The Fall of Innocence, or Something of Equal Melodrama

Currently Watching: Big Love
In the span of one week, everything in my life has pretty much changed. Bob has moved out and starts classes tomorrow, and in a few hours, I'll begin my senior year. Of course, I'll be riding the loser cruiser for at least the first week... Joy of all joys, to be sure.

Despite knowing that all of this was going to happen, I still don't think I could have ever been truly prepared. Living alone in this basement is really weird. I've started sleeping in Bob's old bed; he told my mom that that was okay, and that he would sleep on the couch when he comes to visit, but it still feels weird, like I've moved on from his departure...

And now I'm talking like he's dead. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

It's a really squeaky bed; if I don't have headphones on or the radio blasting, I can't sleep too well. Then again, I really don't like my old bed, so I guess I'll just stay put.

But that doesn't matter. What does matter is this is pretty much the first time he hasn't been there, and not until now am I realizing just how dependent I was on him. Sure, his chauffeur-ery was pretty apparent, but now I realize he was pretty much more of me that I was. I don't know if any thing's actually changed, but I feel alone and naked and out of place.

And now that all three people who read this think I'm a mo for my bro, I'm going to bed. It's 10:30, and I'll never get up tomorrow lest I go to sleep soon.

That, or I'll watch TV until 6 a.m.

Failure

Currently Listening To: Let's Make Love and Listen to Death from Above by CSS
I remember writing, back in my freshman year, an essay for English about "rites of passage". One of the examples I used for modern rites of passage was getting a driver's license, and I don't think anyone would contest that.

So when someone fails at a rite of passage, like the one above, the only thing that comes to mind is "soul-crushing". I think that works. That's pretty much how I feel right now. This is like that time I found some receipts a few days after Christmas one year... receipts for things labeled "from Santa". That's really all I can compare this to in terms of disappointment. So much self-consoling and whatnot. Denial... Lots of denial. "You were nervous", "the instructor was too harsh", whatever.

On the other hand, "embarrassing" also comes to mind. I haven't been faced with too many embarrassing situations in the past, so if I had to equate the shame felt as that woman told my dad that I'd failed to anything, I'd say: riding a bike on a crowded street, crashing the bike and landing in such a way that the handlebar goes straight up my ass, at which point a clown approaches me and takes a lengthy hangover piss all over me; while still covered in piss-stained clothing with a bike hanging out my ass, I'm arrested for indecent exposure (my ass is showing, I suppose) and hauled off to jail without a chance to change clothes or remove the bicycle from my ass.

I think that sums up how I felt.

So yeah, I failed my driver's test. I could get 100% on my retest and still couldn't undo this. I'll think of it every time I see my license, every time I renew it, every time I drive, when my children are getting their licenses (parents who've smoked pot think they feel bad telling their children about the evils of drugs? try giving your kid tips on passing the test when you yourself failed).

I mean, is there anything that could possibly signify my non-worth of existence?

No.

At the age of sixteen, I have already faced the most crushing defeat I could ever imagine.

Excuse me while I go dig a sixty seven inch deep hole in the backyard, fill it with lye, surround said hole with all manner of flesh-eating critters and then do a nice big cannonball into my rightfully deserved peril.

There are starving children in Ethiopia who would gladly pass a driver's test, but ungrateful and selfish me had to go and squander it.

Things I Do Like, Things I Don't, And Things I'm Rather Apathetic Towards

Currently Listening To: Angels Losing Sleep by Our Lady Sleep
I actually kind of like this band. I suppose that should be a given, considering I haven't skipped or deleted the song at this point, but there was never a time whereupon I skipped into a record store, spotted and Our Lady Peace CD, soiled myself due to the overwhelming joy and gleefully leaped over to the register, at which point I tore open the packaging without even paying first because of extreme and unbearable anticipation.

But that is not of any consequence. What matters is that Matt Damon is on the Daily Show tonight, and that guy is awesome

Okay, so that was Thursday night. I got distracted... And now here I am, on Friday night. Since then, I've seen the Bourne Ultimatum. The movie itself was awesome. Some other aspects? Not so much. Take, for instance, the guy sitting next to me. He was eating nachos. I never understood why they even sell nachos at movie theaters until I saw this jackass munching on corn chips and licking spicy, liquid cheese off of his fingers... Ugh, makes me sick. Smug little asshole, eating his nachos... What a jerk.

And then, to make matters worse, there was a preview for a movie with Nicholas Cage. Aw, shit. It doesn't really matter what the movie was; I was doomed to hate it, on account of Nicholas Cage.

Of course, seeing as it was National Treasure 2, it's quite relevant what the movie was. Where do they get off making this movie? I mean, first of all, Nicholas Cage sucks. Pure and simple. Second of all, are people really stupid enough to believe that every national monument in like every country has huge bottomless pits underneath, which conceal centuries-old international conspiracies linking every major event ever?

Well, yes. But should Disney be encouraging this? And since when did they ditch the old, classic blue Disney logo in favor of this flashy, multi-colored new one? Those soulless bastards.

Siblings are annoying too. Well, I shouldn't say siblings. I should just say sisters, because that's what I mean. They talk and talk and talk, and I just can't take it. They talk about the dumbest shit. Ballet classes (don't care), middle school gossip/scandals (really don't care) and just everything, and frankly, they could be talking about me and I still wouldn't care. That's how much I'm not interested in what they have to say. AND on top of that, one of the sisters (who will be, again, left nameless to preserve her public image) showed my parents some Facebook pictures of the party my brother had a few weeks ago. I suppose I could understand it if something had been broken and no one owned up to it and the picture acted as evidence or something, but it wasn't an issue at this point. My parents hadn't been suspicious or anything. Everything was restored to how it once was. They even knew people had been over. So what was there to be gained by rolling over on your own flesh and blood, besides throwing away his trust?

Naturally, I went and deleted her (and the other sister) from my friends' list on myspace and facebook. Just to be safe.

I also don't like anime. Our satellite receiver seems to have gotten stuck on Cartoon Network, which wasn't a problem as I watched Futurama, and then Robot Chicken, and the Aqua Teen Hunger Force... But then anime came on.

It was the worst minute ever.

For serious.

But the pizza we ate after the movie was good. It was at a place that apparently has been around for a while but at the same time eluded this fat kid's awareness, called "California Pizza Kitchen". Basically, it was pizza, but it was really good pizza, and thne they put crazy stuff on it, like shrimp scampi. That's what I got. Hence, me listing it as an example.

Fin.