Clive Dangerously's Wacky Investigative Journalism Adventure

A few years back, the high school I would be going to right now was declared the drug capital of my county. Of course, I needed to see this for myself. Here are the transcripts of a few scenes from my day:

(outside of locker room)
Clive: So are you on the football team?
"Bobby":Uh, ye-, uh, yes, yes sir, I am.
CD: Is that real football or American Football?
"B": FOOTBALL FOOTBALL
CD: No kidding. I hear your school is the drug capital of ****** County. Care to shed light on the subject?
"B":Duh, Coach give me heroin buhfo' games and I take a wacky tabaccy wiff [star cheerleader] dern lunch.
CD: Impress-
"B": I touch her boobies one time, huh huh.
CD: Wow.

(outside a classroom, bell rings and students walk out)
CD: Well, you look like a fine, upstanding student.
Nerd: Yes, I'm president of the chess, math, science and Latin clubs.
CD: What are your views on the drug problem here?
N:Oh, it's great. Our Honor Society meetings were a bore until we were introduced to coke. Now everyone tries to get good grades so the bouncer will let them in. One time a meeting went to 4 in the morning.
CD: This is frigthening.
N: No, it was great. Me and the President of the Glee Club-
CD: "Me and the president of the Glee Club"?
N: Hey, you can shove it ASSHOLE.
(Clive whomps Nerd with mind powers)

(In hallway)
CD: And what is your role in the drug trade?
Dealer: Hehe, I'm your source for the finest herb in the state. If you're low, come to me and I'll get you high as a kite.
CD: Is there a lot of competition?
Dealer: Don't tell anyone, but all of my "competition" are actually employed by me. So everyone trying to fight "The Man" is still supporting me.
CD: Now I notice you're a bit older looking than the rest of the students. What're you, a seventh year Senior?
Dealer: Nah, I'm the principal. PriciPAL, as in, I'm your bud who'll get ya some high quality buds.
CD: Nice.


So those were the highlights. Next week, investigation of ******* Elementary School, drunken sex capital of the South Eastern United States.