Crive Dangerousry's Guide to Music, 2006

Currently Listening To: Nausea by Beck (I'm just oozing with musical snobbish-ness!)
There's a lot of bad music out there these days, all seeking to be the worst of the worst. I'm here to save the day by telling you, the mindless sheep of Amurica, what to listen to. And if you don't, I will have my henchman Dario carve out your heart and force you to watch it beat for the last time. Then I will eat it.

1. That crappy Hinder song, Hinder: Wow, this song is pure crap. It's like a ripoff of, say, Nickelback, and they suck huge dill. When you rip off someone who sucks, you pretty much swallow. I wish you could hear me do the impression of the Hinder/Nickelback singer. According to me, it's fucking hysterical. And I'm not entirely sure why girls like this song. Sure, his devovtion to his chick is romantic, but his devotion to his official chick? Eh... And what makes these whiny teenage girls who have never experienced true romantic love think that they'll be the first girl?
2. Welcome to the Black Parade, My Chemical Romance: Where to start, where to start... How about the start of the song, undoubtedly the worst part. Okay, so we got this whiny guy crooning about his dad... They go to a parade... "Will you be the savior to the broken and damned (or something)?" and then he's talking to some chick... I really don't see how they all fit. They kind of forget about the parade. And why is dad talking to his obviously young boy about what he HAS to do after he dies? No wonder they're an emo band, which leads me to my second point; since when were emos "the broken, the beaten and the damned"? They're broken because they delight in their own pain, beaten because they suck and damned because they suck. The only salvation they need is abrick to the head and some intensive emo-lifestyle deprivation. Third of all, whatever happened to the parade? They talk about going to a parade and that's it. Why couldn't they have gone to a ballgame? A Broadway show? A donkey show? Was parade picked because "Black Parade" sounds deep and emotional? ...Oh. I see. He thinks he is Jesus. Can I crucify him?
3. SexyBack, Justin Timberlake: Thank you, Justin, for bringing sexy back. I was starting to seriously miss it.
4. London Bridge, Fergie: I'm doubtful as to whether or not someone actually wants to go down her Londy-Londy, wanna go down her Londy-Londy... I heard she was a meth head. Even if she's dunzo, still.
5. Chain Hang Low, Jibbs: I'm sorry, I can't type any more. Hearing tihs snog hsa gvien m,,,e a labatamy ../fgdfg/.,fgbh/,fgb

Buy this crap and you'll be the coolest of the cool, I promise!