More Celebrity Shennanigans

Currently Weeping To: On Call by Kings of Leon... This song seriously makes me cry

And on a more testosterone-laden note, Lindsay Lohan was arrested today, a block from a police office, for possesion of cocaine and being well over the legal limit of alcohol. Good for her! The mugshot is attractive, as well.

This, of course, asks once more of what to do with these troubled young celebrities. My immediate reaction was execution, but my suggesting we feed Paris, Lohan, Vick and others to tigers would likely hinder my chances of getting a nomination in the 2028 presidential election, which would in turn hinder my chances of ever conquering the world (I'd only keep all of it for a while; I'd turn it back over to its rightful owners soon thereafter, keeping for myself a slice of land in the Benelux region... I'd want a little bit of beach territory, to be heavily guarded at all times so it's just me and not geezers, babies and garbage, and then some valley-type stuff). SO. I, of course, would need an alternate solution; this solution is to exile any celebrity that goes past the "night in the slammer" line. They'd be shipped off to an island/very deep/wide pit in the desert and left to their devices...

Along with some heavy-duty combat weaponry. Like I said, left to their devices; whatever happens, happens. Nicole Richie would have to wait until her baby was born, and then she (Nicole, not the baby, you douche) would be tossed in with the rest. The baby would get the Harry Potter treatment, except unlike Harry, it would never, ever find out the truth. Or instead of raised by common folk, it could be raised by that guy from Storm of the Century. EVIL BABY.

We could put cameras in the pit and it could be a reality show. There's nothing more real than celebrities fighting to the death in a pit in the desert.

Maybe the island could be the island from Jurassic Park. TWICE as entertaining. Except those crackwhores wouldn't be too filling for the dinos, which would subsequently starve. Maybe Mike Vick could get the dinos to fight (though I'd like to see him try to kill the loser).

VOLDEMORT KILLS HARRY, MARRIES GINNY, DRACO MARRIES HERMIONE, RON KNOCKS UP THE ALBINO CHICK, THE ASIAN CHICK BECOMES MINISTER OF MAGIC, DUMBLEDORE WAS A PEACY P ABUSING CHILDMOLESTOR, SNAPE WAS GAY FOR MOLEMAN

Except for the fact that no one is gay for Moleman

Paris Hilton

Currently Crying To: Stranger Than Fiction (starring Will Ferrell, Maggie Gylenhoweveryouspellhername, Queen Latifah and some old people)
I know it kind of damages my image of rugged individualism and apathy to talk about this, but following the Paris Hilton-xanga background debacle and the House of Wax thing, I think I'm in the green on this one.

Three days, obviously, is ridiculous, and I'm glad they're taking her back to jail, but at the same time, 45 days isn't much better. I suppose it never occured to anyone in the California judicial area that she did something not just illegal by driving drunk, but something really, really, REALLY (repeated for emphasis) reckless and dangerous... She drove DRUNK. People could have been hurt, seriously injured... Oh, I don't know, KILLED? DEAD? And it's not like her prison sentence, where they can commute it to house arrest if it's not going well; those people would be dead, in the ground, covered with dirt and sealed in wood. How the FUCK is it fair for Martha Stewart, by selling some stocks using privileged info to make some money that really wouldn't make much of a difference to her, gets a stiffer sentence? Paris very easily could have killed someone (it's about the same as swinging a knife around out in a crowded public space) and she gets 45 days TOPS. Martha spent a year in jail for stealing. Yes, it's wrong, but hurts less people. No once can die when you're manipulating the stock market.

This is bullshit, especially when you see that another woman got off with six years for shooting her husband while he slept. Six years for murder? I wish I were a woman and judges were too afraid to do any serious punishment for fear of being labelled sexist.

I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the fact that PEOPLE COULD HAVE DIED. DEAD NOT LIVING. LET ME SAY IT AGAIN TO, ONCE MORE, EMPHASIZE: DEAD.

Two words: death penalty. But I'll take it a step further and suggest that they not even say, "We're going to kill you." They should play like Russian Roulette or something with her. She might die, she might not. Hey, just like that time she went driving drunk!

I'd support the death penalty if the methods were analogous to however people committed their crimes. Timothy McVeigh, for instance, would be incinerated. Sadaam would have been gassed, et cetera. And I know people would be like, "That's inhumane", but let's be real for a second: we're executing them. That's not really humane to begin with. Why not spice things up a bit and sell it on Pay Per View?

Maybe a tiger pit would be fun... Has anyone killed someone else with a tiger lately, just so we can do it on him in response?