Greatest Foes Of All Time

Currently Listening To: Tony the Beat by the SoundsOVER AND OVER AGAIN
My dad, in his infinite fortune cookie-like wisdom, has always advised me against having enemies. I love my dad, but sometimes I refuse to take his advice, in this case because sometimes I love the feeling of antagonizing and being antagonized by these people.

Anyways, when I was younger, I used to think about how I could turn my personal, not-terribly-eventful life into a great epic tale. Basically, this is done by imagining anyone who has ever been some sort of foe into a videogame boss-type character.

• The number one person, since I first envisioned this epic tale, was BOB. Who is BOB? BOB was my bus driver in sixth and seventh grade. Any story I told those two years somehow involved BOB. Whether he was crashing the bus, which in turn caused some sort of bizarre seatbelt injury to me that potentially could have killed me (I told this one a lot; "I'm going to die before I'm 21!"), or he was telling the principal Douglas had his head out the bus window (which he never did; his head was in the aisle, which BOB said violated some unwritten rule), or he was accusing people (me) of making farm animal noises (which isn't against any rule, even though I wasn't doing it), or telling people not to tap their cans (because he thinks it's the bus), BOB always was up to something. For this, he tops my list.
• Number two is more recent, and probably would get off knowing he made 'the list': Chad. I really have nothing but contempt for him. The story with him is more blurry than BOB's. I couldn't really tell you the first time I met him. I had heard countless stories from plenty of sources about his nefarious deeds, but hadn't experienced anything myself. There was one incident in which I think I met him, but from what he later told me, that wouldn't make sense that he was there. The earliest time I know for a fact I encountered him, he was a total douche. Claire and I were sitting together at the musical, and he came up, completely ignoring His Royal Highness, and began talking to her. I took great offense to this (he didn't even bother to introduce himself) and took it upon myself to return the favor. Clint and I made a xanga about him, which he responded to by threatening to call the school (looking back, it was really a weak response, but I fell for it, all bullshit aside). I ignored him for a decent period of time, until he somehow started talking to me again, completely ignoring what had happened six months before. I pissed him off, which resulted in another period of time in which I recieved more than a thousand garbage text messages (in a petty attempt to flood my inbox and raise my bill) and several tearful voicemails. Fortunately, I'm an insensitive bastard, so this pandering had no effect--at all--on me. And he keyed Matt's car, had someone videotape him doing it, and danced around like a little bitch while doing it. That's all the reason I really need.
• Third is Zach. He held my chemistry book hostage for a good six months. The entire time, it was ten feet away and I had no idea.
• Fourth is Dekker, the night DJ on 99x. One time he was taking requests and this one kid wanted Motion City Soundtrack, but didn't know the name of the song, so he made him sing it. The kid did--poorly--and then Dekker didn't play it. I called in and told Dekker he was an asshole, he should go fuck himself and then he should do the world a favor and jump in front of a fucking bus. He said some other stuff I didn't really listen to, and then I hung up.
• Fifth is Cosgrove. I have talked about him plenty; there's really no need to say anything else. Maybe an origin? First month or so of school in freshman year, we talked about Eurotrip nonstop on the bus. I said my favorite scene was the nude beach (you can't deny how disgustingly funny it is) and he said "You would like that scene, faggot." Actually, that wasn't it. It was that summer, when he was part of the football carpool. I decided to tag along to see if he was REALLY that big of a d-bag, and he was. He said his dad was a pilot for a certain large corporation, and that his dad flew around the executive assholes. My dad works for a certain large corporation, where he is an executive. Put two and two together.

That's pretty much it. Go to bed.