You Know What We Really Need?

ANOTHER INSPIRATIONAL SPORTS MOVIE.

That's why I was relieved when I saw the commercial for Cinderella Man. All I know is that it has Russell Crowe doing what he does best: fighting. Boxing, to be specific. I couldn't help but think, "Good, it's been a long time since we had an inspirational boxing movie. I mean, it's been, what, six months since that one with the chick from The Core who looks like a guy?" The only thing I like more than a long ass inspirational underdog boxing movie is an inspirational high school sports story where a new, unconventional coach comes in and unites the players and shows them how good they can be, because I can never see the ending coming. Every time I'm like, "WOW! Who would have guessed that one player dies and the team wins the big championship?" Honestly, are we as Americans so stupid that our heroes ALWAYS have to succeed at the end of a movie? And in sports movies where they don't win, they're like, "Well at least we had fun." NO. That was your only chance at a future and you blew it. YOU SHOULD BE CRYING BECAUSE DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU KNOW THAT IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TOM MORE THAN THE CAPTAIN OF A VARSITY SPORTS TEAM. DAMNIT. I'M SO ANGRY. For once I just want to see a hero say, "Damn. I failed," and then have no chance of ever redeeming himself. He loses in the finals and then has to bag groceries until his lonely demise, or he cuts the wrong wire and the terrorists win. Or he gets his badge taken away and becomes a drunk. Or his charming smile DOESN'T get him the girl. WHY DO WE NEED TO SEE PEOPLE BETTER LOOKING AND WEALTHIER THAN US SUCCEED? That's why I liked the one where the prisoners had an uprising and then at the end the leader gets shot and the guards are like, "Back to work, mother fucker." Actually, I didn't like that one. But the ending was good because I knew that people left the theater and were like, "Why did I even watch that if that entire two hours was for nothing?" And I say, "That's what you get for buying into Robert Redford's charm. So there!"