No, I'm Not A Guitarist, But I Play One On T.V.

Okay, so the big ball in Times square just dropped, but I'll comment on that later. Now, I'm gonna talk about my new guitar. Actually, I don't own a guitar. I can't play, either. But I do have a guitar case. It was lying in the middle of the street, so I opened up the car door and took it. I tried to hit some inbreds(yes, that includes the notorious incestuous neighbor kids) with it on the way home, but it isn't as good a weapon as a cello case. Damn. But anyways, now I'm gonna go up to hicktown(Where I attend the prestigious... Actually, it isn't prestigious at all. I hate that school.) and play air guitar with my guitar case out. I'll put a little cash/change in there so they'll know what to do, and I'll earn money for that day's lunch for me and my brother. It'll be great. I'll play Guns n' Roses, and maybe some country to satisfy those damned rednecks. Shit, man, I'm gonna be rich.


Oh, by the way, Christian Rock Hard is the best episode of South Park ever.

"Are You Sayin' I Go Out With My Sister?"

So I was walking up stairs from the basement(we were watching Napoleon Dynamite, whadda ya think? GOSH!), when my sisters and their entourage of FemiNazis came up to me saying that some punk wanted to talk to me. Actually, they said "Quad wants to talk to you." What the HELL kind of name is Quad? Who the FUCK names their kid Quad? Inbred rednecks, that's who, but that'll come into play later. Anyways, I went up stairs to get my ducktape flipflops, because they're that awesome, but they were nowhere to be found. So I went outside and talked to Quad. He said to me, "Are you sayin' I go out with my sister?" Now pause for a second, while I flash back to yesterday. My brother, his girlfriend, my sisters the FemiNazis and I were playing Freddy, which is like hide and seek, but backwards. So while I was on base with the middle, fat FemiNazis, and this kid Quad and his sister walked outside. He was showing off to his sister, when I leaned over to the FemiNazi and said, "My brother said they're going out. They walk to the bus stop holding hands. And stuff." Of course, her mouth is about as fat as her ass, and she told him. Well SHIT. So anyways, he asked me if I said he was dating his sister. I looked around and realized I was out numbered(three skater kids is still more than one fat ass if the fat ass is a nerd) and completely denied it. "Well then who said it?"
-"I dunno."
(other kid)"Maybe it was his brother."
-"Go hit puberty and no. It wasn't him(Aren't I a great brother?)"
Then my sister showed off to her friends a little as usual and I went inside. The end. Well, uh, I might add that Quad lives next door, meaning that not only could he easily torch our house, he also is our white trash neighbor. So that about sums it up. Keep in mind that this annectidote was mildly embellished. But it was embellished for awesomeness.

Art Museum Fun Time

Actually, it was more of an "Art Museum Shitty Time". We went for my dad's birthday, and will likely never return to that shit hole. Wait in line for an hour or so, Go inside, wait some more, then pack into an elevator and proceed forward to the "Van Gogh" exhibit. Oooh, interesting. Oh, wait, I don't care. So I go in, expecting to see some paintings by some nut job who cut off his ear and mailed it to a lady friend, but what do I get? Paintings by every other crazy French/Dutch/whatever impressionist. No van Gogh. And plenty of shitty paintings. Of course, I lightened up the depressed artist mood by giving tours. Like the little audio tour thing they were handing out, I declared every picture my favorite and discussed how x represents capitalism/war/anything America is involved in and y represents peace/hippies/whatever contrasts America. Man, there were some shitty paintings there. Except there was this one, and it was, no joke, robots playing poker. Kick ass. According to the audio tour guide, it represented oppresion during World War One. I thought if represented four robots playing poker, but whatever. And there were all these arteests(that's the French/fancy/snobby way of pronouncing it) walking around, and I was all, "Lady, shave your 'legs/upper lip/what the FUCK is that?'!" Oh, yeah, the gift shop was full of over-priced crap. The "go van gogh" shirt was like 25 bucks. I was all, "Shit no." And the "robots playing poker" poster was 25 big ones too, so I again said "Shit no." My brother, grandfather and I all agreed that we'd hadenough culture for a day and the museum sucked. Considering that the three of us pretty heavily contrast, it's safe to assume that we were right.

Taking regifting to the next level

Like the title says, this holiday season, someone in my family took regifting to the next level. My youngest sister gave me stuff STOLEN BY HER FROM MY ROOM. I was just like.... damn. Really, if you can't afford to buy stuff, just do what you do for everyone else and make them a card. It's funny that the one person who always guilt trips people about not getting each other gifts is the one person who totally screws other people over. Don't say "It's the thought that counts" because there was really no thought put into it whatsoever.

And next time(to the other sister), tell me when you decide to give me a crappy gift so I don't buy you a real one. C'mon, kids, I was buying real gifts when I was five. You're 10 and 11. 10 and 11 are both bigger than five.

My DVD collection could beat up your DVD collection

DVD collection update
Originally uploaded by CliveDangerously.

I decided to list them because I suck at photography.
Dr. No
From Russia With Love
Goldfinger
Thunderball
You Only Live Twice
On Her Majesty's Secret Service
Diamons are Forever
Live And Let Dire
The Man With The Golden Gun
Close Encounters Of The Third Kind
A New Hope
The Spy Who Loved Me
Halloween
Dawn Of The Dead
Moonraker
The Empire Strikes Back
For Your Eyes Only
Stripes
Octopussy
Return Of The Jedi
A Nightmare On Elm Street
The Terminator
A View To A Kill
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The Living Daylights
The Lost Boys
Spaceballs
Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure
Licence To Kill
UHF
Patriot Games
Goldeneye
Tommy Boy
are you honestly still reading?
The Lost World
Tomorrow Never Dies
The Faculty
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
The Matrix(disc still nowhere to be found)
Office Space
The Sixth Sense
The World Is Not Enough
Titan A.E.
X-Men 1.5
Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back
Joy Ride
Jurassic Park III
28 Days Later
Attack Of The Clones
Austin Powers: Goldmember
The Bourne Identity
Die Another Day
Ice Age
Minority Report
Panic Room
Resident Evil
Spider-Man
Bruce Almighty
Chapelle's Show Season 1
Freddy Vs. Jason
The Italian Job
Kill Bill Vol. 1
The Last Samurai
Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King
Hellboy
Hidalgo
I, Robot
Pirates Of The Carribean
Scary Movie 3
T3: Rise Of The Machines
X2: X-Mem United
The Butterfly Effect
Dawn Of The Dead('04)
The Day After Tomorrow
Eurotrip
The Girl Next Door
Kill Bill Vol. 2
The Ladykillers
Miracle
The Punisher
Saved!
Spider-Man 2

Ones I hope to get:
Clerks.
Mortal Kombat
Bourne Supremacy
Resident Evil 2
Sixteen Candles
Shaun of the Dead
The Breakfast Club


...I have no life whatsoever.



Oh, yeah, I've still got that Star Wars bonus disc, I just took it out because without it there are 81, and everyone knows 81 could kick 82's ass anyday.

I've decided to be lame and do a quiz

-----------------THE FUTURE------------------
-- Age you hope to be married: 22-24, I guess
-- Numbers and Names of Children: NONE
-- How do you want to die?: Vivisection, preferably by laser
-- What do you want to be when you grow up?: Awesome
-- What country would you most like to visit?: The Netherlands
10 Shows You've Been Watching Lately
10. South Park
9. Degrassi
8. The Daily Show
7. Headline News (boredom taking its toll)
6. Um... Drawn Together?
5. Trading Spouses
4. The Biggest Loser
3. I Love the 80's
2. I Love the 70's
1. The Simpsons
9 Things You're Looking Forward To
9. Doing nothing
8. Getting a '73 AMC Gremlin
7. Summer
6. Spring Break
5. Just about everyweekend
4. Death to infidels
3. Leaving the shithole known as the South
2. ...
1. Finishing this damned quiz
8 Things You Like To Wear
8. Foakley's
7. Fake Von Dutch hat
6. Old Navy(I'm waaaaay cool) cargo pants
5. Duct tape flip-flops
4. sure as hell not collared shirts
3. boxers?
2. the ladies (know what would look good on you? ME)
1. sarcastic t-shirts
7 People That Annoy You
7. rednecks
6. hippies
5. far-right wing Republicans
4. far left-wing Democrats
3. jocks that feel the need to (not literally) piss all over us non-jocks
2. unintelligent people
1. do I even need to type this one? Look a few posts down
6 Things You Touch Everyday
6. computer mouse & keyboard
5. fake Von Dutch hat
4. toothbrush (believe it or not)
3. "fresh" clothes
2. I was gonna say something here, but I deleted it because it sounded like I was trying to be cool
1. You know what? I just go ahead and say it: myself. There. I said it. Are you happy now? You people and your demands.
5 Things You Do Everyday:
5. Take a shower
4. Brush my teeth (yes, yes I do)
3. Get on computer
2. Listen to music
1. Sleep
4 People You Want To Spend More Time With
4. Claire
3. I really don't like to spend time with anyone so I'll just skip the rest of these
2.
1.
3 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
3. Dawn of the Dead(either one)
2. A Nightmare On Elm Street
1. Eurotrip
2 Of Your Favorite Songs At The Moment
2. Ride (the Vines)
1. I Love You Cause I Have To (Dogs Die in Hot Cars)
1 Person You Would Spend The Rest Of Your Life With
1. I should have known this would be one of those quizes about the love 'of your life' that you'll likely end up dumping in the coming month. You know what? I'd like to spemd the rest of my life by myself, just thinking. About ANYTHING.

Tom Hanks Is Going To Hell

Alternate title: Robert Zemeckis could film himslef shitting on a table and it would still gross at least 5 mil. at the box office.

It's official: Tom Hanks has officially ruined Christmas. Moreover, he ruined my favorite childhood Holiday story. What Festivus-themed holiday book would that be? The Polar Express.


Here is my list of things NOT in the book, but in the movie:
1. Little boy not believing in Santa
2. Asshole train conductor (He was gonna throw the black girl off the train? Damn)
3. Shitty song and dance sequence when hot chocolate was served
4. Obnoxiously poor poor kid
5. Obnoxiously obnoxious nerd kid
6. Deranged pedophile hobo
7. Ski stunt
8. Asshole conductor (He was such an asshole I put him on here twice)
9. Action/conflict of any sort
10.Steven Tyler (Are you fucking kidding me?)
11. Tom Hanks in half of the movie's speaking parts
12. Radioactive Santa
13. Sex hungry hobo (which goes along with #6, but he was so bad that he qualified for two)
14. Just about everything else in the movie

Well congratulations Tom Hanks, you ruined Christmas. Babies were crying because this movie was so awful. Well, it wasn't awful, but it was freaky as shit. Makes Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka seem like... something less freaky as shit, I guess. Anyways, to sum things up, do yourslef a favor and don't go see this. and if you do, don't bring your collection of small children. Unless of course they are mute and can't talk during the movie. I guess you could bring a dead toddler, but it would likely be decomposing. And a bit heavier than they were before... in the before times......



EDIT: And might I add that if this movie were a 'stranger' test, the little boy would have failed. Do you know how many strangers he talked to throughout the course of the movie? And what kind of dumbass gets on a TRAIN with a stranger, nevertheless Tom 'fucking' Hanks. Dumb piece of shit. He deserved to die at the end. He got what he had coming.

The one with all the links

Llama, llama.

Confrence bike.

I KNEW it! The earth is flat!

Aaaaah. Get it off me.

Puppets'd!

ENGLAND!

McGinley Alert!

dragonfly...

You can listen to music using your American Express?

So I was watching T.V. and this commercial came on. It had Ellen Degeneres or whatever her name is on there, and she was running around, jumping on her bed, bothering people in elevators and walking down the street and sht. Everywhere she went, music was playing, with all these different songs. I figured it would be some kind portable music playing thing, but no, the commercial was for Amex. I was like, wow, you can listen to music using your American Express? But then I thought, no a credit card couldn't hold a headphone jack. But it woulda been cool. Credit cars would become the next cell phones. They would be filled with all sorts of useless crap you never thought you'd need on a phone, but now cannot survive without. There would be cameracards, internetcards and cake cuttingcards, and you'd be like, I wonder what life was like before I could use my Amex to wipe my ass.

Great

Fuck you


So now my entire fucking family reads this. Yes, dear family, you DO piss me off to no end. Frankly, I wouldn't mind being like that guy on the Twilight Zone who wished everyone away. Glasses broke? Whoops. No one to keep me company? What a shame.


EDIT: Oh, yeah, Meredith? Robert and Madeline found your diary and read it. Whoops. Did I say that?

INVISIBLE'D!

You kids suck at covering up the fact that you were in my room.

The door was open. The computer had been turned off. Soemone had stolen my lightbulbs.



The people in my house have become increasingly worse at being covert and spy-like when breaking into my room. They could at least try to cover up their tracks. And then stealing a light bulb? I know you kids are reading this and I HATE YOU. Just kidding. But sometimes- scratch that- most of the time, you kids piss me off.

MY SIBLINGS: Proving survival of the fittest isn't true since 1988!

My Sister's blog

No, not sickie, it's the youngest one's blog. Cut her some slack, she's nine (even though when she registered, she said she was 20).

ANOTHER POST FOR GROOD LUCK.

DVD
Originally uploaded by CliveDangerously.

Check it out, fools. It's my DVD collection. Isn't it great? Yes, yes it is. If you said no, you were wrong. If you can't read the title of one or two or seventeen, then IM me. Actually, don't, because I'm too good for you.



EDIT: Okay, so it's a shitty picture, but what can you expect? I've got the smallest room in the house and this is the best spot for a picture like this.

a new pic "4" u lololol

awesome
Originally uploaded by CliveDangerously.

This is me. A real life picture I took yesterday. Yes, I am awesome, and I hope that you DO vote for me. For awesome. I'm glad they finally established an election for awesome.

EDIT: And I'm glad I won said election.

(translated "4" aol "peeps"): n im :) eye 1 sed e-tion

I've Lost All Faith In Bush

I used to always try to look at Bush with an open mind. After all, it can't be easy to run one of the biggest countries in the world. But this week, I... I heard something that no one intelligent could devise. I was watching/listening to CNN, and they said that the government now places minigolf courses as likely targets for terrorists. WHO THE FUCK GOES TO MINIGOLF COURSES? But that wasn't the issue. That wasn't what REALLY set me off. Then, they said that terrorists are now going to use lasers. These lasers would be generally aimed at airplanes. Not to blow them up, but to blind the pilots. This is ridiculous, folks. How are they gonna control them? They live in caves! And different caves every night! It would cost an assload to move a control center for a laser canon EVERY DAY. I mean FUCK.

Check out this asshole's site. Wait, on second thought, don't. Why the fuck does he get to be on T.V. and I don't? Here's to that fat blubbering piece of shit choking on his own self.

Help, Friends is on and I can't find the remote!

God, how I loathe that show. Why can't they put something good on after the Simpsons? I am officially unwell. My sister got strep at the end of last week and, instead of quarantining herself, decided to begin infecting the rest of the household. At least I don't have to go to the bastardous institution known to most as school. but then again, I'll have to go back at some point. SHIT. I may update tomorrow, depending on whether or not I do.

Worship Me

Yes, I am your superior. Accept it and bow down before me, and tremble with fear when I get pissed at you for stealing my joint. Now give me my joint back, dammit.

Nothing To Do Today

We had yet again no school today. I love having nothing to do. Boredom is bliss.



As part of my boredom, I watched CNN. The satelite was (who'd have guessed it) screwing up and skipping and what not, and it made the anchor lady sound like she was saying '...he is fucking dead', but with the 'fucking' bleeped out. I thought it was funny. Fuck you.

They Said It Couldn't Be Done

But tonight, I proved them wrong. Yes, I ate a meal consisting entirely of leftover stuffing. With ketchup on top. Oh, God, I think I'm gonna be sick.



EDIT: I think I'm either going to have a heart attack or my chest will burst open and a little tap dancing alien will come out.

I Always Felt Bad For Thanksgiving

It feels like people have Halloween and just jump straight on to Christmas. I mean, the day after Thanksgiving, it's the biggest shopping day of the year. Why is it the biggest shopping day of the year? Everyone is preping for Christmas. And there are songs and movies made for Christmas, to go along side all of the Christmas-special episodes of T.V. shows. What does Thanksgiving get? A parade and a fucking dog show. Who watches dog shows in the first place, besides people who participate in them? Anyways, I thought I'd rant for no reason and with very limited support for my bitching.




Oh, yeah, my little sister got her first call from a boy in her class. No, not a 'What's our homework?' call. A 'You're really pretty' call. Needless to say, I gave him an interview and found that he isn't good enough for my baby sister. Actually, I wasn't really paying attention. The conversation got boring, so I told him he failed the test and that he'd have to find another girl. In fact, IM him at LittleRhino14 and tell him he's not good enough for Madeline. And remind him frequently.




What? She's on the phone with him right now? Not if I can help it.

Clark Howard is a stingy bastard.

Clark Howard, for those of you lucky enough to not know about this shithead, is a guy on an Atlanta news show that always has tips to help stingy penny-pincher and frugal pig fuckers, among others, save money. Today, his annual "How To Scam Your Kids This Holiday Season" show aired. At the end, he said that out of the top ten rated toys, most were store brand and that kids do not care about the brand of the toy, just that they get the toy. That's true... but only when your testing group is from the ghetto and that's what they were going to get anyways. Most kids do care about the brand of the toy. It's no wonder his children hate him. I would too if he admited on television that he never buys name brand stuff for his kids just to save the extra buck. The bastard's got plenty of dough yet still shops at the fucking dollar tree. What a piece of dog shit on the shoe of life. The K-Mart brand shoe of life.






That he got used at a thrift shop.


And yes, there is another new post under this, though it won't be new after a while. But, hey, a double update day isn't half bad.


POST EDITED FOR SHITTY-NESS. Also, my mom said that ol' Clark has at least $1,ooo,ooo, which makes me hate him even more. He also announced on the radio that he gets his teenager daughter's back to school clothes at a thrift shop. Some one please hit this man with a bus, and fast.

Know what's kinda stupid? All of the local radio stations have a bunch these of these 'just music' hours. For those of you who are stupid dumbasses, that means that they don't play comercials. That does NOT include promos constantly being aired in between songs reminding you that they aren't playing comercials and thus are the best radio station ever. What apparently didn't occur to the radio station execs is that it's not the fact that the commercials are advertising that bothers people so much as it is the fact the the commercials interrupt the music-playing. SIRIUS radio seems to do that alot to. "This is SIRIUS radio. We don't play commercials. No commercials. None. At all. Let me keep goingon about this for 30 more seconds, which basically means that I'm advertising something to you that you've already got." Know what else I heard? TiVo is now going to make it so that you can't avoid commercials. Wasn't that the point of Tivo in the first place? So you could watch something aftef it came on and without any interuptions? I mean, you pay to use it, and they're still making you sit through ads, which are responsible for making the basic channels free in the first place.


But watching Final Destination 2 will make it aaaaaaaaaall better.

The Door Isn't Closed For A Reason, Asshole

You may or may not, depending on whether or not you obsess over this site, remember a post a long time ago about my siblings always trying to break into my room. Well, on Monday, one of those morons decided they wanted to get on my computer. I had locked the door because my brother kept pushing it open and I could hear one of them trying to unlock the door, so I went to sit next to the door to keep him/her out. Then the other two came. All three of them were pushing on my door and trying to unlock. To make a long, stupid, boring story short, they broke the door. It no longer closes. Well, FUCK BEANS. I ask my dad if I could buy a dead bolt for my door (with my own money), but he said no. It's great to hear that my parents are so concerned about the fact that my three siblings are constantly ganging up on me. I know that sounds incredibly whiny, but these kids are really starting to piss me off. When the door is(was) closed or locked, it means(meant) "STAY THE FUCK AWAY". Now they come in, watch my T.V. and get on my computer as they please. And considering that this week is Thanksgiving, the Three Stooges will always be there to PISS ME OFF. Looks like a fun week ahead of me.


Now I sit here waiting until noon for Night of the Living Dead to come on on some channel I have never heard of before.

Cosgrove and another kid got in a fight.
Over a paper mache pig.
Cosgrove gave the kid a bloody nose.
A kick in the nuts, too.
What a bunch of fucking dumbasses.

A poem by me.

It was the worst fight ever. Everyone was crowded around them at the Cove. People (really just me) were cheering, shouting and doing whatever they (I) could to further promote the fight. Cosgrove was all, "You pussy. Me better than you cause me wrestler." The other kid was like, "Confucius say, 'If I don't fight, he does not win.'" A glass cup was broken, a goth/punk/emo/whatever chick was pushed down and the other kid ACCEPTED his ass kicking. The pre- and post-fight quotes uttered by the Cos' and the other kid were hilarious. Basically, they both thought they won when neither did.






In other news, I found this little ball thingy that you can take apart into two pieces and they can be used like the coconuts in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. So I ran around yesterday after exams, you guessed it, galloping like a horse with my fake coconuts. And aparently, alot more kids than I had once thought have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

I was just reading over some of my first posts when I realized just how stupid they were. Then I got to thinking: What if I went back and Lucas'd it, and re-wrote all of those old posts and made them funny? I mean, the old posts were awful, but if I had readers, they'd be all, "What the fuck were you thinking?" And I'd be like, "This isn't a metaphor to the Star Wars series." But still, wait, what?




My DVD collection is now at 70. As of last Saturday, this was my DVD collection. Then my dad and I traded in Tomb Raider 2 and the Matrix Revolutions at Blockbuster and got the Lost Boys and Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, neither of which I had seen before, both of which turned out OK. Yesterday, we went again and they finally had the Punisher used. I was about to get that and the Michael Moore movie when, lo and behold, I saw at my feet THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. IT WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE. THANK GOD SOME POOR SAP HAS SHITTY TASTE IN MOVIES AND TRADED IN A BRAND NEW COPY.


EDIT: I just remembered that my dad borrowed Office Space, so the official count is 71. Hooray.


My Spanish teacher is a bastard. You see, I go to a private school, and my parents pay for him to teach me and prepare me for tests and exams DURING CLASS. But no, class time is reserved for soap-box speaches on how Bush is killing the enviroment. You see, we have to come to an exam review session on Sunday afternoon if we want to do well. Well I've got news for that blubbering fat piece of shit: I live an hour away from school, so a 2 hour review session in the middle of Sunday afternoon will completely spend my day. God, how I loathe that man.

Thought you kids might like to now that I now have an actual picture of me posted in my profile. Hopefully I'll update this weekend(and that's fo' real-real, not fo' play-play).

I seriously think aliens are abducting me on a regular basis

That or I cut my bruise my self in my sleep. Or some crazed midget dressed as a clown hiding in my room has been doing it. But I think I would have smelt him by now, so I can rule that idea out.

Last night I had a great dream. I was cut on the face and the scar was huge. People everywhere were like, "That cut is AWESOME." And so the Clive Dangerously face scar became the newest fad and I was popular. Of course I woke disappointed, with no facial scar the size of... something... big and still no popularity.

Oh yeah, my ex-friends noticed the fact that I was counter-ignoring them. Well look who came crawling back. FUCKERS.

Oh, and one more thing. I bought a box of White Castle burgers last night at the grocery store. The hot cashier girl was impressed. She used to live in South Dakota where White Castle burgers were like gold or porn or crack, but no one likes them here, despite the fact that they are Krystal burgers but better and with a different name. The burgers were sooooo good. I might go make some more and sell my siblings for to purchase more burgers.

Goal for this next week: learn how to travel through the internet to strangle people.

I swear if I see someone type something like *giggles* or :::dodges flying objects::: one more time I will fucking snap.

Today was the best day ever. Spanish report? Now due Monday. Bio test? Moved to Tuesday. History paper? 95. Half of my classes today? Missed to due a not-quite-as-negative-as-usual dentist visit. Thrown out of the library? Yes*. So fuck all of you trying to bring me down. That would include the nerd group at school, who seem to think that because they play Dance Dance Revolution, hang out with older nerds and are in the Steel Drum Band they are automatically cool. Guess what kids? That doesn't change the fact that YOU'RE FUCKING NERDS. Too cool for me, eh? It would seem to be the opposite. I don't play video games at all and I am sure as hell not a band geek, so why am I being shunned by the bottom of the social barrel? FUCK THEM.

Fuck diddly fuck fuck.
Fuck-a-doodle-doo.


At least I'll have a girlfriend before they... do something... nerdy, I guess.

*THERE IS NO FUN ALLOWED IN THE LIBRARY. LAUGHTER=BANISHMENT. JOY=SEVERE CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.

I got in a fight with the 'Cos tuh-day. No, not everyone's favorite Jell-O salesman, but everyone's least favorite COSGROVE. One could say he beat the ever-living shit out of me. But I kept egging him on anyways. He was all, "I'll punch you in the face!" And he hit me in the leg, to which I replied, "You missed, asshole." So he hit me again. In the arm. I reminded him that my arm is NOT my face, and I was hit again and again and again. But never in the face. Once in the stomach, but never in the face. Dumbass. And he poured coffee on me. This was all because I stole his hat. It was a shitty hat anyways (He's one of them lobotmized Georgia "Dawg" fans).



EDIT: And I suppose it never occured to them that I no longer care about their problems.

I give up. There's obviously no one left reading this shit-ass site. I quit. I'm officially becoming a goth.







Not really. Just wanted to prove I wasn't dead.

everyone sucks

When I informed my Spanish teacher of my theory on Kerry and Bush, that rat bastard said it wasn't funny. How dare I claim that his precious Kerry and the evil, nature-destroying Bush were one in the same? I'm shocked that I could do something so shameful.

Does anyone else love it how whomever someone plans on voting for is like a God who can do no wrong, yet the other candidate(s) and their respective parties are morons/poor people/smelly hippies? NEWS FLASH: Kerry may have done some bad stuff in the past, but guess what, so has Bush. And yes, Bush has told some lies in his carrer, but guess what, so has Kerry. Hence ye olde Englishe spelling of the word 'politician', poLIEticiane. It's in their resume; it's the first question: "Are you a lying sack of crap?" And if you answer no, you must be Nader. I mean, you can't be a politician. Kerry tried to get out of 'Nam ASAP and Bush dodged the drafts, but who can blame them? Bush fans make it sound like Kerry was a pussy for trying to get out, and Kerry fans make it sound like Bush's a bigger pussy for dodging altogether, but it's not like it was a fucking tea party over there. People were having there damn heads blown off and being blown to bits by little guys hiding in trees. Those guys were like fucking Ewoks of soemthing, battling the 'evil empire', which brings me to my next subject: ignorant European assholes on the internet who claim that all Americans are war-monging, gun-toting, fat-ass redneck Bush fans. I can proudly say that only one of those applies to me(guess which one?). I suppose it never occured to those Euro-bastards that, just like they aren't all womanly socialist wine-drinking cowards, not all Americans like Bush, are fat, like war, tote guns, etc. Kinda ironic, eh? Claiming we're all ignorant while showcasing their own ignorance.


I'll be back to bitch'n'moan s'more in a few hours, next time about the bastardous institution know as school.

All Of My Readers Are Dead

Kinda depressing, isn't it? No sign of life in a few weeks.

My first post sin title. That was Spanish. Spanish is great, save for Spanish homework, teachers and classes. But other than that, I love Spanish.

I've been thinking about posting some pictures of me so you can see the nerd behind the bitching and moaning.

And I think this is my 50th post, but I'm not sure because the damn post counter is lazy.

Hey kids, it's conspiracy theory time!

Remember that episode of the Simpsons(Treehouse of Horror 7: Citizen Kang) where Homer discovers that the presidential candidates have been replaced by Kang and that other alien, and that regardless of whom you vote for, the world would still be enslaved? No? Well, that's too damn bad. But anyways, what if John Kerry and George Bush are the same person? Some evil millionaire probably created the two characters, their likenesses and their backgrounds and entered the two fakes into the election. That way, when you vote for Bush, you're also voting for Kerry and therefore contributing to the downfall of human civilization. That's right- a vote for Bush or Kerry is a vote for enslavement of humanity at the hands of an evil millionaire. My conclusion? Vote for Nader. Or write in a new candidate (if possible). Hu Flung Pu for prez in 2k4!


Yes, that was lifted from Conan. So sue me. No, don't. I haven't got much money to begin with. But I can give you Ramen noodles. Who doesn't love Ramen noodles? Homeless people, college students and homeless college students everywhere LOVE Ramen noodles. And so do I, despite not falling into any of those categories.

Leave My Weekend Alone

Well, I've actually got something to complain about this time. What might that be? People planning my weekend for me. Yesterday, had to go to some poor(not financially, in case you're wondering; I said poor because he's dead) old guy's funeral to carry the cross in front of the coffin, but when my dad and I got there, someone had already stepped in to do it. So we get to go home, right? No, we have to stay and wait to see if they needed us to put the coffin into the ground. It turned out that the answer was 'no', but we had to wait an hour to find out. After that, we went to pick up my brother from that Sylvan place(not just for retards, he tells us). We got there when we were supposed to, but they weren't quite done, so we had to wait around for an hour. Fortunately, we had just enough time to stop into Barnes and Noble to buy the Dawn of the Dead on DVD, which I got to watch this morning. Anyways, we picked up my brother and went home after getting lunch for him and his girlfriend(I didn't know she was at the house, nor did I know that she had been there for more than 15 hours). Then, my dad said we had just enough time to go to the movie theater and see Shaun of the Dead, which was hysterical, and was the second high point of the day. When we got back home, we had to drive up to Rome, GA to go to the county fair. Both my dad and I agreed that it was quite lame and definitely a waste of the few hours we spent there. And the haunted house, oh, the haunted house, was horrendously lame. It was just like on that episode of the Simpsons where Bart and Lisa go into the lame haunted house. After that, we waited for my brother's girlfriend's parents to arrive and pick those two up. We got home at about 11.

This morning, I found out that my dad and I have to go to the rector or whatever from our church's house to do yard work. She's been sick for the past few weeks and her yard is quite out of shape. I'm not complaining about helping a sick woman out. I'm complaining about how not one of the deadbeats from our church could go over there and help out. That's what I hate about my church; the deadbeats. It feels like a few families are always there having to do all the work that an assload of lazy families can't find time to do. What's that? You and your husband have your hands full with your two middle-school age children? My parents have four kids, and they manage to do all the things they signed up for AND the jobs you f***ers signed up to do and couldn't. Lazy people aren't the problem. People who sign up for things they don't plan on doing are. If I were in charge, all of those people would be cast into an active volcano.



Wait a second... Mount Saint Helen. Mount St. Helen! Mister Bush! Redeem yourself NOW! This is a perfect opportunity to make America the perfect land it once had the potential to be! Kill the deadbeats for a stronger America! Cast them into the eternal fire!



All of this on top of my huge amounts of homework. Thanks a bunch.

Important Public Service Announcement

Every time you self pleasure, a kitten drops dead.

Are you responsible for the death of innocent felines? I'm not.

I just saw a great quote on IMDB

It was on the message board for the movie Volcano, which wasn't that bad. It's just that the script writers probably went on to write speeches for Bush. Anyways, the quote went:
"Come on, at least this thing had Tommy Lee Jones rolling out a map on the hood of his car. He just does not get sick of that does he?"



Well, I thought it was funny. Shut up. Don't make me shove a large metal pipe down your throat. Cause I will. And there's only three more days until my birthday, but I have yet to see a gift from any of you bastards.

My sister was all sick and stuff today. She kept crying because she was gonna miss her school's "Fall Festival". Some day she'll be glad she missed that lame-ass waste of a day. Whoop-dee-friggin'-do, you got your hair spray painted. I love her and all, but it's really no big deal. And yes, I do realize that I probably loved going to that ass-tival when I was her age.


I just realized the perfect place to go in case of a zombie invasion: a Richard Simmons "concert" or whatever they call those things where all those fat people go to lose weight(and I don't mean people like me, I mean people who could rival Jabba the Hutt or Anna Nicole Smith as the fattest, most disgusting slug ever) and listen to ol' Richie have a friggin' orgasm on stage. Anyways, my reasoning would be that chances are they'd all be slower than me(save for Mr. Simmons) and the zombies would go for the easier prey, kinda like when you get chased by a bear; don't fret as long as someone slower than you is being chased too.

The theme for the home coming dance has been announced: dress up as your favorite decade. After I finished laughing hysterically for about twenty minutes and disrupting math class, I realized the endless possibilities: Devo, Kevin Bacon from Footloose, Anthony Michael Hall(from any one of his movies; it was just the same character), Johnny Depp from A Nightmare On Elm Street(the ladies would definitely be all-up-ons), any guy from the original Degrassi, Conan The Librarian(from UHF), are you still even reading this?, Jason Voorhees, the guy from Miami Vice, for still reading this you have no friends, Timothy Dalton, Jesse from Full House(no, wait, I won't...), Bill or Ted from... Bill and Ted, Ferris Bueller...

Oh, Canada!

I just figured out how to change the theme for Mozilla(yes, I'm quite technotarted). So... I set it to, you guessed it, Oh Canada! in honor of the season premiere of Degrassi, which I will be missing tonight for a(gag)football game and be forced to watch tomorrow due to my generosity. Basically, I lent a girl my notes for a Biology paper so she could go home and make copies for herself, but she was sick today and (obviously) couldn't get the papers back to me. But whatever. AND I got a ride home from school from a junior, which nearly eclipses my date to the prom with an actual female who's actually in 11th grade. Wow.


But, I need assistance. Does anyone know how to fix the colors on my computer? Every time I open Mozilla, the colors get really funky.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Today we only went to school for two hours. And there was ZERO learning whatsoever. But it was mandatory school, so, you know, I would have prefered to not go at all. But whatever. I was still grateful for the much shortened school day.

Honest to God kids, I don't really know what to post for the rest of the... post. So I'll bang my head on the keyboard for a while.
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Don't make me eat you.

I just got back from a camping trip to a drive in theater. We saw Without A Paddle and Resident Evil 2. It was kick ass. Twice, no, thrice, no FOUR TIMES!!!!!! Sorry for another short post, but I HATE SCHOOL. I mean... I have home-I HATE SCHOOL-work. So... later... and... things, I guess. I don't know. I really, really don't know.

Play this game.

It's hella-awesome twice. And addictive. And easy.




EDIT: Okay, so maybe it isn't as easy as I said. But it is hella-awesome twice and addicitve.

Super Monkey Robot Hyperforce!!!!1!!!!1!!!!

I swear to God there's a show on right now called Super Monkey Robot Hyperforce. But it sucks because it's on Toon Disney and it's full of crap like "Of course I came, that's what friends are for!" What lies they feed these children.
I got my braces off today. But not before I saw a great chance to extract revenge on those sadistic bastards. I spewed some saliva I collected in my mouth all over that nurse. That's what you get for malpractice, bitches.
My birthday is in two weeks. If you bitches don't get me something, I keel you. No lie. You can just ask my neighbors... but oh wait, I keeled them. So you can't. Cause they dead.


Not really, of course. Gullible fart knocker. Wow, that insult sucked twice, maybe thrice.

"Is it that dumb Rasumataz song again?"

Just finished a biology paper. Eh. But today was pretty OK. I met(formally) the dorm student we are hosting at my school. He's a real cool guy. Don't know if he was impressed with me as I was with him. The first question everyone was asking my dad and I was "Does he speak any English?" and we were all, "Shut up, bitch, he speaks English better than you. Bitch."
Nah, he's supafly. And he's really smart, too. So go eat some cat barf, you dumb, flaming sack of dog crap.


Oh, and if my egotistical sister doesn't shut up about how it's her birthday(which it isn't 'til tomorrow) and we need to be nice to her, I'll make every other day of the year pure hell. What a little beotch. And I'll be damned if anyone was fooled by her obviously stuffed bra. Yeah, um, you're eleven. No eleven-year-old has boobs that big. But I didn't say anything. Maybe that's a sign of me getting maturer(Is that spelled right?). Or it's a sign of me wanting to see people stare at her and think "$200 bucks says that kid stuffs her bra."

The Punisher is awesome

...but not as awesome as me. But hey, not much is. Just... the ladies. Another uneventful week at school over. You must be thinking, "Oh, exalted one, what about Ivan, the storm whose wrath was almost as great as your level of awesomeness?" Well, you punk-ass beotches, Ivan was a little overrated. Just about every school in the state got a day or two off thanks to Ivan. But our lame-ass school didn't. Private school sucks. I mean, first we have to wear khakis every day, sometimes ties, we can't have any fun whatsoever, and then we have to come to school on incliment weather days, along with days in which Ivan is supposed to hit, yet you could practically go to the zoo while busy not learning. GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, man I hate school. And it hates me, too. And pants are overrated. That's why the ladies always try to take mine off. But they can't, because our school has a lame-ass dress code that requires los pantalones to be worn by me at all times. Ooooh, I spoke espanol. Sexy. Like me.






I think I'm the only person who was unaware that John Candy has been dead for ten years. That's the only reason I'm still mourning. Because I just didn't know. Now I've GOTTA lose weight. All the great overweight comedians are dead. John Candy, Chris Farley, that one fat guy... all the greats. Jeez cheese Louise, man.

Go see Residnet Evil 2 if you haven't already. Go rent the Punisher if you haven't already. It's a saaaaaaaaaaad movie that made me laugh, cry, laugh a little more, shout "Jeez! He kilt that Russian guy dead!", and have to take a leak.




Screw you, Ivan. You were the suckiest hurrican ever. Whoops. There I go with that sexy espanol again.

Screw you, iTunes!!!

I just did it. I defeated the man. There is now no need for me to blow $500 on an iPod. I just figured out how to put iTunes files on an MP3 player.
Eff you, Apple. I won. The only way for you to beat me is to not play. How about a nice game of tic-tac-toe?

Update'd!

I've decided to have a more positive outlook on life. This way, the week will move along quicker. so... something positive about this week... it's over. 4 weeks of school down, only about 32 weeks left. Great. I mean, Great!!!!!!!! Whatever.

Duran Duran has a new song out. It's pretty good, but somewhat sub-par to some of their other hits.

Spanish class was funny yesterday. Not because the teacher told a funny joke, but because he was so pissed off at us. He was all "Pay attention, dammit!" Well, he didn't relly say that, but he probably would have. The reason he was so pissed was because most people either got a low C(equivalent of a D) or failed altogether on a test we took a week or so ago. I got a C. But you know what? I don't really care. In the words of Ravi(another kid in that class), "Maybe he'll have a heart attack!" That or his trophy wife(no, I've never met her or seen her, but this guy has to be going through his midlife crisis, and he probably doesn't have a Mustang) leaves him. Anyways, enough of me being cynical.

Nah, I like being a cynical bastard. This past weekend, I got an IM from one of my followers. I mean, readers. JOIN MY CULT JOIN MY CULT. That really meant alot to me. I mean, someone actually cared to IM. I think I'm gonna cry now... No, wait, I'm not. But thanks anyways. If you want to see me cry, you'll need to impale with 4, count 'em, 4 pool skimmers while dangling me above a pit of sharks who haven't eaten in a week or two. Then, you might see me shed a tear. Or you could just make me watch the last 10 minutes of the movie Selena. (Why did you have to die Selena, why?) That always makes me cry.





























Look how far this thing'll go down!

hooray for lettuce

I got up a 7 this morning. Don't know why. But I think I'll do that more often. Our house('hoose', if I were Canadian) is much more awesomer when everyone is sleeping.

I was thinking. My sisters' friends are still annoying, and they still come over to the house to bother me, so why not just set out some beartraps like in My Boss's Daughter. I'd never have to deal with them again. except when I have to dispose of their bodies. So maybe I could install a high-tech security system that fires a laser at them when they come within 100 feet of our house(which works out well, because the live less than 100 feet from our house and would be garanteed to be laser'd as soon as I installed it), but I don't have enough money for that. So I'll dig a huge pit and cover it so they can't see it. When they come close, they'll fall into- a moat! That's what I need! But with no water in it. I'll ensure that they don't escape by making it really deep. So when they fall in, they'll be stuck forever. I'm so awesome.

Only one month and one day 'til I'm 14. I've already planned my birthday out. My dad, a few friends and I are all going to go see Shaun of the Dead. And then we'll go do something else. And they'll give me presents. And it'll be GREAT.

I'm not going to bother talking about school, seeing as it was exactly the same as the previous two weeks of school. Crappy. So why bother? My point exactly.

Free iPods? No, free children.

I used to wonder why Germans worshipped David Hasselhoff. Now I know, thanks to the EuroTrip Soundtrack. Oh, by the way, my friend Doug brought his portable DVD player on the bus yesterday and we watched EuroTrip. Without a doubt the best bus ride ever. I mean, it could only have been better if Cosgrove had drank a big can of SHUT THE HELL UP. God, he's annoying. If he ever bothers Sarah again, I'm gonna eat him for breakfast. And, seeing as I'm a fat kid, you can quote me on that. Same thing goes for those two eleventh graders(this clown and his gay partner) who keep insisting that I should 'do' Sarah. Sorry you guys don't have the ability to come within 10 feet of a girl without falling over from all the pressure, but some of us are actually respected by women(a rare achievement for a nerd like me) and don't plan on changing that. Besides, I have no interest in eating a cat(if you catch my drift...). So there you have it. I lied. I did complain about school. Well, maybe just 3 of the bastards at school, but whatever. Bye. And whatnot.

Sorry for the redundant post.

That second to last post appeared to have not been posted, but in fact posted 9 times. Sorry.

Here's a fun fact:......you made out with your sister, man!

After months of waiting, I finally got the EuroTrip soundtrack. Kickass.





School still sucks. Weekends are still too short. Still weighted down with home(busy)work.My duct tape flipflops still kick ass. Pretty much nothing has changed. Please IM me if I'm on. I'm effing bored out of my mind.

Sorry for the short post. I've gotta prepare for an in class essay in English class tomorrow on the book All But My Life. It's good, but I know I'd like it more if I wasn't being tested on it(by the way, I made a 90 on that test. I expected somewhere around a 75). But do yourself a favor and read it.

(Insert humorous post title here)

Ah, another shitty week at school has passed. Spent, no, wasted last night at the football game. I would have loved to spend Friday night sitting on my ass, doing nothing, but rarely do things turn out the way you want them to. It was somewhat fun, seeing as no one was actually watching the game(psssst.... don't tell anyone, but the other time mopped the floor with our team). Last year, it was all, "Shut up, I'm watching the game." But now that I'm in high school, anyone who actually cares about football is on the sidelines or on the field. After the game was the school's delayed Back to School Bash, or, as my dad called it, Back to School Ass. It was terribly lame. I'm glad I only stayed for 5 minutes.


New season of Degrassi on October 1! Degrassi Season 1 on DVD in one month! Hooray! Resident Evil 2 comes out next week! Well, I think I'm done for now. See you next week.

Don't Worry, I Won't Sell Out Anytime Soon

In case you didn't see the blogger homepage thing, they are now offering a service to pay bloggers for putting ads in their blogs. Let's face it. Only idiots believe the scams advertised on the internet. And ads are hella annoying. So there'll be no ads here. The superior intelectual abilities of my blog's readers is beyond that. None of you clowns would click on the ads. And I have a cluttered website and zero extra cash. School still sucks. And I get hardly anytime to hang out with my parents. Yes. There truly is a teenager who actually wants to talk to his parents. But he can't, because of school. When I'm really screwed up as an adult, I'll blame school and its prevention of me talking to my parents. But there were free snow cones at school today, so a fat-ass such as I was quite satisfied by that.

School Sucks

This was the longest week ever. School was heinous like a fat man's anus. Fortunately, my fellow nerds and I all have the same lunch period. Hooray for nerds. Speaking of which, my friend Doug and I are officially school newspaper nerds. But that lucky bastard's article for this month can no longer be written, seeing as the football game was rained out. Which I liked, because it combined two of my most favorite things:rain and not football, which basically covers everything.
I started wrighting a story. It's pretty good, but maybe a little too slow. I'll get around to posting it soon. Anyways, I promised I'd disclose my true identity in this post. Well, I lied. But I will tell you my real NICKNAME. It's "The Ryan". Oh, and if you go to my school, be prepared, for on Monday morning, I will start talking in the third person. or should I say, "The Ryan will start talking in the third person." Huzzah.



You can call me "El Diego" if you like that better.

New gimmick!

Tune in next week for the thing you've all been waiting for.... drumroll please... no, I'm not going to start being funny...... I'm going to reveal my true identity. You get return from the edge of your seats now. And yes, that was stolen from a Strong Bad E-Mail.

Damn you, Blockbuster!!!!

The other night, I won a prize off of the cap from a Sprite bottle. The prize? A free Blockbuster Favorites rental. After I got a haircut today, my mom and I were waiting for the pizza we ordered(to go), and I "coincidentally" had the cap. We decided to go into Shlockbuster and get a movie. I knew that the number of "Favorites" movies wasn't huge, but I expected at least a few. My mom and I looked for 45 minutes. And didn't find a single one. What a great prize. Thanks, you corporate bastards. Be aware of the large packages you'll be recieving in the mail soon. They contain bear traps.* What kind of contest has no prizes? Not a good one, I'll tell you that.


*Please note that that was me being ficticious. I don't have any bear traps.

I hate my sister's friends

Ever since we moved into our new house, my sisters have been behaving differently. Their new friends have quite radical attitudes and behavior. One of my sisters has started mouthing off to my mom. She's 10. She NEVER had an attitude before meeting these kids. They now show ZERO respect for anyone else's property, and waste stuff off the wazoo(What a great word. Wazoo!). They're always leaving food all over the place along with dishes and wrappers(Not like Jay-Z or Snoop Doggy McDogDog, you twat.)
Well, today, when my mom was out and I was watching my sisters after they got back form school, they brought the ring leader of their friends over. I figured that since I technically was in charge, I'd say they weren't allowed to have friends over until mom got back. They fought and fought and finally just ended the conversation and kept the friend over. Well, a perfect opportunity came up to make her leave when she began to use words my sisters really didn't need to know(I don't care how liberal a person you are, no nine and ten year olds should know what humping is). I told her to shape up or leave. Know what she said back to me? "You're not the boss of me. You can't tell me what to do!" I was all, "You bet your ass I'm the boss of you when you're at MY house, BITCH!"
Well, I didn't REALLY say that, but I would have. But I told since I was babysitting, my words were law. And my words were Quit saying 'hump'. Know what she did? She started chanting "Hump, hump, hump, hump!" It seemed like the fact that I was the master of this domain had no effect on her. I reminded her again of this, and she said that if she called up her mom and asked her whom was incharge of her when at my house, her mom would say 'Sarah(the friend, in case you were confused)'. Ooooh, man that pissed me off.
We some how later got to the subject of my DVD's. They made fun of Eurotrip. Big mistake. I was all "That's a classic movie beeotch, and when you turn 18, you're watching it." They wanted to know why I had seen it when I was only 13, and they couldn't see it until they were 18(Oh, so now they want to watch Eurotrip, eh?). I explained to them that the movie was unrated. That wise-ass friend of their's whiped out her fresh attitude and asked "Do you like iut because it has boobies in it?" I replied by saying(yes, I know this was a little out of hand) that that's what boys liked to watch. She got offended and whipped out her "You dirty pig!" attitude. Feminazi. My sister's in for a nasty suprise when her friend's feminism turns into lesbianism and finds out that that bra burner(And believe me, you don't want to see her in anything more revealing than an eskimo suit.) just wants to get in bed with her.
But I never said that.

Jimmy and the Giant Pear

I don't care what anyone says. Roald Dahl stole the concept for James and the Giant Peach from me. That euro-Bastard. Here was the original story, which can only be found here. Read the first comment.

Squirrel Name Generator

Saw this at one of the forums I frequent. The Squirrel Name Generator. I'm Lieutenant McBush.
One of my friends and I are planning to go see Harold and Kumar this weekend, but I don't know if that will work out. If it does, we're gonna go buy the Eurotrip soundtrack afterwards, cause it's awesome. Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know....
Sorry. Anyways, school is starting very soon, and school is gonna suck the big one. Even more than usual. But hey, maybe I'll get Kill Bill Vol. 2 on DVD and everything will be ALL better. Nah, it wouldn't be all better until I got Dawn of the Dead on DVD this October. Then everything would be JUST PEACHY.



Whadda Ya Know, Haddi-Man?

My dad is incredibly unselfish...

But he doesn't always think about what will happen because of his decisions.

Today, I learned that he agreed to be a "parent" for one of the boarding students at the private school. Basically, every once in a while, this boy or girl(I'm assuming it's a boy, but I could be wrong) will visit our house for the weekend. My parents will come to any games he plays in at school. Make him cookies every once in a while. Make him feel at home. What's the problem, you might ask? We live 60 miles from the school. My parents can barely make it to all of my chorus concerts(don't ask) and my brother and I's games. But now, they'll be adding another kid to this list. For four years. So in about two years, my folks will have to attend FIVE DIFFERENT KIDS' CONCERTS, GAMES, RECITALS, WHATEVER. SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS. Anyways, I'm well aware that my dad was just trying to do the right thing, but he obviously didn't look into this whole "Rome parent" thing before signing up for it.

Be prepared for a huge culture clash.

But it will be somewhat interesting. I've never met an Islamic person before. Maybe it won't be all that bad. I just hope the guy's nice. And that I don't say anything insensitive.

Idea for a great new movie

Okay... so the continuing battle between robots and pirates rages on as the astronauts search for the key that will switch off the robots. Meanwhile, in Sweden, a bad-ass black woman walks around killing Communists in cahoots with old people plotting world domination via a giant laser that shoots laser-fied posion from outer space. Every time she kills one of her foes, she loudly exclaims "Kaboom, bitch!" But the communists have another weapon: the evil videotape that whenever you watch it, you turn into Rosie O'Donnell. But seeing as no one watches videos anymore, only DVD's, the plan to amass an army of obese lesbian women has failed. Meanwhile, Adam Sandler falls in love with a girl from Japan named Cookie, who turns out to be a deranged transvestite from Bulgaria on a mission to kill the bad-ass black woman in Sweden, who has the key to stopping the robots. Hilarity ensues. Sandler dies. The pirates win. The bad-ass black woman kills the deranged Bulgarian transvestite, but doesn't say "Kaboom, bitch!", which means the curse has been broken. But first, she must return the key to the mystical Temple of Bad Shit in Egypt so the Robots never return. But on her way there, she meets up with Rob Schneider, who has been transformed into a vial containing a rare disease that will make all of the worlds water supply turn into a liquid worse than any poison; Diet Coke with Lemon. The Commies and Geezers want their hands on the disease but a male Lebanese vetrinarian who also happens to be a world-class chef tags along to provide his assistance with the task of slaying Kathie Lee Gifford...

I've said it before and I'll say it again...

Eurotrip is kick ass. That movie is even funnier the third time around. I bought it on DVD, along with the first Kill Bill and Ferris Bueller. All of those movies are classic.

Okay, I'd like to apologize for something... Yes. I know the goth song sucks. but doesn't it honestly look like one-hit-wonder material? I mean, it's one of those songs that people go out and buy the CD for after hearing it on the radio, the they listen to the CD, and they're all, "Dude, this CD sucks." If each CD costs $15, I'd be rich. Especially if I produced and did all that other good stuff.

Recently I've gotten a new-found respect for Moby. And techno/electronic music in general. iTunes has 72 streaming electronic radio stations. Absolutely free. Does that not kick ass? It does. Now visit this website. That's just awesome. It blew me away when I first saw it. I'm still recovering after that first time I saw it and I was launched away from my computer and my head went through the T.V. The explosion could be seen for miles. Of course that's false.
The explosion could only be seen for one mile.

I'd like to vent about something. What is that thing? Wasting summer. Adults seem to have forgotten what summer was like as children. I know we kids are annoying as hell, but that doesn't mean that they can just flush our vacations down the toilet. I don't want to read over the summer. I don't want to write a paper over the summer. I don't want to paint the Sunday School room over the summer (I would have if they had used my idea. It was a serious one. Basically, everyone who showed up would get their own section to paint. The could paint whatever they wanted that would represent what they like. But no, that was rejected by someone who wanted to paint the room te most obnoxious color ever.) Do parents not remember what it was like to not have to think about math and history for 3 months? The best three months out of the year, when you can just do whatever? When the man isn't deciding what you have to do? Thanks, adults, for taking away yet another thing kids look forward to. What's next- educational T.V.(Oh, wait a tick...)?

The Goth Song

I wrote this on a napkin at NBA city Orlando. Someday, it'll make me rich:
(Heavy Metal music in background. Or a tune pilfered from a Marilyn Manson song.)
Blood drips from my orfaces
I hope everybody dies
Nothing rhymes with orfaces
This fact makes me cries

I hate the world
I hate the people too
Except for Pam Anderson
Dude, her boobs are huge

We all die in the end
That sucks
Don't stick a hamster up your butt
He might get stuck

When I learn to drive
I'll run kids over
Old people, too
That would be cool

Dude, why would you put
A hamster in your ass?
That's freaking...
What if it...(words crossed out) nevermind

Life sucks
Just like that guy
I saw him on TV
He sucked

Flowers, bunnies, and puppies
Are great
Specially when you throw them
Into a wood chipper



Dude, when you see me on MTV17, be like, I read that years ago! It's Guy McAwesome! I KNOW HIM!

Celebrate this holiday or I'll stick your face in a pile of dog vomit.

Visit this site or I'll... do... something... not good. Now, after visiting that site, you must begin preparing for international "Talk Like A Pirate Day". And if you've got a website, link to that website soall your readers will see it. Everyone has to know about Talk Like A Pirate Day.

You know what sucks more than having to go back to school in one week? Wasting my last Saturday of summer at orientation. That's the shit, man. I don't care what anyone say, high school's gonna suck the big one. Like, it'll suck more than regular school. And regular school sucks alot.

Is this not awesome? If you said no, you're wrong. Because it is.

This is a good website. See if you can find my posts. You won't, but try anyways. Also try their sister/brother/whatever site. It's cool.

Only one week left of summer.

Well, that sucks. But I did find two old, great CD's of mine: Running With Scissors by Weird Al and The Very best Of Dr. Demento. They're both awesome. I've never been able to find Dr. Demento's radio show. I know it's on late at night, an on an AM station, but I can never find it. Anyone know where I can find it?

Oh, and in case you were worried, I didn't really set my face on fire. But I did put my leg on the open grill. It felt awesome. seriously though, I don't condone masochism or however it's spelled. Remember kids, never take your anger out on your body. Take it out on someone else's. ZIIIING!

It looks as if I'm back to having no one read my blog....

...so I'll have to do something to get attention. How about... lighting my face on fire?

I'll have pictures up later.

Paris Hilton Sex Tape on IMDB

According to the IMDb; the Paris Hilton Sex Tape's real name is "One Night in Paris" and only got a 4.9 out of 10. The only movies that are allowed to get a score that low are horror movie sequels, Steven Segal movie, and Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. I just thought it was funny that people wouldn't stop talking about this for a while and paid big bucks to see it, only to realize it sucks.


OK guys. I've got a question. If I posted the address of my orthodontist, would you mail him an anonymous package containing a pile of dog shit for me? Because that would be freakin' awesome.
OK bye.

Site Counter

I'm testing to see if my new site counter works.

White Trash Neighbors

Man, have we got white trash neighbors or what? They had a broken down limo parked infront of their house for about a week. It disapeared for a while, and now it's back again. Keep in mind that I live in a rich snob neighborhood. But it's all good. One of our cats was sleeping on the limo, and the other pissed on it. These rednecks have a couch and T.V. in their garage that get used often. Why is this a problem, you ask? They open the garage door whilst doing this, and drink beer. Alot of it. Their teenage son, too. He got kicked out of high school. A public one. It takes a good bit of effort to get kicked out of public school. But brawling with a teacher apparently does the trick. This kid also walks around wearin g camoflauge and shooting things with a paintball gun. The police get called pretty often because of the parents' constant fighting. Drunken fighting. and this was supposed to be the best street to live on. Pffft. Yeah, right.

Ever been to Making Fiends? It's about these second graders. One is like the daughter of Satan and is constantly trying to do in this other girl, who is totally oblivious to everything going on. It's great.

The Ragin' Cajun

Lately, I've had alot of alone time, which I've spent thinking. What was I thinking about? The fact that I will never have a girlfriend. But I'm cool with that. Infact, screw the ladies. They don't deserve me. If they can't see just how sexy I am, too bad for them. I'll be a bachelor forever. I can come home after work and just hang out when I'm an adult. I'd be a shitty dad anyways.
When I went to Blockbuster today, I forgot my collection of shitty movies to trade in. But I guess I'll try to remember them next time. My dad, brother and I spent 30 more minutes at Blockbuster than we should have, all thanks to someone under 5 feet tall at my house (not my mom, one of my sisters, but neither will admit to it) had Chasing Liberty out for over a month. Despite the bill in excess of $30, it works out great as a victory for me. Neither of my sisters is allowed to rent a movie ever again. And The Usual Suspects is a great movie. HellBoy was good, too.
If you have an extra five bucks lying around, rent HellBoy and watch the introduction on Disc 1. Is that guy fat or what? Henceforth, I won't use the word 'fat' to describe overweight people. I will use 'Guillermo' or 'Guillermo del Toro' for short. For shizzle .

Another reader? Shwiiiiiing!

Wow, another member. Awesome. Well, in other news(yes, I've already gotten over my newest reader, Alec), I dumped the ever-shitty Internet Explorer and now use Mozilla instead. Hoorai. Not hooray. Something this momentus calls for a Japanese celebration. Mo has fixed all the damage my sisters did to my computer. I haven't seen a single pop-up since I got it.
Anyways, Summer is almost over. Damn. Where's the Dammit Doll* when you need it? Well, my dad is going to take me to Blockbuster tonight and we're gonna rent Hellboy. I might buy The Last Samurai, too (one of the few films I saw twice in theaters, almost three times). I won't buy Kill Bill till the second one comes out because they might make some collector's edition with the movies combined into one.

*The Dammit Doll is a doll my grandmother had when I was little. When you were angry, you'd pick up the Dammit Doll and hit stuff with it and shout "DAMMIT!" at the top of your lungs. My brother and I would take it and hit each other shouting "Dammit!" for hours and laugh hysterically. I was about 5 and he was 7.

Strange things are afoot at the circle k...

My best firend is moving. That sucks. So much for our plans to time travel with George Carlin in a phone booth. Or go to New York on an overgrown peach. Peaches suck anyways. But that would still kick ass. I realize that I just posted one hour or so ago, but I felt like posting again.
I've decided on my future career. Everyone in my family thinks I'll be a comedian, or actor, or even writer for movies or t.V. shows. But, just so I can give them what's for, I'll be an accountant. Huttzah! I win!
Or I could open a museum of the paranormal. Like the copy of Scary Movie 3 I obtained from Blockbuster... that was fullscreen! It was marked as widescreen, but it was full screen. Bizarre. Or... paranormal?

Actors Playing Amish People In The City

So, last night, I was channel surfing, trying to find something good on. I passed by UPN. They were airing the series premiere of Amish in the City. I decided to watch. It was like that time that herd of squirrels ripped out my eyes to feed their young. Like the title of this post says, the 'Amish' people weren't very convincing. Come on, guys, they know about our technology, just choose not to use it. And, of course, to  add to the 'drama', they threw in some city folk(a couple of gay guys hitting on each other, an ugly vegetarian who eats no dairy or eggs either, and this loud black chick) and essentially ruined the show. But fortunately, Family Guy is now on TBS at 8:00. At least on Wednesdays. And my cousin is gone.
Right now listening to Combat Baby by Metric. It's pretty good. and I'm still not a goth.
 
But watch this movie trailer. I had heard rumors of this film being made, but I didn't believe it. I hope the DVD comes out by my birthday next year! http://trimeg.bayair.net/trailer.asp

If I bled nickels, I'd be a cutter

PLEASE NOTE: THERE IS MORE THAN JUST THIS LIST OF MOVIES. ACTUAL CONTENT BELOW!

I collect DVD's for fun. It truly is. I'm currently nearing the 50 DVD's mark, and when I do, I'll go out and buy some more movies. Currently, I've got:
Dr. No
From Russia With Love
Goldfinger
Thunderball
You Only Live Twice
On Her Majesty's Secret Service
Diamonds are Forever
Live And Let Die
The Man With The Golden Gun
Monty Python and the Holy Grail('temporarily' being borrowed by Jeff...SINCE EARLY MAY)
The Spy Who Loved Me
Moonraker
For Your Eyes Only
Stripes
Octopussy(fun to say)
The Terminator
A Nightmare On Elm Street
A View To A Kill
The Living Daylights
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
Licence To Kill
UHF
Patriot Games
Goldeneye
Tommy Boy
tomorrow Never Dies
Austin Powers:The Spy Who Shagged Me
The World Is Not Enough
X-Men 1.5
28 Days Later
Die Another Day
Goldmember
Ice Age
Lilo&Stitch(not really mine)
Minority Report
Mr. Deeds
Panic Room
Spiderman
Bruce Almighty
Dickie Roberts:Former Child Star
Freddy Versus Jason
The Matrix Revolutions(planning on exchanging it)
Tomb Raider:The Cradle of Life(same)
The Italian Job
Chappelle's Show Season 1
X2
Scary Movie 3

Movies I hope to get:
Dawn Of The Dead(the new one)
Mortal Kombat
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Back To The Future 1,2,&3
T3: Rise of the Machines
Sixteen Candles
The Faculty
maybe Jimmy Neutron(it was pretty good for a Nickelodeon movie)


So.... Now on to the part you may potentially care about:
I've spent the past two weeks out of town "hanging out" with my cousin. He is about 2 1/2 years younger than me. We used to be very similar in tastes, but now that I'm almost 14, we don't have the same interests. He doesn't seem to notice. He follows me around and I just can't shake him off. He only watches SpongeBob. I watch VH1 religiously(ded I spel tat riet? gud). The worst part is, I've got another week with him. I can't do any of the things I like. AAAAARRRRRGgHHHH. He's driving me nuts. Please help. I can't stand to hear him repeat something blatantly obvious again. Or hearing him assume that all I ever think about is James Bond. Am I really that one dimensional?

Awesome in my own not-awesome kind of way

I saw the movie Dodgeball. It was great. Anyways, after a break from blogging(on a vacation I wasn't warned about), I have returned.... to discover I have a reader! YES! MY PATHETIC LIFE HAS BEEN FUFILLED! I SPELLED FUFILLED WRONG! I CAN'T SPELL FOR BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEANS!

Thank you, Ric. Rick. Richie. Richard. Whatever. Thank you. Now, I'm off on another un-announced vacation(for 2 weeks), and when I get back, I'd better have a few more readers. For all of your sakes.

Songs About Robots

I was recently listening to my favorite song, which NONE of you have ever heard, called "Electric Barbarella" by Duran Duran, when I began to wonder; is it about a guy who buys a robot, or a guy who buys a blow-up doll? I mean, it could go either way. I was also wondering, should it be removed from the "Songs about Robots" playlist, which includes Mr.Roboto, Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, and Machinehead? Voice your opinions in a comment. No, wait, don't. Your opinion means nothing. That means you too, poser.


Now visit this website, dammit: http://www.maddox.xmission.com . Did you? I'm waiting. I can wait here all day; I'm in no hurry.

Not a goth.

It has recently come to my attentiom that I sound like a goth or a punk or skater in my posts. I'm not. Because I'm not some lame poser who can't get any. I'm just a regular lame guy who can't get any. There is a difference.

The door is closed for a reason, a-hole

I'll admit it. I'm a hermit.
I prefer being alone in my room. But no one else seems to like my being a hermit. My siblings and their friends(whom are children of the devil, very loud, and have begun multiplying) are constantly coming in my room and trying to get on my computer. This wouldn't be a problem were it not for 2 things; (1) The lock on my door can be unlucked from the other side(what genius came up with that idea?) and (2) my room is connected to my brother's room by a bathroom, and I can't lock him out of a bathroom that's half his. That reminds me. The PS2 is half mine. I don't really want to play it, but I don't want you to play it either.

Orthodontia= The Lost Dark Art?

Currently listening to "So Far So Good" by Thornley. It's a decent song. Besides, it was free. iTunes is awesome.


Anyways, there's really nothing to write about. Except, of course, for my orthodontist, the Spawn of Satan. My teeth are fine, dipshat. Noone will notice all of those tiny gaps. And if you make me wear those rubberbands on my braces again, I'll bite your effing hand off and feed it to my dog. Go choke on a hot dog. Bastard. I'll pry my braces off with some pliers if it means my parents never have to put cash in your pockets again.

Before the cream sits out too long...

Well last night, my brother and friend(from the post before this) and I watched Eurotrip. It was a great movie. I suggest renting it. But do your self a favor and get the rated version if you're not into seeing fat old guys' packages. After that, we went outside(it was about 12:15). But I decided to follow my gut instinct, as I had heard what happened last time they went outside after midnight, and believe me, I have ZERO interest in shiting on a picnic table. So I tell them I want to go home and go to bed. After seeing so many episodes of The Cosby Show, Saved By The Bell, and Full House where people are rewarded for using good judgement, I expected them to be cool with that. I mean, I'm a really uptight guy, and it would seem normal for an uptight guy to be worried about lighting things on fire and drinking out of non-alcoholic beer cans on a country club golf course at 12:30 am. But no, that makes me a giiiirl. I mean, I actually plan on having a future, and the last thing I need is to be dropped off by the police at m,y house after midnight when I'm supposed to be sleeping over at a friends house.
So at about 1, I finally go home. But the front door is locked, and I don't want to wake up my mom and sisters with the garage door. Fortunately, the basement door was open and I didn't have to return to my brother and face more ridicule. Great friends, eh?

So, how's about visiting a web site for me? Go to http://www.homestarrunner.com . Man, it's hilarious. Goddnight.

Back

Well, after a minor break, I've returned. And I still have no readers. But anyways, on to business.
Instead of the usual complaints, I'll tell you a funny story. A magical tale that will make you lose all hope in the children, and the "future" they'll soon be, not to mention humanity as a whole. My grade(rising ninth graders)'s "hottest" couple broke up tonight. Why did the two teens who seemed to have been made for each other break up? Because the guy went over to a friend's house, signed on AIM and left his password saved. So what does this friend's friend/my brother do? Sign on and have a little talk with the other half of the relationship. My brother then breaks up with the girl, allowing my friend to call up this girl and ask her out. And they're going out on a date tomorrow. No names were mentioned as to save my skin and the skin of the other two people involved. Remember, I'm Guy McAwesome, not (real name omitted).

Ever wonder?(competitive swimming)

Okay, so you wear some really tight, skimpy speedo, jump off a block and into a pool and swim down to the other end. Then you swim back. And end right where you started. Why bother? What's the point? What've you accomplished? You've wasted some energy, but at the end of the day you realize you've gone NOWHERE. Even if you only swim DOWN, and not BACK to where you started, it would've been easier to just walk to the other side. Maybe I just feel this way because I SUCK so bad at swimming.

Now that I'm done with that, I want to ask you a favor. Visit: http://www.capalert.com. Find the movie analyses and read a few. They're pretty funny. In case you didn't feel like visiting it, it's basically some extremely conservative Christian nit-picking about recent movies and telling extremely conservative Christian parents why they shouldn't let their kids see movies. Anyone else not remember a lava-death in Lilo and Stitch? Or Satanic symbols in the Recess movie? I don't, but maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

One more ting! (yes, that says ting, like that guy on jackie chan adventures)

I recently had gum surgery and my gums hurt like hell! and nothing helps! and i think all this medicine is making me sick! woo-hoo! and some of the people on this site are effed up.

New Buh-Log!

Wow it's my very first blog. Isn't that special. It's 2:30 a.m. and frankly, I don't feel like complaining about anything currently. But, I'll think up something anyways...
MY OLDER BROTHER. Dude, he is really annoying. He finds something wrong with everything I say or do. He also seems to be a bit bipolar. One minute he's saying "fag" or "retard" 200 times in one sentence, and then the next thing you know, he's acting politically correct. "Oh, everyone is free to have their own opinion and just 'do their thing'... You're stupid. Why do you like Weird Al? That makes you DUMB! You're a nerd."
Stupid jock... always raining on my parade. Well this is "Guy"... leaving, but not going to bed (and they say teenagers need sleep...). Bye.