Dreams (Again)

Currently Listening To: Waiting For The Sirens' Call by New Order

So I had a really weird dream last night. Short story shorter, I was enlarged by an enlarging ray, to the point that I was about seven feet tall. I got to do all kinds of stuff I usually can't because now, I looked like an adult. I drove (poorly... Very, very poorly) on my own, did some other stuff... The only problem was that I wasn't supposed to have been enlarged (don't know why), so I had to hide from people so as to not be caught. Not that I spent the entire time behind a bush; on the contrary, I interacted with a lot of people. I was just partially hidden behind things the whole time. And I was naked, but for some reason no one was bothered by that. Huge double standard. And then at one point I was trying to catch a hypnotoad but couldn't, so some kid came to help me. He whipped at it using his belt and the toad got stuck to it. Then we showed it to everyone, and they were pleased. Again, I don't know why people cared about the hypnotoad. They just did.

I suppose it's worth explaining that one, I saw an episode of Robot Chicken with a segment called "The Giant Midget" last night, and two, I'd had a conversation with my family about how I'm a baby-face (why all the college folk thought my brother was the one looking at the school). And I watched an episode of Futurama with Hypnotoad last night.

College Visits

Currently Listening To: Blue Monday by New Order

Family Guy isn't very funny, but I'm a sucker for people making fun of Bill Cosby. THE JELLO PUDDING... ZOOBA ZOOBA ZOO.

I awoke from my slumber yesterday only to be forced into the family tank, whisked off to Tennessee. We had a two-o'clock appointment at Sewanee with their admissions rep. and only a little bit of time to make me not look like shit. A small fortune at a few outlet stores and ten minutes shaving in a sleazy gas station restroom later, we were good to go. I did my best to make a semi-good impression and not make an ass of myself like I normally do, but it was all for naught, as it was assumed my brother was the one interested in the college, and his phone went off twice during the information session.

It was a really beautiful campus, though... I'd love to go there. Until yesterday, I was quite stubbornly set on going to college in a city, but I think I'd do just fine up in the woods.

And then today, we had an appointment on the complete other side of the state at Rhodes. This time, it wasn't an information session... It was an interview. So I failed at the 'not looking like an ass' thing. And once again, it was assumed that Robert was the prospective student. I need to tell that kid to put the phone away. It's going to be the end of me. But Memphis has a pyramid, and I'd apply to any school in a town with a pyramid.

I love New Order. Great, great band. "Waiting For The Sirens' Call" is probably my favorite, behind Blue Monday of course.

And I've started reading "The Stand", which is supposedly like the greatest book ever, but it's really, really long. I doubt I'll ever finish.

I mean, it's like 1130 pages. Holy crap.

Big Love

Currently Listening To: Angelina by the Bravery
Big Love, aside from Heroes, is my absolute favorite show. It's just so damn entertaining... And there's a certain "can't look away" aspect to polygamy. So yeah, great show.

...Why am I talking about Big Love? Well, because I just remembered what I'll be doing tomorrow night: watching the new episode of Big Love. The new episode which happens to be "the episode". From the first episode, I could immediately sense that in the case of the oldest son on the show, there are two possible story lines:

1. He's gay. I mean, look at the kid and tell me it didn't come to mind.
2. He bones the youngest wife, who is the hottie from the end of "In The LAnd Of Women", making her the only thing worth anything in that train wreck (they aren't blood-related so it's cool...ish)

And so last week, at the end of the episode, as per usual, they had a preview of next week's episode, wherein the #1 mom, mother of the aforementioned son, opens the door of the youngest wife's house to find her son half naked. I almost cried. This is really exciting. I mean, I more interested in this than how to stop an exploding man.

I lied. Polygamy is awesome. Especially when it's three good-looking women and the fountain of testosterone known as Bill Paxton. Fuck Chuck Norris, I'm all about Bill Paxton. I carry a 5 x 7 picture of him in wallet, just in case. That's right, if by some miracle I find myself in a girl's bed, I have not a condom but a picture of Bill Paxton.

There's some logic in there somewheres.

And fuck "Hey There Delilah". That shit's so corny and shit. That chick needs to find a man with a penis.

Driving School

Actuellement écoutant : Tony le Battement par les Bruits

Bored+google translater. I'm sure I fucked up French grammar, but I've never learned any sort of formal French, so...

So... Country Rob Reiner is an asshole. You may find yourself, sitting at your chair at your computer while eating a hot pocket and watching anime at 2 a.m., wondering who the hell Country Rob Reiner? Country Rob Reiner was the second of my two driving 'instructors'. I use that quoted term lightly, as there wasn't a whole lot of instruction going on... All of these geniuses were football coaches, so it was the expected teaching methodology: "Now do this. Wait, you don't know how already? Why not?" I suppose I understand that kind of an attitude. I mean, it's not like it was a driver's education course, or something.

But I had fun driving grandma cars on the course. That was fun. Hence my having fun. But Country Rob Reiner wasn't fun, nor was driving his fat ass around. Of the hour I was in the car with him, maybe five minutes were spent on roads with shoulders. I struggle with shoulderless roads. And why shouldn't I? I live in the suburbs, not bumfuck! It's ridiculous. And the whole notion of scripted driving is nuts. It was like, driving driving driving CHANGE LANES oh you didn't do it fast enough, you fail. That's not how it works, cha'know? Typically, you've got ample time to change lanes, unless you're about to miss your turn. But we were in no hurry, and yet he still gave me ten seconds to change lanes. He was like, "Too late." And I was like, "Too late for what? The lane is still changeable. It's the same two lanes."

And then about twenty minutes later, he looked at me and asked if I had my blinker on back nyah. Without thinking or really doing anything besides answer him, I answered in a very unconcerned tone, "...No, should I have?" In retrospect, maybe I could have handled that differently. And maybe he wouldn't have been such a douche if I had tits (er, lady tits) and was short a thing or three between my legs.

Paging Dr. Acula

Currently Listening To: Earthquakes and Sharks by Brandtson
Scrubs love.

So I finally gave blood today. Let me just say, I was terrified. I was in the prep room or whatever and my nurse (is that the right name for that position? I guess so) was like, "Nervous?" and I was all "chyeah y? kthnxbai" and she was like... I don't know, something they measured on the machine was super high. Pulse, bloodpressure, whatever. Then she asked me about all of my escapades of heroin use and gay prostitution in Africa after 1977 and eating beef in the U.K. for more than three months. I was like, "Yes, is it a problem?"

Next thing I know, I'm squeezing a stress ball and she's tapping for veins. TERROR. Needle... BAM. She tells me to squeeze every ten seconds. After a few minutes and a nice glass of the apple jews, she was like, "You're done." YAY! But I wasn't done. Then they had to take some MORE blood to see if I'm cool or not. But I got some free peanut butter crackers (my fave, aside from bufu of course) and another serving of jews.

That was around lunch. This evening was just as eventful... We drove to A-Town and ate dinner at this awesome diner and then drove around, looking at frat houses at tech (dad told us a little about each house: Dungeons and Dragons, assholes, Dungeons, Dungeons, preps, Dungeons...) and fancy houses I dream of raising my two children, Horace Octavius and Mariachi Ulysses, in. And then we drove through a special part of town. A very, very special part of town. The part that makes you want to put on some Melissa Ethridge and cut your hair real short and wear Armani sunglasses.

Yeah, that part of town.



AND I drove a bunch today and yesterday. Like, driving drove. I was out on 41 & 92, and people were honking at me and passing me. I drove to church today... It was madness. We got there like fifteen minutes late. I think I'll have to leave the house at five if I plan on driving myself to school this year.

Phone Calls

Currently Listening To: Angelina by the Bravery

So I got a phone call like two minutes ago... Another call from a blocked number. I answer it and say what one would expect someone to say to someone prank calling him for the millionth time. We're talking all times of day and night. Constant. BUT... This one was different. I finally got a response. Some whiny kid with a high-pitched voice who cannot identify himself but says he's from The Asshole State and that he's been told that unless he apologizes, he's grounded for the summer.

Curious...

And Driver's Ed really, really sucks. As much as I love watching videos of mass carnage on America's roadways (there was this one where a guy stole a van and was speeding down the road, weaving through traffic but then he slams into this other dude and the van flipped over like seven lanes and the driver fell out and got hit by two cars), the guys teaching it are huge assholes (they're football coaches) and it's really boring (six hours a day). The teachers have huge chips on their shoulders towardsa us private school kids; in fact, they're really bitter towards everyone in there. You know what, Coach Cockbag? I don't want to be there either. The state is making us take it. But unlike us, he is being paid to be there. So shut your fucking yap.

I really hate people.

Let's Get Physical, Physical

Currently Watching: Batman (the Tim Burton one... GOTH KID)
So today, I done got my physical and drug test done fer school. We went to the doc-in-a-box we usually go to up in C-Ville, but today wasn't like all those other times. Why? Because they forgot about me. Yes, they forgot completely about poor little me. I sat in that little room for TWO HOURS after they did the drug test without so much as a knock on the door. Somehow, I managed to slip through the cracks. Which sucked, but not as much as the disappointment I felt when I realized Hot Nurse wasn't going to be involved in the interesting part of the physical. No, no; it's simply too much to ask to have an attractive, dark skinned woman reach into my pants. Doctor Jim Boy Jeb has to do the honors. BALLS TO THAT. No pun intended.

The two hours delay pretty much derailed the rest of the day. We were then late for my dad's appointment at the Red Cross (I was going to give blood too), which put us on the interstate too soon after some asshole decided to ruin everyone's day by being horribly injured in a wreck. Some people are so inconsiderate.

I also drove a bunch today. Almost wrecked a few times... Yelled at my dad for his little tidbits of advice... You know. Fun stuff. I got a lot more comfortable with it, which will make driver's ed next week (and the week after that, I think) a lot easier.

It's still gonna suck, though. Not a whole lot could change that, either.

Paris Hilton

Currently Crying To: Stranger Than Fiction (starring Will Ferrell, Maggie Gylenhoweveryouspellhername, Queen Latifah and some old people)
I know it kind of damages my image of rugged individualism and apathy to talk about this, but following the Paris Hilton-xanga background debacle and the House of Wax thing, I think I'm in the green on this one.

Three days, obviously, is ridiculous, and I'm glad they're taking her back to jail, but at the same time, 45 days isn't much better. I suppose it never occured to anyone in the California judicial area that she did something not just illegal by driving drunk, but something really, really, REALLY (repeated for emphasis) reckless and dangerous... She drove DRUNK. People could have been hurt, seriously injured... Oh, I don't know, KILLED? DEAD? And it's not like her prison sentence, where they can commute it to house arrest if it's not going well; those people would be dead, in the ground, covered with dirt and sealed in wood. How the FUCK is it fair for Martha Stewart, by selling some stocks using privileged info to make some money that really wouldn't make much of a difference to her, gets a stiffer sentence? Paris very easily could have killed someone (it's about the same as swinging a knife around out in a crowded public space) and she gets 45 days TOPS. Martha spent a year in jail for stealing. Yes, it's wrong, but hurts less people. No once can die when you're manipulating the stock market.

This is bullshit, especially when you see that another woman got off with six years for shooting her husband while he slept. Six years for murder? I wish I were a woman and judges were too afraid to do any serious punishment for fear of being labelled sexist.

I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the fact that PEOPLE COULD HAVE DIED. DEAD NOT LIVING. LET ME SAY IT AGAIN TO, ONCE MORE, EMPHASIZE: DEAD.

Two words: death penalty. But I'll take it a step further and suggest that they not even say, "We're going to kill you." They should play like Russian Roulette or something with her. She might die, she might not. Hey, just like that time she went driving drunk!

I'd support the death penalty if the methods were analogous to however people committed their crimes. Timothy McVeigh, for instance, would be incinerated. Sadaam would have been gassed, et cetera. And I know people would be like, "That's inhumane", but let's be real for a second: we're executing them. That's not really humane to begin with. Why not spice things up a bit and sell it on Pay Per View?

Maybe a tiger pit would be fun... Has anyone killed someone else with a tiger lately, just so we can do it on him in response?

School Is Over

Currently Listening To: Oh My God by Kaiser Chiefs

Hooray! I'm a senior now... Which means more work and applying to college... Yay. AND we have to wear uniforms next year, which is likely the largest crock of shit I've EVER heard. I remember, when we were considering the school, sitting in the library watching a slide show, and the speaker would not shut up about not having uniforms. I know a certain school administrater who can take something of mine and put it in something of his.

Are there people out there who actually dress like that? Those uncomfortable pants, shirts with obnoxiously large logos on them... How on earth did a student committee agree to this? Forgive the ultra-nerdy reference, but it's like Darth Vader's running our school and dissolving the senate or something.

I suppose that could have been nerdier if it was a Star Trek reference. Never fear, though; I do not watch Star Trek. I tried one time... I almost died.


Of boredom, of course. I was left wondering how the hell anyone knew what was going on. There were at least a thousand characters on the ship. And it was so boring... All this delegation and politicing. Who wants to watch a show about people negotiating in space? If you find yourself watching something in space, you need scantily clad women and lasers. Nothing else. If something doesn't go wrong almost immediately (and I don't mean a treaty being violated or some boring shit), there's a problem.

Okay. Bye.