. I felt like a Little Buddha.

Except I don't know kung-fu. But maybe rubbing my head is good luck. I've had a large string of good luck lately, so who knows. Ashley, you are hella cool. Like, on the same plane as Abby, which is quite the achievment. Thanks for the enlightening conversation earlier. It's nice to have an intelligent conversation every once in a while.

Ooh, Haircut

Currently Watching: The Simpsons

I now look like this:
Except that I have a penis. I'm quite unhappy about this. I wouldn't mind looking like a lesbian if I were, say, a lesbian. It was a result of sever miscommunication. Somehow, in the month and a half since my last hair cut, the name of my haircut changed to the name of the femiNazi cut. Damn I'm pissed.

And that fuggin' exorcism movie made THIRTY MILLION this weekend. What the hell? Didn't I ruin the ending for .oooo1% of the population? I guess my actions mean nothing.

The Greatest Essay Ever Written

• Is Time For Cookies Part of the Food Court?
• Samuel L. Jackson has two movies coming out in the next two years with fucking awesome titles. AFRO SAMURAI and SNAKES ON A PLANE. The first is about a black samurai, and the second is about venomous snakes released onto a passenger plane.
• I'm glad I didn't go see that exorcism movie. Supposedly it's a courtroom-based-horror movie. Demonicly possesed C-SPAN? I'll pass.

Feel Free To Leave Meaningful Comments

Currently Listening To: Fall Out Boy

Just kidding. If I ever do voluntarily, feel free to stab me in the kidney. Kidneys. As in, both kidneys. At the same time.

So... Not much to type about. Went to the football game last night. I like football games more now that all of the kids in my grade who care enough to actually watch the game are playing it. That way we can talk to each other and not pay attention to the game and stuff. But I cheered a fair bit. I was 'restoring the roar' as they say. It's the 'Tiger Way'*. That really creppy senior was there last night. Wait, I should say that, as there are many creepy seniors. The creepy senior dorm student whose only friends are freshman girls who want some and sophmore guy who need a ride home. He annoys me so much, and creeps me out too.

Ooh, ooh! And I saw the reason a teenage girl would need a Razor phone: So she can store it in between her boobs for safe keeping.

*Tiger Way/Restore The Roar: Our school's new catchphrases. In case you didn't notice, our mascot is the oh-so-original tiger. I am the unofficial enforcer of the Tiger Way. Always make sure to follow the Tiger Way and do what is best for our community, but when I say community, I mean school, because now our school is a community and not, say, a school. Speaking of which, why doesn't our school emphasize stuff about learning? Since it is a school, it would make sense. I guess since our school/community made the transition to Alumni and Parent's Country Club, education is the least of everyone's worries.

Dane plays the panpipes in the forest

Chaos as Iraq imits driving to save fuel

Imagine if they tried that here. Scoff scoff scoff.

Dr. Sally's Sex Talk!

Currently Watching: Degrassi, the Next Generation
"Wh-What's abstinence?"
I got back about 20 minutes ago from the movies. We saw... THE TRANSPORTER TWO
Oooh, excellence. But that's not what you'd hear if I was one of those Meryl-Streep-loving, "The Piano"-watching movie snob. I fucking hate them. So anyways, the new one is good, but not in the same way as the first one. The first one was an awesome movie made by a crazy-ass French dude, and this one was a mindless action movie made by a crazy ass French dude. This one had a budget, to boot. I liked all the advertising in it. Cars, phones, iPods. Wow. At least the iPod ad wasn't like the one in Blade 3. That one was pretty heavy. It was like, "Whenever we go out to kill vampires, she loads up her iPod. It gets her in the mood for fighting." And then Jessica Biel was like, "Yeah, I can get all of my favorite songs from the iTunes music store for just 99 cents! Thanks, Apple, now I'm pumped." But in this movie, it was like, "Using this 60GB iPod, I can transport information to bring down the bad guy. And listen to my favorite artists. Only 99 cents!" They could have gone withoot the computer effects, too. They just didn't work. Either do it well, or don't do it at all. Stunts are much cooler when they're not in front of a green screen. But what do I know, I've never made a movie before! And Jason Statham, along with all the characters he's played, is my hero.

New Degrassi? I cannot wait. CRIPPLE FIGHTS! CHEERLEADER+DRUGS! TEENS MAKING PORNO! Hoo-ray!

Oh, yeah, my list of things that should be banned forever:

1. Dead bodies floating around on the news like it's no big deal.
2. Fall Out Boy. Oh, I hate them so fucking much.
   

Requiem for once-loved VHS

By the way, let's not show fucking dead bodies on the news, eh? A bit disrespectful to the dead and their families.

This piece is fuckin' crazy

EDIT: I got rid of word verification. It pissed me off more than spambots.

So Much To Write About

Currently Listening To: Combat Baby by Metric
I could write a whole page's worth about the hurricane, but I won't. I will simply detail to you, my loyal readers, how I would get rid of all that debris left behind were I in charge. First, we build a catapult using some of the debris on the ground. Next, the remainder is catapulted into space. From there, it ceases to be our problem. It will fall forever in the infinite vacuum of space. Unless of course the trash happens to fall in such a path that it hits planet Schlorbia. Then the Schlorbians will attack with the force of a thousand dragons and we will all be screwed.

Fucking Schlorbians.

This of course leaves another problem unsolved: What to do with the Nawlins-ians and other assorted Leeziana-ites. Dig all the remaining buildings out of the ground and re-plant them in Nebraska or the desert part of Nevada, creating Newisiana. It will be an idealistic society, a utopia of sorts. Well, if it's in Nebraska, it will suck. Because no one likes Nebraska except for Nebraskinians and Nebraskanites. They're like emo kids. Not very well liked by those outside of their group.

Pat Robertson: Unstoppable Evil?

Currently Listening To: Ana Ng by They Might Be Giants

William Rehnquist has died. You know what this means? Pat Robertson has killed yet another person. Every time he prays for someone to die, they do. He wants Chavez to be assasinated? Well I think he should be, because it's like if he thinks of you dying, you die shortly afterwards. He is a danger to us all and should be done away with with extreme prejudice. Bad cheese, terrible fall down some stairs, anything.

'V for Vendetta' delayed until March

...Among other pieces of terrible luck.

EMILY ROSE DIES AT THE END

Sorry for ruinning the ending, but I'm still bitter after the Atlanta Journal ruined the ending for me. Evidently she actually was having an epileptic seizure or something and her parents and the priest kill her.

This weekend is a first for my school; we are getting Labor Day off. YAY. My iPod headphones broke yesterday, so hopefully I can buy some new generic headphones this weekend. This THREE DAY, NO HOMEWORK WEEKEND.

Oh man, I had an awesome rant planned but I forgot it.

Philosophy According To Loose Freshman Dorm Students

Currently Listening To: Let's Spend The Night Together by the Rolling Stones

This really annoying freshman girl was talking to me yesterday. Really, really annoying. Anyways, we were talking about something, and then she randomly said, "You're my new gay shopping buddy." I know, what the hell is up with that? Out of NOWHERE. "I suppose it would help if I were gay."
Her:Do you have a girl friend?
Me:No.
Her:So you're gay?
Me:[Fails to see how being single makes you gay]
Her friend: LESBIAN!
Her:Hey, I've got a boyfriend!
Her friend: He broke up with you last week, lesbian.
Her: I made out with 7 guys this summer, and you made out with none, so you're the lesbian
Me: And you're a...
Her: I'm not a slut!

Yeah. Like I believe that. But there's more!

Her: Have you had a tetanus shot?
Me: Yes.
Her: [Pokes me with a nail, repeatedly]

FYI: You don't just try and stab someone with a nail because they've had a tetanus shot. The point of a tetanus shot is so you don't get a superweak infection after a nail penetrates your skin. You still have to get medical attention, but it is less severe thanks to the shot. What a stupid piece of crap.


I changed the bit under the title way at the top. It seemed very appropriate considering my current situation (High school).

Currently Listening To: Experimental Film by They Might Be Giants

I found the cause for the gas 'shortage': NASCAR and that time when my brother was two and drank some gas by accident. Let's go after them.


But seriously, race car driving should be banned because it is a huge waste of gas.