Friday, March 04, 2005
Dangerous, Deadly Criminal Released From Jail
I've decided to make a petition to get this vicious criminal back behind bars- for good. We must take action before she strikes again. At least she's on house arrest.
I do not know whether to laugh or feel bad.
CNN.com - Chimps critically injure sanctuary visitor - Mar 4, 2005
It's like the Jurassic Park of monkeys. Never trusted monkeys. Never will.
It's like the Jurassic Park of monkeys. Never trusted monkeys. Never will.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Clive Dangerously's Wacky Investigative Journalism Adventure
A few years back, the high school I would be going to right now was declared the drug capital of my county. Of course, I needed to see this for myself. Here are the transcripts of a few scenes from my day:
(outside of locker room)
Clive: So are you on the football team?
"Bobby":Uh, ye-, uh, yes, yes sir, I am.
CD: Is that real football or American Football?
"B": FOOTBALL FOOTBALL
CD: No kidding. I hear your school is the drug capital of ****** County. Care to shed light on the subject?
"B":Duh, Coach give me heroin buhfo' games and I take a wacky tabaccy wiff [star cheerleader] dern lunch.
CD: Impress-
"B": I touch her boobies one time, huh huh.
CD: Wow.
(outside a classroom, bell rings and students walk out)
CD: Well, you look like a fine, upstanding student.
Nerd: Yes, I'm president of the chess, math, science and Latin clubs.
CD: What are your views on the drug problem here?
N:Oh, it's great. Our Honor Society meetings were a bore until we were introduced to coke. Now everyone tries to get good grades so the bouncer will let them in. One time a meeting went to 4 in the morning.
CD: This is frigthening.
N: No, it was great. Me and the President of the Glee Club-
CD: "Me and the president of the Glee Club"?
N: Hey, you can shove it ASSHOLE.
(Clive whomps Nerd with mind powers)
(In hallway)
CD: And what is your role in the drug trade?
Dealer: Hehe, I'm your source for the finest herb in the state. If you're low, come to me and I'll get you high as a kite.
CD: Is there a lot of competition?
Dealer: Don't tell anyone, but all of my "competition" are actually employed by me. So everyone trying to fight "The Man" is still supporting me.
CD: Now I notice you're a bit older looking than the rest of the students. What're you, a seventh year Senior?
Dealer: Nah, I'm the principal. PriciPAL, as in, I'm your bud who'll get ya some high quality buds.
CD: Nice.
So those were the highlights. Next week, investigation of ******* Elementary School, drunken sex capital of the South Eastern United States.
(outside of locker room)
Clive: So are you on the football team?
"Bobby":Uh, ye-, uh, yes, yes sir, I am.
CD: Is that real football or American Football?
"B": FOOTBALL FOOTBALL
CD: No kidding. I hear your school is the drug capital of ****** County. Care to shed light on the subject?
"B":Duh, Coach give me heroin buhfo' games and I take a wacky tabaccy wiff [star cheerleader] dern lunch.
CD: Impress-
"B": I touch her boobies one time, huh huh.
CD: Wow.
(outside a classroom, bell rings and students walk out)
CD: Well, you look like a fine, upstanding student.
Nerd: Yes, I'm president of the chess, math, science and Latin clubs.
CD: What are your views on the drug problem here?
N:Oh, it's great. Our Honor Society meetings were a bore until we were introduced to coke. Now everyone tries to get good grades so the bouncer will let them in. One time a meeting went to 4 in the morning.
CD: This is frigthening.
N: No, it was great. Me and the President of the Glee Club-
CD: "Me and the president of the Glee Club"?
N: Hey, you can shove it ASSHOLE.
(Clive whomps Nerd with mind powers)
(In hallway)
CD: And what is your role in the drug trade?
Dealer: Hehe, I'm your source for the finest herb in the state. If you're low, come to me and I'll get you high as a kite.
CD: Is there a lot of competition?
Dealer: Don't tell anyone, but all of my "competition" are actually employed by me. So everyone trying to fight "The Man" is still supporting me.
CD: Now I notice you're a bit older looking than the rest of the students. What're you, a seventh year Senior?
Dealer: Nah, I'm the principal. PriciPAL, as in, I'm your bud who'll get ya some high quality buds.
CD: Nice.
So those were the highlights. Next week, investigation of ******* Elementary School, drunken sex capital of the South Eastern United States.
Clive Answers Fan Mail
Dear Clive,
how did you get to be so awesome and/or cool?
Denise... Jones
Well Denise, I was born this awesome and/or cool, but I did not fully realize/harness these abilities until my 13th birthday in 2003. I've been battling pirates, ninjas and mor(m)ons ever since.
Dear Clive,
When are these child support checks going to start pouring in?
Cindy McCindy
You mean you weren't on th- I HAVE NEVER MET YOU. I AM UNAWARE OF WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
Dear Clive,
Do you sleep better at night knowing you kicked some commie ass during the course of the day?
A really hot babe
No, I don't sleep. At night I go and kick some Nazi ass, just to balance it all out. You know, keep the left wing extremist to right wing extremist ratio regular.
Well that's it for now. Keep your moroni- I mean, brilliant questions flowing.
how did you get to be so awesome and/or cool?
Denise... Jones
Well Denise, I was born this awesome and/or cool, but I did not fully realize/harness these abilities until my 13th birthday in 2003. I've been battling pirates, ninjas and mor(m)ons ever since.
Dear Clive,
When are these child support checks going to start pouring in?
Cindy McCindy
You mean you weren't on th- I HAVE NEVER MET YOU. I AM UNAWARE OF WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
Dear Clive,
Do you sleep better at night knowing you kicked some commie ass during the course of the day?
A really hot babe
No, I don't sleep. At night I go and kick some Nazi ass, just to balance it all out. You know, keep the left wing extremist to right wing extremist ratio regular.
Well that's it for now. Keep your moroni- I mean, brilliant questions flowing.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Action Hero's Handbook
Action Hero's Handbook
Originally uploaded by CliveDangerously.
In my line of work, skills like how to catch a great white shark, how to administer a Vulcan Death Pinch, etc, come in quite handy. This book is an essential for the Really Cool Guy in your life. $14.95 US
Good, He Didn't Deserve Her
After Full House, Stamos didn't deserve ANY woman, especially not someone as hot a Rebecca Romijn.
Ha-ha!
CNN.com - Faulty fuel gauge may foil flight - Mar 2, 2005
The guy just wants attention. He noticed the Trump, a man with failing casinos and businesses, was being hailed as a billionaire, yet he, a man probably much more successful, wasn't a household name. That's what you get, attention whore.
The guy just wants attention. He noticed the Trump, a man with failing casinos and businesses, was being hailed as a billionaire, yet he, a man probably much more successful, wasn't a household name. That's what you get, attention whore.
The Face Of Determination(Click? Click!)
"I wonder if he still wants to come over to 'play'?" ponders Jackson.
Wall Clock'd
Wall Clock'd
Originally uploaded by CliveDangerously.
Su nombre es Oskar.
He will remain on my Kill Bill poster until further notice/I locate a thumbtack.
I Found Something To Complain Aboot
There is an on-and-off buzzing in my ear. I would approve if it ceased.
I Wonder...
CNN.com - Mel Gibson buys Fiji island - Mar 1, 2005
Will Gibson use this island to market off of Christianity as well?
Will Gibson use this island to market off of Christianity as well?
Director Wants More Cash For Mediocre Movie Series
If I were the judge, I'd think the same at the end of the case as I did at the end f each of those movies:there go a few hours I'll never get back.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
How About... No
News
This means HBO, Pay-per-vew and others would have to follow the same rules as the other channels. Porn is pay-per-view. Porn would be no more. Sorry, guys, it's been fun, but all good things must come to an end.
And if I see another mention of the 'controversial' Howard Stern I'm going to snap. That show is the dumbest thing I have every sat through. "Can I touch your breasts?"
"Duh, sure, why... not?"
This means HBO, Pay-per-vew and others would have to follow the same rules as the other channels. Porn is pay-per-view. Porn would be no more. Sorry, guys, it's been fun, but all good things must come to an end.
And if I see another mention of the 'controversial' Howard Stern I'm going to snap. That show is the dumbest thing I have every sat through. "Can I touch your breasts?"
"Duh, sure, why... not?"
'Star Wars' Trailer To Premiere On 'O.C.' -- Why?
Okay, so teenage girls watch that show, right? Therefore the general audience won't really give a shit about Star Wars. I know, I know, they're just trying to get additional viewers, but this is as smart as making a Mary Kate and Ashley video game.
Wait.
Wait.
What Ever Happened To Smart Criminals?
local6.com - News - Man Charged With Child Porn After Taking Computer For Repairs
The gene pool needs some more bleach. A lot more.
The gene pool needs some more bleach. A lot more.
And the Award for Disproving Evolution goes to...
These dumbasses.
At any other time I might find the thought of a kid falling through a gap and being hit by a car funny.
At any other time I might find the thought of a kid falling through a gap and being hit by a car funny.
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