Awful Movie

Currently Listening To: I Predict A Riot by Kaiser Chiefs
I suppose I should preface this terrifying tale of me subjecting myself to unnecessary torture by providing a little background info:

When I was about ten or eleven, I saw a few minutes of a movie on TV. It was a recent horror movie about a haunted house which had (surprise of all surprises) trapped some people inside. One of them, who has a very large nose on which one could likely land a helicopter, gets fed up and attacks a painting of the house's original owner. The house retaliates by decapitating him with a large stone lion head. That ridiculous image has stuck with me over the past five or so years, not to the point of haunting my nightmares, but leaving me fascinated.

Fast forward to tonight, as I sit in my pajamas watching this movie on TV. Kind of a deja vu type scenario, as I sit on the same couch watching it on the same TV but in a different house. Anyways, long story short, the movie really blows. The stink of the movie still hangs in the air around the Cathode-Ray Shrine, and I'm sure my satellite box will never forgive me for such a grave dishonor as watching this movie on it.


First off, the unsightly-ness of the lead actress was distracting. Yes, that's superficial of me to say, especially considering how unattractive I am, but it still bothered me the entire time. This was not aided by how cliche the movie was. First you had the soulless professor who would stop at nothing to do this experiment (and don't get me started on how he thought the ghost story about the house was made up BY HIM but then turned out to be real), then the spoiled-rich city girl decked out in Prada shit, followed by the fratty no-head guy who was only interested in bedding the bitch and getting out of the house. There are two more characters who seem to serve no purpose whatsoever (why'd they even bother naming those guys?), and rounding off this diverse cast of white people is the aforementioned ugly chick, who is also crazy and somehow related to the house without even knowing.

There are no non-white people in the movie. Not even extras. What the fuck?

Anyways, the people fall victim to the traditional "Why did they think that was a good idea?" haunted house movie situations, except very little ever happens until late in the game. Most of the time is just spent showing the viewer that it's a big house, even bigger than the exterior would have you believe. So many unanswered questions... Why did the Pope movie the Vatican to rural Massachusetts? How is it that there is a giant castle that no one seems to know about, considering how densely populated Mass. is?

Ugh. It was awful. About forty-five minutes in, I realized I would not last much longer (two hour movie), so I watched most of the rest of it in fast-forward. I got to my beloved lion-decapitation scene and fast-forwarded to the end, quite disappointed.

There were a few redeeming factors to the movie: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Catherine Zeta-Jones' glam factor, Catherine Zeta-Jones' lesbianism (except she goes after the ugly chick), Owen Wilson's head being eaten by a rock lion head... That's about it. The house is pretty, too. I'd live there, all malicious spirits considered.