Tom Hanks Is Going To Hell

Alternate title: Robert Zemeckis could film himslef shitting on a table and it would still gross at least 5 mil. at the box office.

It's official: Tom Hanks has officially ruined Christmas. Moreover, he ruined my favorite childhood Holiday story. What Festivus-themed holiday book would that be? The Polar Express.


Here is my list of things NOT in the book, but in the movie:
1. Little boy not believing in Santa
2. Asshole train conductor (He was gonna throw the black girl off the train? Damn)
3. Shitty song and dance sequence when hot chocolate was served
4. Obnoxiously poor poor kid
5. Obnoxiously obnoxious nerd kid
6. Deranged pedophile hobo
7. Ski stunt
8. Asshole conductor (He was such an asshole I put him on here twice)
9. Action/conflict of any sort
10.Steven Tyler (Are you fucking kidding me?)
11. Tom Hanks in half of the movie's speaking parts
12. Radioactive Santa
13. Sex hungry hobo (which goes along with #6, but he was so bad that he qualified for two)
14. Just about everything else in the movie

Well congratulations Tom Hanks, you ruined Christmas. Babies were crying because this movie was so awful. Well, it wasn't awful, but it was freaky as shit. Makes Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka seem like... something less freaky as shit, I guess. Anyways, to sum things up, do yourslef a favor and don't go see this. and if you do, don't bring your collection of small children. Unless of course they are mute and can't talk during the movie. I guess you could bring a dead toddler, but it would likely be decomposing. And a bit heavier than they were before... in the before times......



EDIT: And might I add that if this movie were a 'stranger' test, the little boy would have failed. Do you know how many strangers he talked to throughout the course of the movie? And what kind of dumbass gets on a TRAIN with a stranger, nevertheless Tom 'fucking' Hanks. Dumb piece of shit. He deserved to die at the end. He got what he had coming.