Sunday, December 31, 2006

Greatest Foes Of All Time

Currently Listening To: Tony the Beat by the SoundsOVER AND OVER AGAIN
My dad, in his infinite fortune cookie-like wisdom, has always advised me against having enemies. I love my dad, but sometimes I refuse to take his advice, in this case because sometimes I love the feeling of antagonizing and being antagonized by these people.

Anyways, when I was younger, I used to think about how I could turn my personal, not-terribly-eventful life into a great epic tale. Basically, this is done by imagining anyone who has ever been some sort of foe into a videogame boss-type character.

  • The number one person, since I first envisioned this epic tale, was BOB. Who is BOB? BOB was my bus driver in sixth and seventh grade. Any story I told those two years somehow involved BOB. Whether he was crashing the bus, which in turn caused some sort of bizarre seatbelt injury to me that potentially could have killed me (I told this one a lot; "I'm going to die before I'm 21!"), or he was telling the principal Douglas had his head out the bus window (which he never did; his head was in the aisle, which BOB said violated some unwritten rule), or he was accusing people (me) of making farm animal noises (which isn't against any rule, even though I wasn't doing it), or telling people not to tap their cans (because he thinks it's the bus), BOB always was up to something. For this, he tops my list.
  • Number two is more recent, and probably would get off knowing he made 'the list': Chad. I really have nothing but contempt for him. The story with him is more blurry than BOB's. I couldn't really tell you the first time I met him. I had heard countless stories from plenty of sources about his nefarious deeds, but hadn't experienced anything myself. There was one incident in which I think I met him, but from what he later told me, that wouldn't make sense that he was there. The earliest time I know for a fact I encountered him, he was a total douche. Claire and I were sitting together at the musical, and he came up, completely ignoring His Royal Highness, and began talking to her. I took great offense to this (he didn't even bother to introduce himself) and took it upon myself to return the favor. Clint and I made a xanga about him, which he responded to by threatening to call the school (looking back, it was really a weak response, but I fell for it, all bullshit aside). I ignored him for a decent period of time, until he somehow started talking to me again, completely ignoring what had happened six months before. I pissed him off, which resulted in another period of time in which I recieved more than a thousand garbage text messages (in a petty attempt to flood my inbox and raise my bill) and several tearful voicemails. Fortunately, I'm an insensitive bastard, so this pandering had no effect--at all--on me. And he keyed Matt's car, had someone videotape him doing it, and danced around like a little bitch while doing it. That's all the reason I really need.
  • Third is Zach. He held my chemistry book hostage for a good six months. The entire time, it was ten feet away and I had no idea.
  • Fourth is Dekker, the night DJ on 99x. One time he was taking requests and this one kid wanted Motion City Soundtrack, but didn't know the name of the song, so he made him sing it. The kid did--poorly--and then Dekker didn't play it. I called in and told Dekker he was an asshole, he should go fuck himself and then he should do the world a favor and jump in front of a fucking bus. He said some other stuff I didn't really listen to, and then I hung up.
  • Fifth is Cosgrove. I have talked about him plenty; there's really no need to say anything else. Maybe an origin? First month or so of school in freshman year, we talked about Eurotrip nonstop on the bus. I said my favorite scene was the nude beach (you can't deny how disgustingly funny it is) and he said "You would like that scene, faggot." Actually, that wasn't it. It was that summer, when he was part of the football carpool. I decided to tag along to see if he was REALLY that big of a d-bag, and he was. He said his dad was a pilot for a certain large corporation, and that his dad flew around the executive assholes. My dad works for a certain large corporation, where he is an executive. Put two and two together.

That's pretty much it. Go to bed.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

FDA: Cloned livestock is safe to eat

Currently Listening To: lol lyk al teh muzic i got fer crismas hahaha

Here It Goes Again by OK Go
THANK GOD. I've been waiting since I first heard about Dolly the sheep to see if we can eat them. I'll celebrate by buying a pig, cloning it five times, and then eating SIX PIGS. In fact, I'll just take one bite and toss it in the bin, because it was a cloned pig and cloned pigs have no souls and can't be wasted.

I have this image in my head of a bunch of scientists sitting around a table with a piece of meat in the middle aand they're all saying "I don't want to eat it" and then one guy says, "FUCK IT, I'LL EAT ANYTHING!" and he just chows down. After a few moments of tense silence, he gives them the thumbs up. The scientists run screaming into the streets. "CLONES ARE SAFE TO EAT!" And then banners are unfurled spreading the good news as CiCi the cat is torn apart and thrown on to a barbeque.

So I just read that Sadaam Hussein could die any day now. I knew they had to hang him before he turned 70, but I didn't know that could be like THIS WEEK. I'm curious to see if it will still be televised. I suppose everyone, no matter how evil, deserves do die with dignity, and if they do make it into a PayPerView event, people will be pissed and some shit will be blown up. I'm gonna go ahead and say... DON'T DO IT.

I'm now listening to this groovy band Mew again. Wowie zowie, this music is trippy.

So my horoscope today told me not to buy any new clothes or get a haircut, because my ability to sense what other people want is faulty. This made me laugh, because two days ago, I bought four shirts (with my own money, on clearance, at the Gap) and got a haircut, and shaved my very-thick peach fuzz. I need to find whoever does the 'scopes for the AJC and ask them where they were on the morning of the 26th and they didn't stop me. I also bought the translation of Night Watch at Barnes and Noble. That's right. I bought something at Barnes and Noble. That's like grounds for expulsion from my school.

I got invited to this class party on New Years, and I'm seriously debating whether or not I should go. It will probably be lame, but it's not like I'll be doing anything better that night.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Whorlandra!


Whorlandra!
Originally uploaded by CliveDangerously.
It recently occured to me that I NEVER uploaded my favorite picture, which is of me and my gurl Whorlandra. We hooked up at American Apparel, which is this really slutty type store for people of all persuasions. I got an STD just by darkening the doorway. And the funny thing about the store is that you pay the same as a place like AE or GAP or something, but you don't pay for the logo like in those places; instead you're paying to NOT have a logo on your shirt, so you're like an anti-corporation capitalist or something.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Movie Snobbery 2 Double-Odd 6

Currently Watching: Bubble Boy
EDIT: This was first typed in early December, but I've been adding to it little-by-little ever since. I dated it as the 31st so it'll be on top until 2007. Check below it for new posts.
EDITEDIT: 12/19- Added a new post below, and added Apocalypto to the list.
12/20-'Nother new post down below.
12/27or28- Taking this down from the top.

These are the movies I saw in theaters this year:




  1. The Ringer I think this movie could stand to grow some balls. Rather than dancing around the fine line of decency, try telling a joke instead of being completely neutral and PC. That worked well for Stuck on You and Shallow Hal.
  2. Grandma's Boy Rarely do I laugh this much in a movie. Probably the best time I had at a movie in a long time, too.
  3. Underworld: Evolution The sheer badassery depicted in this movie is astounding.
  4. When A Stranger Calls Didn't bring a whole lot new to the genre, like Scream or others like it, but still a whole lot of fun.
  5. When A Stranger Calls (Again) Really my first experience with not watching all of the movie, rather I spent some time interacting with the audience. There was a deafening silence throughout the movie, so with about 20 minutes left to go, I screamed very, very loudly and that got people moving. I also threw some popcorn at people and just had an all-around good time.
  6. Final Destination 3 Another experience with the audience making the movie. I'm not sure if anyone else has every heard the stereotype of black people talking to movie screens, but I defy anyone to doubt it after seeing a late show with a large group of them. I hate to sound like some Michael Richards piece of shit, but the "Oh snap!"s really made me love the movie so much more. Oh, and teenagers having their shit ruined by various pieces of heavy-duty machinery.
  7. 16 Blocks One of the more forgettable movies I saw this year. Nay, the most forgettable movie I've seen in ages. I really only remember hating Mos Def and the bus scene.
  8. V for Vendetta One of my favorite movies ever. Just everything about it is perfection.
  9. Mission Impossible 3 A step up from the mass confusion of the first one and the slow-motion identity swapping nightmare known as the second one. And the MacGuffin around which the plot revolved was awesome. Just goes to show that over-the-top evil schemes don't make a movie.
  10. X-Men: The Last Stand A good movie, but not a satisfying end to the series. No, I'm not an expert at comic books, but it's a movie, regardless of the source material. "It's a comicbook, what did you expect?" is no excuse for having twice as many characters as possible. You can't please all of the comic fans, so doubt try to squeeze everyone's favorite character in. And why the fuck wasn't there more Colossus? He's awesome. It was almost an hour shorter than the second one, why not have an additional hour of heavy metal Russian?
  11. Thank You For Smoking Absolutely hysterical. Easily beats out movies like Anchorman in terms of quotability. "How about you, Nick, are you a tit man?" "Don't answer that, that's a trap."
  12. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift Not having seen the first two, I had literally zero expectations going into the movie. For all I know, it was complete shit in terms of the first and second, I just saw lots of explosions and wreckage, and that's all I need.
  13. Click A depressing Adam Sandler movie? No thanks.
  14. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest Good God, this movie pissed me off. Two and a half hours, and the end leaves you feeling like you've gone nowhere. And why is that whiny-ass bitch Orlando Bloom still on board. "Wah wah, my dad was a pirate and I love this hot chick. I wish I had a nutsack." Shut the fuck up, kid.
  15. You, Me and Dupree Pretty funny. Not on the same level as some of the other comedies I saw this year, but perfectly acceptable considering some of the mediocre ones I've seen.
  16. Clerks II Kevin Smith is absofuckinglutely brilliant. I was not disappointed at all. "PORCH MONKEY 4 LIFE" "It's okay, we're taking it back."
  17. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby I know this isn't Will Ferrell's fault, but I would have liked it more if the rednecks around here realized they were the ones being made fun of. Other than that, it was funny, but not nearly as quotable as Anchorman. I'd say quotability can make or break a movie for me, and the lack of it made it fairly forgettable.
  18. Snakes on a Plane The truly sad part of this movie's short shelf life was that so many people wrote it off from the start as trash and had no interest in seeing it. So much better than expected, which was likely its problem.
  19. Crank I've never seen someone cram so much stuff into such a short running time. Sex, drugs, violence... EVERYTHING. And quit bringing your fucking babies and old people into R-rated movies. I don't want to think about the minds being blown and hopes/dreams/fears being decimated while being rocked
  20. Little Miss Sunshine I came to realize when leaving the theater that it wasn't nearly as funny as I think it was. Basically, I laughed during several scenes not intended to be humorous. I'd like to apologize to the people in the row ahead of us for being good sports about it, along with the other people in my group.
  21. Man of the Year I saw a review for this on IMDb entitled ""Man of the Year" is a very good political thriller/comedy that will suffer at the box office because of its misleading marketing campaign." That sums it up entirely. Thanks once more to the internet for providing me an opinion.
  22. The Departed As much as I enjoyed this movie, I have no idea what happened in it. It wasn't confusing so much as it was after midnight and I fell asleep a few times. I woke up and there were just a bunch of dead folk and I was quite confused.
  23. Borat The sheer brilliance of this film is so intense that by merely thinking about it, I am throwing dirt on it. That's right; Borat is so good that we shouldn't think about it. It's a miracle that CNN and the like didn't shit all over it and ruin its potential like they did Snake on Prane!
  24. Casino Royale Let it be known, for the record, that I was never a Daniel Craig nay-sayer. I never saw him in anything until Bond, so I decided to let his performance in the movie speak for itself. I did, it did, Daniel Craig is wonderful, the movie was wonderful and everyone who ever thought he wasn't right for the role have become revisionist historians and try and make it seem as if they loved him from day one. I can only imagine how rough the torture scene was to film. Makes me sick just thinking about it.
  25. Stranger than Fiction Assuming you're one of my two readers, you know how testosterone-filled I am. I swallow my gum instead of spitting it and I eat the entire nut, rather than wasting the shell. But this movie actually had me tear up. I cannot remember EVER being so moved by a film. I don't want to say anything to spoil it, but you absolutely have to see this, and if you don't enjoy it, like Andy, you are a piece of shit with no soul.
  26. Apocalypto I definitely wanted to see this, but I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting. I'd never seen a subtitled movie in theaters before, because I'm just attention deficited like that. But what I got was an incredible, exciting and almost-moving movie about a man who would go to the edge of the earth and back in the name of love, pretty much like that awesome guy who walked sixteen muthaficking miles in the snow for his kin. The last half of the movie is so action-packed and quickly paced that you will literally drop a load in your drawers. I'll bet that's why that guy on the subway smelled so bad; he probably had just seen Apocalypto. And maybe that crazy lady had her brain scrambled by it.
  27. The Good Shepherd This was one of those movies that was really interesting and fairly compelling, but I know I shouldn't have liked it. Why? Look at the movies I saw this year. For God's sake, I saw Snakes on a Plane. What the fuck was I doing in some Oscar-hopeful movie? What was anyone in the audience at my bumfuck movie doing there? All these questions, and more, will be answered in January, when PATHFINDER kicks ass into theaters.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Ellison: Lawmaker has 'a lot to learn about Islam'

Currently Listening To: A Dark Design by Mew
I am an Episcopalian, which means I am from a denomination of Christianity known for complaining about everything. Old people at our church completely personify the stereotype. Any step in a different direction is awful; basically, their ideal church would be composed of people who will all be dead in ten years.

Virgil Goode is to America--to all of humanity, even-- what old people are to my church. They completely stand in the way of progress. Anyone who associates 'different' with 'bad' is in the way of progress. In the article, a Jewish guy takes the same side as a Muslim guy. Can you say "lion sleeping with the lamb"? This shit doesn't happen every day. I would say, even if they were saying the sun isn't real, I would believe them simply because they both agree. And why the fuck does he think people want him to swear in on the Quran? One man wants himself to swear in on it. He doesn't want to change the law; he just doesn't belong to a faith based on the Bible. Why would he swear in on it? And what ever happened to "no law respecting any religion"? That pesky Constitution, always getting in the way of America and her glorious freedoms. Freedoms for people who have the same values as everyone else. And what kind of awful religion bases itself on forcing people to accept it's customs as a means of conversion? I mean, that's terrible. I would be so pissed if I had to swear in on a holy book I didn't believe in. Those Jews and Muslims are clearly trying to destroy us. By exercising "liberties" and "freedoms" they are jeopardizing the liberties and freedoms enjoyed by Americans. I wonder where Rep. Ellison is from? Probably some country where people DON'T value freedom.

Virgil Goode can suck a chalupa out of my ass from a straw for all I care (What a hottie!). He obviously doesn't mind shit in is mouth; he just has a habit of spewing it out and subjecting everyone else to the stench. I put the chalupa in because I can guarantee you he loves Taco Bell. He eats there on Mondays with his friends Manuel, Rosie O', Abbas, Steve Wu and Apu. He loves diversity.




In my ideal world, he would sit next to Bill O'Reilly on the rocket to the sun.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Freedom Tower takes root with steel beams and iron will

Currently Watching: Invincible
Can we please not call it that? Every time I hear it, I think about the kids one hundred years from now who talk about it. They say, "Hmmm, Freedom Tower, that was the one completed during Emperor O'Reilly's regime, right?" Really any surname fits there. It's the general regime thing that irks me; I'm just feeling anti-O'Reilly today. Thinking about it just makes me sick. Three thousand people dead and all we have to show for it is mindless propaganda. After hearing 'freedom' so many times, it begins to lose it's meaning. "FREEDOM as long as you have the same beliefs as us! FREEDOM as long as you have the same beliefs as us! FREEDOM as long as you have the same beliefs as us! FREEDOM as long as you have the same beliefs as us!"






When does it stop?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I Hate Everything

Currently Listening To: Don't Want To Stay by Rock Kills Kid
So this morning, as usual, I check CNN's site to see what kinds of fabolos things went down whilst I was asleep. Top story? Miss USA keeps her crown despite underage drinking record, or some bullshit to that extent. Even worse, the person threatening to take her crown was The Donald. That douchebag is so full of himself. This story somehow takes presedence over the current WAR GOING ON IN THE MIDDLE EAST. TWO MEN TRAPPED ATOP A MOUNTAIN, POTENTIALLY DEAD. CHILDREN ORPHANED IN NEW ORLEANS. A DISEASE OUTBREAK IN A HOSPITAL. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? At least Angelina Jolie's "Wah-wah, boo-hoo, paparazzi" routine was at the bottom of the top stories list. Shouldn't be on it at all, but the bottom is a start. Then again, it was probably number one at three this morning. Get your fucking priorities straight.

I am also really fucking tired of the whole "War on Christmas" schpiel (I know that's not how it's spelled; I put in my best effort; sue me). First of all, Christians have been dominant/the majority in America since Eurotrash started dropping Indians four hundred years ago. We are not under attack; there is not imminent destruction/doom of the Christian religion. The ACLU removing some creche sets from the town square is definitely overshadowed by any suffering or persecutions Christians recieved whilst the movement was in its infancy.
Second, "Happy Holidays" is only PC if you want it to be. Anyone who can count cane see that Christmas Eve and Christmas alone are two holidays, meaning plural, meaning "we need an s". Throw in Advent, Epiphany and anything else related to Christmas and you have... a holiday season. WOW. But I suppose you'd have to know ANYTHING about your own fucking religion to realize that you whiny bunch of motherfuckers.
Third, Christmas, despite what ToysRUs would have you believe, isn't the "big" holiday for Christians, or at least it shouldn't be. Despite how astounding a girl having a baby without any sort of sex is, it's irrelevant to the religion. Jesus could have just fallen from the skies; how he got here doesn't matter. What does matter is what HE did. Performing miracles and then dying on the cross. Of course, seeing as Easter isn't as present-intensive as Christmas, people tend to ignore it.
Fourth, FUCK YOU, BILL O'REILY. FUCK YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR. YOUR VIEWERS ARE MINDLESS DRONES WHO HANG ON YOUR EVERY WORD. YOU ARE EVERYTHING I HATE ABOUT WESTERN SOCIETY. THERE IS NO FUCKING WAR ON CHRISTMAS. WHY DON'T YOU GO SHIT ON SOME OTHER BASIC RIGHT GUARANTEED TO EVERYONE IN AMERICA. I REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU AND IF THE ONLY THING SIGNIFICANT IN MY LIFE TO EVER HAPPEN AGAIN WAS YOU MIRACULOUSLY READING THIS, I COULD DIE HAPPY.



So I had an awesome day yesterday. I went to work with my dad for half the day so I could meet up with Claire, Matt and Jackie for most of the day and then go see the Killers. I had a lot of fun, even if the Killers have a serious God Complex and their first song sounded like ABBA. I felt compelled to put this in here to negate the serious suburban teen angst I let out above. AND I got a Snakes On A Plane poster at the theater on Sunday. And I realized the best way to make people indiscriminantly not care what you have to say is to tell them that you enjoyed Snakes on a Plane.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Monday, December 11, 2006

Snow-Walker Even More Badass Than Previously Thought

Currently Listening To: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham! (And if you take issue with that you ought to re-evaluate your position in life)
Sixteen miles. In the snow. After living in a wrecked car. For nine days. This is absolutely ridiculous. I feel bad for his family, considering they have lost their father, but at the same time I am envious of the sheer awesomeness of their father. If he had lived, he could have joined the likes or Aron Ralston, the dude who cut off his arm with a dulled knife after becoming trapped under a boulder. They could have been a Super Team. Not super team, as in "Lolz, deez guyz iz fabbo!" but "Wow, these guys are like superheroes."

I couldn't walk sixteen miles in general. But in the snow? I'd have been out by like mile two, if I lived that long.


Maybe I should explain the Wham!. At the Christmas dance, I, along with several unnamed others, sang it for karaoke. It was terrible. I mean, it was fun, but we were terrible. And so today during Physics, Andy and I sang it to Sweeners. He said it sounded like something sung by a girl, or maybe the cheerleaders. Augh!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Man of the Year

Currently Listening To: Special by Mew
I'd definitely vote for him, if such a vote were held. Ten miles in the snow after nine days of living in a car in a snow bank? That's bad ass. More than that, that's love. Compare that to people like Kid Rock, who dump their wives after they star in movies. Kid Rock would have shit his pants if this happened to him. But this guy gave up everything for his family. That's probably the most admirable thing possible.

I had an awesome time last night. I wrote a review of it for English ("This is my second Mistletoe Jam paper today!" Claire wrote one too), so I'll send that to myself and cross-post it later. MARTA is SMARTA, boat shoes & the wave and coat ladies. Oh, good times, good times. Oh, and I think I've gone deaf,

So I found this Mew band kind of by accident. You'd be suprised how often I can get into a song that I'd previously have ignored by waking up while it's playing on my iPod.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Mistletoe Jam Tomorrow

Currently Watching: Some lame courtroom drama
Tomorrow, Matt, Claire, my father and I are going tomorrow to see AFI, Jet, Ok Go and, until this weekend, the Killers at Phillips Arena. I'm so excited! It's my fourth concert, and the make-up Killers concert will be five.

I really can't wait until Christmas break. School hasn't been bad, but it's been school, which in and of itself is an undesirable situation to be in.

I've got a good rant for this weekend. A very paranoid rant. Be afraid.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Georgia

Currently Listening To: This Is Montreal by Matt Pond PA
Recently, I was thinking back to a conversation with my family, wherein it was concluded I am an awful person for not embracing my Southern-ness and the whole Southern culture. At the time, I couldn't think of a truly good reason why I didn't identify as a Southerner. But as I thought more and more about it, there are several reasons why:
  • Gas holiday. After Katrina, Gov. Perdue cancelled school for most of Georgia for two days to ease the rising gas prices, apparently assuming that kids don't go outside when they get school off.
  • Rebel flag. Pretty much everything about the flag debate reflects poorly on the P-Nut, P-Can State.
  • Jennifer Wilbanks. The runaway bride, who blamed her "kidnapping" on a fictional white and Hispanic couple. The fact that the groom decided to continue their engagement only made things worse.
  • Brian Nichols/Ashley Smith. Sure, people go on killing sprees a lot. Not a good thing, but doesn't make Georgia stand out from other states. What does? The media's worship of Ms. Smith, who sedated him by giving him meth. Normally, if the police knew you had meth, that would be very, very bad. But she stopped a killer with her meth, so she gets a book deal.
  • Bobby Brown and Whitney's TV show. Doodie bubble.
  • I'm realizing a lot of these aren't really Good Ol' Southern Boys, either. Case in point, my next examaple, Marcus Dixon. Accused of raping a 16 yearold, throwing away his scholarship options. Later turned out that her dad was involved in the Klan, and she may not have been raped. Made worse by Oprah making Rome, GA, look like a town with regular Klan marches.
  • Kid who, last week, was tazed by a school security guard for beating up a girl. Classy.

So this is why I'm not proud to be from Georgia. That and the fact that being born isn't an achievment.