Don't make me eat you.

I just got back from a camping trip to a drive in theater. We saw Without A Paddle and Resident Evil 2. It was kick ass. Twice, no, thrice, no FOUR TIMES!!!!!! Sorry for another short post, but I HATE SCHOOL. I mean... I have home-I HATE SCHOOL-work. So... later... and... things, I guess. I don't know. I really, really don't know.

Play this game.

It's hella-awesome twice. And addictive. And easy.




EDIT: Okay, so maybe it isn't as easy as I said. But it is hella-awesome twice and addicitve.

Super Monkey Robot Hyperforce!!!!1!!!!1!!!!

I swear to God there's a show on right now called Super Monkey Robot Hyperforce. But it sucks because it's on Toon Disney and it's full of crap like "Of course I came, that's what friends are for!" What lies they feed these children.
I got my braces off today. But not before I saw a great chance to extract revenge on those sadistic bastards. I spewed some saliva I collected in my mouth all over that nurse. That's what you get for malpractice, bitches.
My birthday is in two weeks. If you bitches don't get me something, I keel you. No lie. You can just ask my neighbors... but oh wait, I keeled them. So you can't. Cause they dead.


Not really, of course. Gullible fart knocker. Wow, that insult sucked twice, maybe thrice.

"Is it that dumb Rasumataz song again?"

Just finished a biology paper. Eh. But today was pretty OK. I met(formally) the dorm student we are hosting at my school. He's a real cool guy. Don't know if he was impressed with me as I was with him. The first question everyone was asking my dad and I was "Does he speak any English?" and we were all, "Shut up, bitch, he speaks English better than you. Bitch."
Nah, he's supafly. And he's really smart, too. So go eat some cat barf, you dumb, flaming sack of dog crap.


Oh, and if my egotistical sister doesn't shut up about how it's her birthday(which it isn't 'til tomorrow) and we need to be nice to her, I'll make every other day of the year pure hell. What a little beotch. And I'll be damned if anyone was fooled by her obviously stuffed bra. Yeah, um, you're eleven. No eleven-year-old has boobs that big. But I didn't say anything. Maybe that's a sign of me getting maturer(Is that spelled right?). Or it's a sign of me wanting to see people stare at her and think "$200 bucks says that kid stuffs her bra."

The Punisher is awesome

...but not as awesome as me. But hey, not much is. Just... the ladies. Another uneventful week at school over. You must be thinking, "Oh, exalted one, what about Ivan, the storm whose wrath was almost as great as your level of awesomeness?" Well, you punk-ass beotches, Ivan was a little overrated. Just about every school in the state got a day or two off thanks to Ivan. But our lame-ass school didn't. Private school sucks. I mean, first we have to wear khakis every day, sometimes ties, we can't have any fun whatsoever, and then we have to come to school on incliment weather days, along with days in which Ivan is supposed to hit, yet you could practically go to the zoo while busy not learning. GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, man I hate school. And it hates me, too. And pants are overrated. That's why the ladies always try to take mine off. But they can't, because our school has a lame-ass dress code that requires los pantalones to be worn by me at all times. Ooooh, I spoke espanol. Sexy. Like me.






I think I'm the only person who was unaware that John Candy has been dead for ten years. That's the only reason I'm still mourning. Because I just didn't know. Now I've GOTTA lose weight. All the great overweight comedians are dead. John Candy, Chris Farley, that one fat guy... all the greats. Jeez cheese Louise, man.

Go see Residnet Evil 2 if you haven't already. Go rent the Punisher if you haven't already. It's a saaaaaaaaaaad movie that made me laugh, cry, laugh a little more, shout "Jeez! He kilt that Russian guy dead!", and have to take a leak.




Screw you, Ivan. You were the suckiest hurrican ever. Whoops. There I go with that sexy espanol again.

Screw you, iTunes!!!

I just did it. I defeated the man. There is now no need for me to blow $500 on an iPod. I just figured out how to put iTunes files on an MP3 player.
Eff you, Apple. I won. The only way for you to beat me is to not play. How about a nice game of tic-tac-toe?

Update'd!

I've decided to have a more positive outlook on life. This way, the week will move along quicker. so... something positive about this week... it's over. 4 weeks of school down, only about 32 weeks left. Great. I mean, Great!!!!!!!! Whatever.

Duran Duran has a new song out. It's pretty good, but somewhat sub-par to some of their other hits.

Spanish class was funny yesterday. Not because the teacher told a funny joke, but because he was so pissed off at us. He was all "Pay attention, dammit!" Well, he didn't relly say that, but he probably would have. The reason he was so pissed was because most people either got a low C(equivalent of a D) or failed altogether on a test we took a week or so ago. I got a C. But you know what? I don't really care. In the words of Ravi(another kid in that class), "Maybe he'll have a heart attack!" That or his trophy wife(no, I've never met her or seen her, but this guy has to be going through his midlife crisis, and he probably doesn't have a Mustang) leaves him. Anyways, enough of me being cynical.

Nah, I like being a cynical bastard. This past weekend, I got an IM from one of my followers. I mean, readers. JOIN MY CULT JOIN MY CULT. That really meant alot to me. I mean, someone actually cared to IM. I think I'm gonna cry now... No, wait, I'm not. But thanks anyways. If you want to see me cry, you'll need to impale with 4, count 'em, 4 pool skimmers while dangling me above a pit of sharks who haven't eaten in a week or two. Then, you might see me shed a tear. Or you could just make me watch the last 10 minutes of the movie Selena. (Why did you have to die Selena, why?) That always makes me cry.





























Look how far this thing'll go down!

hooray for lettuce

I got up a 7 this morning. Don't know why. But I think I'll do that more often. Our house('hoose', if I were Canadian) is much more awesomer when everyone is sleeping.

I was thinking. My sisters' friends are still annoying, and they still come over to the house to bother me, so why not just set out some beartraps like in My Boss's Daughter. I'd never have to deal with them again. except when I have to dispose of their bodies. So maybe I could install a high-tech security system that fires a laser at them when they come within 100 feet of our house(which works out well, because the live less than 100 feet from our house and would be garanteed to be laser'd as soon as I installed it), but I don't have enough money for that. So I'll dig a huge pit and cover it so they can't see it. When they come close, they'll fall into- a moat! That's what I need! But with no water in it. I'll ensure that they don't escape by making it really deep. So when they fall in, they'll be stuck forever. I'm so awesome.

Only one month and one day 'til I'm 14. I've already planned my birthday out. My dad, a few friends and I are all going to go see Shaun of the Dead. And then we'll go do something else. And they'll give me presents. And it'll be GREAT.

I'm not going to bother talking about school, seeing as it was exactly the same as the previous two weeks of school. Crappy. So why bother? My point exactly.

Free iPods? No, free children.

I used to wonder why Germans worshipped David Hasselhoff. Now I know, thanks to the EuroTrip Soundtrack. Oh, by the way, my friend Doug brought his portable DVD player on the bus yesterday and we watched EuroTrip. Without a doubt the best bus ride ever. I mean, it could only have been better if Cosgrove had drank a big can of SHUT THE HELL UP. God, he's annoying. If he ever bothers Sarah again, I'm gonna eat him for breakfast. And, seeing as I'm a fat kid, you can quote me on that. Same thing goes for those two eleventh graders(this clown and his gay partner) who keep insisting that I should 'do' Sarah. Sorry you guys don't have the ability to come within 10 feet of a girl without falling over from all the pressure, but some of us are actually respected by women(a rare achievement for a nerd like me) and don't plan on changing that. Besides, I have no interest in eating a cat(if you catch my drift...). So there you have it. I lied. I did complain about school. Well, maybe just 3 of the bastards at school, but whatever. Bye. And whatnot.

Sorry for the redundant post.

That second to last post appeared to have not been posted, but in fact posted 9 times. Sorry.

Here's a fun fact:......you made out with your sister, man!

After months of waiting, I finally got the EuroTrip soundtrack. Kickass.





School still sucks. Weekends are still too short. Still weighted down with home(busy)work.My duct tape flipflops still kick ass. Pretty much nothing has changed. Please IM me if I'm on. I'm effing bored out of my mind.

Sorry for the short post. I've gotta prepare for an in class essay in English class tomorrow on the book All But My Life. It's good, but I know I'd like it more if I wasn't being tested on it(by the way, I made a 90 on that test. I expected somewhere around a 75). But do yourself a favor and read it.

(Insert humorous post title here)

Ah, another shitty week at school has passed. Spent, no, wasted last night at the football game. I would have loved to spend Friday night sitting on my ass, doing nothing, but rarely do things turn out the way you want them to. It was somewhat fun, seeing as no one was actually watching the game(psssst.... don't tell anyone, but the other time mopped the floor with our team). Last year, it was all, "Shut up, I'm watching the game." But now that I'm in high school, anyone who actually cares about football is on the sidelines or on the field. After the game was the school's delayed Back to School Bash, or, as my dad called it, Back to School Ass. It was terribly lame. I'm glad I only stayed for 5 minutes.


New season of Degrassi on October 1! Degrassi Season 1 on DVD in one month! Hooray! Resident Evil 2 comes out next week! Well, I think I'm done for now. See you next week.

Don't Worry, I Won't Sell Out Anytime Soon

In case you didn't see the blogger homepage thing, they are now offering a service to pay bloggers for putting ads in their blogs. Let's face it. Only idiots believe the scams advertised on the internet. And ads are hella annoying. So there'll be no ads here. The superior intelectual abilities of my blog's readers is beyond that. None of you clowns would click on the ads. And I have a cluttered website and zero extra cash. School still sucks. And I get hardly anytime to hang out with my parents. Yes. There truly is a teenager who actually wants to talk to his parents. But he can't, because of school. When I'm really screwed up as an adult, I'll blame school and its prevention of me talking to my parents. But there were free snow cones at school today, so a fat-ass such as I was quite satisfied by that.

School Sucks

This was the longest week ever. School was heinous like a fat man's anus. Fortunately, my fellow nerds and I all have the same lunch period. Hooray for nerds. Speaking of which, my friend Doug and I are officially school newspaper nerds. But that lucky bastard's article for this month can no longer be written, seeing as the football game was rained out. Which I liked, because it combined two of my most favorite things:rain and not football, which basically covers everything.
I started wrighting a story. It's pretty good, but maybe a little too slow. I'll get around to posting it soon. Anyways, I promised I'd disclose my true identity in this post. Well, I lied. But I will tell you my real NICKNAME. It's "The Ryan". Oh, and if you go to my school, be prepared, for on Monday morning, I will start talking in the third person. or should I say, "The Ryan will start talking in the third person." Huzzah.



You can call me "El Diego" if you like that better.

New gimmick!

Tune in next week for the thing you've all been waiting for.... drumroll please... no, I'm not going to start being funny...... I'm going to reveal my true identity. You get return from the edge of your seats now. And yes, that was stolen from a Strong Bad E-Mail.

Damn you, Blockbuster!!!!

The other night, I won a prize off of the cap from a Sprite bottle. The prize? A free Blockbuster Favorites rental. After I got a haircut today, my mom and I were waiting for the pizza we ordered(to go), and I "coincidentally" had the cap. We decided to go into Shlockbuster and get a movie. I knew that the number of "Favorites" movies wasn't huge, but I expected at least a few. My mom and I looked for 45 minutes. And didn't find a single one. What a great prize. Thanks, you corporate bastards. Be aware of the large packages you'll be recieving in the mail soon. They contain bear traps.* What kind of contest has no prizes? Not a good one, I'll tell you that.


*Please note that that was me being ficticious. I don't have any bear traps.

I hate my sister's friends

Ever since we moved into our new house, my sisters have been behaving differently. Their new friends have quite radical attitudes and behavior. One of my sisters has started mouthing off to my mom. She's 10. She NEVER had an attitude before meeting these kids. They now show ZERO respect for anyone else's property, and waste stuff off the wazoo(What a great word. Wazoo!). They're always leaving food all over the place along with dishes and wrappers(Not like Jay-Z or Snoop Doggy McDogDog, you twat.)
Well, today, when my mom was out and I was watching my sisters after they got back form school, they brought the ring leader of their friends over. I figured that since I technically was in charge, I'd say they weren't allowed to have friends over until mom got back. They fought and fought and finally just ended the conversation and kept the friend over. Well, a perfect opportunity came up to make her leave when she began to use words my sisters really didn't need to know(I don't care how liberal a person you are, no nine and ten year olds should know what humping is). I told her to shape up or leave. Know what she said back to me? "You're not the boss of me. You can't tell me what to do!" I was all, "You bet your ass I'm the boss of you when you're at MY house, BITCH!"
Well, I didn't REALLY say that, but I would have. But I told since I was babysitting, my words were law. And my words were Quit saying 'hump'. Know what she did? She started chanting "Hump, hump, hump, hump!" It seemed like the fact that I was the master of this domain had no effect on her. I reminded her again of this, and she said that if she called up her mom and asked her whom was incharge of her when at my house, her mom would say 'Sarah(the friend, in case you were confused)'. Ooooh, man that pissed me off.
We some how later got to the subject of my DVD's. They made fun of Eurotrip. Big mistake. I was all "That's a classic movie beeotch, and when you turn 18, you're watching it." They wanted to know why I had seen it when I was only 13, and they couldn't see it until they were 18(Oh, so now they want to watch Eurotrip, eh?). I explained to them that the movie was unrated. That wise-ass friend of their's whiped out her fresh attitude and asked "Do you like iut because it has boobies in it?" I replied by saying(yes, I know this was a little out of hand) that that's what boys liked to watch. She got offended and whipped out her "You dirty pig!" attitude. Feminazi. My sister's in for a nasty suprise when her friend's feminism turns into lesbianism and finds out that that bra burner(And believe me, you don't want to see her in anything more revealing than an eskimo suit.) just wants to get in bed with her.
But I never said that.

Jimmy and the Giant Pear

I don't care what anyone says. Roald Dahl stole the concept for James and the Giant Peach from me. That euro-Bastard. Here was the original story, which can only be found here. Read the first comment.

Squirrel Name Generator

Saw this at one of the forums I frequent. The Squirrel Name Generator. I'm Lieutenant McBush.
One of my friends and I are planning to go see Harold and Kumar this weekend, but I don't know if that will work out. If it does, we're gonna go buy the Eurotrip soundtrack afterwards, cause it's awesome. Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know....
Sorry. Anyways, school is starting very soon, and school is gonna suck the big one. Even more than usual. But hey, maybe I'll get Kill Bill Vol. 2 on DVD and everything will be ALL better. Nah, it wouldn't be all better until I got Dawn of the Dead on DVD this October. Then everything would be JUST PEACHY.



Whadda Ya Know, Haddi-Man?

My dad is incredibly unselfish...

But he doesn't always think about what will happen because of his decisions.

Today, I learned that he agreed to be a "parent" for one of the boarding students at the private school. Basically, every once in a while, this boy or girl(I'm assuming it's a boy, but I could be wrong) will visit our house for the weekend. My parents will come to any games he plays in at school. Make him cookies every once in a while. Make him feel at home. What's the problem, you might ask? We live 60 miles from the school. My parents can barely make it to all of my chorus concerts(don't ask) and my brother and I's games. But now, they'll be adding another kid to this list. For four years. So in about two years, my folks will have to attend FIVE DIFFERENT KIDS' CONCERTS, GAMES, RECITALS, WHATEVER. SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS. Anyways, I'm well aware that my dad was just trying to do the right thing, but he obviously didn't look into this whole "Rome parent" thing before signing up for it.

Be prepared for a huge culture clash.

But it will be somewhat interesting. I've never met an Islamic person before. Maybe it won't be all that bad. I just hope the guy's nice. And that I don't say anything insensitive.

Idea for a great new movie

Okay... so the continuing battle between robots and pirates rages on as the astronauts search for the key that will switch off the robots. Meanwhile, in Sweden, a bad-ass black woman walks around killing Communists in cahoots with old people plotting world domination via a giant laser that shoots laser-fied posion from outer space. Every time she kills one of her foes, she loudly exclaims "Kaboom, bitch!" But the communists have another weapon: the evil videotape that whenever you watch it, you turn into Rosie O'Donnell. But seeing as no one watches videos anymore, only DVD's, the plan to amass an army of obese lesbian women has failed. Meanwhile, Adam Sandler falls in love with a girl from Japan named Cookie, who turns out to be a deranged transvestite from Bulgaria on a mission to kill the bad-ass black woman in Sweden, who has the key to stopping the robots. Hilarity ensues. Sandler dies. The pirates win. The bad-ass black woman kills the deranged Bulgarian transvestite, but doesn't say "Kaboom, bitch!", which means the curse has been broken. But first, she must return the key to the mystical Temple of Bad Shit in Egypt so the Robots never return. But on her way there, she meets up with Rob Schneider, who has been transformed into a vial containing a rare disease that will make all of the worlds water supply turn into a liquid worse than any poison; Diet Coke with Lemon. The Commies and Geezers want their hands on the disease but a male Lebanese vetrinarian who also happens to be a world-class chef tags along to provide his assistance with the task of slaying Kathie Lee Gifford...

I've said it before and I'll say it again...

Eurotrip is kick ass. That movie is even funnier the third time around. I bought it on DVD, along with the first Kill Bill and Ferris Bueller. All of those movies are classic.

Okay, I'd like to apologize for something... Yes. I know the goth song sucks. but doesn't it honestly look like one-hit-wonder material? I mean, it's one of those songs that people go out and buy the CD for after hearing it on the radio, the they listen to the CD, and they're all, "Dude, this CD sucks." If each CD costs $15, I'd be rich. Especially if I produced and did all that other good stuff.

Recently I've gotten a new-found respect for Moby. And techno/electronic music in general. iTunes has 72 streaming electronic radio stations. Absolutely free. Does that not kick ass? It does. Now visit this website. That's just awesome. It blew me away when I first saw it. I'm still recovering after that first time I saw it and I was launched away from my computer and my head went through the T.V. The explosion could be seen for miles. Of course that's false.
The explosion could only be seen for one mile.

I'd like to vent about something. What is that thing? Wasting summer. Adults seem to have forgotten what summer was like as children. I know we kids are annoying as hell, but that doesn't mean that they can just flush our vacations down the toilet. I don't want to read over the summer. I don't want to write a paper over the summer. I don't want to paint the Sunday School room over the summer (I would have if they had used my idea. It was a serious one. Basically, everyone who showed up would get their own section to paint. The could paint whatever they wanted that would represent what they like. But no, that was rejected by someone who wanted to paint the room te most obnoxious color ever.) Do parents not remember what it was like to not have to think about math and history for 3 months? The best three months out of the year, when you can just do whatever? When the man isn't deciding what you have to do? Thanks, adults, for taking away yet another thing kids look forward to. What's next- educational T.V.(Oh, wait a tick...)?

The Goth Song

I wrote this on a napkin at NBA city Orlando. Someday, it'll make me rich:
(Heavy Metal music in background. Or a tune pilfered from a Marilyn Manson song.)
Blood drips from my orfaces
I hope everybody dies
Nothing rhymes with orfaces
This fact makes me cries

I hate the world
I hate the people too
Except for Pam Anderson
Dude, her boobs are huge

We all die in the end
That sucks
Don't stick a hamster up your butt
He might get stuck

When I learn to drive
I'll run kids over
Old people, too
That would be cool

Dude, why would you put
A hamster in your ass?
That's freaking...
What if it...(words crossed out) nevermind

Life sucks
Just like that guy
I saw him on TV
He sucked

Flowers, bunnies, and puppies
Are great
Specially when you throw them
Into a wood chipper



Dude, when you see me on MTV17, be like, I read that years ago! It's Guy McAwesome! I KNOW HIM!

Celebrate this holiday or I'll stick your face in a pile of dog vomit.

Visit this site or I'll... do... something... not good. Now, after visiting that site, you must begin preparing for international "Talk Like A Pirate Day". And if you've got a website, link to that website soall your readers will see it. Everyone has to know about Talk Like A Pirate Day.

You know what sucks more than having to go back to school in one week? Wasting my last Saturday of summer at orientation. That's the shit, man. I don't care what anyone say, high school's gonna suck the big one. Like, it'll suck more than regular school. And regular school sucks alot.

Is this not awesome? If you said no, you're wrong. Because it is.

This is a good website. See if you can find my posts. You won't, but try anyways. Also try their sister/brother/whatever site. It's cool.

Only one week left of summer.

Well, that sucks. But I did find two old, great CD's of mine: Running With Scissors by Weird Al and The Very best Of Dr. Demento. They're both awesome. I've never been able to find Dr. Demento's radio show. I know it's on late at night, an on an AM station, but I can never find it. Anyone know where I can find it?

Oh, and in case you were worried, I didn't really set my face on fire. But I did put my leg on the open grill. It felt awesome. seriously though, I don't condone masochism or however it's spelled. Remember kids, never take your anger out on your body. Take it out on someone else's. ZIIIING!

It looks as if I'm back to having no one read my blog....

...so I'll have to do something to get attention. How about... lighting my face on fire?

I'll have pictures up later.