Tom Hanks Is Going To Hell

Alternate title: Robert Zemeckis could film himslef shitting on a table and it would still gross at least 5 mil. at the box office.

It's official: Tom Hanks has officially ruined Christmas. Moreover, he ruined my favorite childhood Holiday story. What Festivus-themed holiday book would that be? The Polar Express.


Here is my list of things NOT in the book, but in the movie:
1. Little boy not believing in Santa
2. Asshole train conductor (He was gonna throw the black girl off the train? Damn)
3. Shitty song and dance sequence when hot chocolate was served
4. Obnoxiously poor poor kid
5. Obnoxiously obnoxious nerd kid
6. Deranged pedophile hobo
7. Ski stunt
8. Asshole conductor (He was such an asshole I put him on here twice)
9. Action/conflict of any sort
10.Steven Tyler (Are you fucking kidding me?)
11. Tom Hanks in half of the movie's speaking parts
12. Radioactive Santa
13. Sex hungry hobo (which goes along with #6, but he was so bad that he qualified for two)
14. Just about everything else in the movie

Well congratulations Tom Hanks, you ruined Christmas. Babies were crying because this movie was so awful. Well, it wasn't awful, but it was freaky as shit. Makes Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka seem like... something less freaky as shit, I guess. Anyways, to sum things up, do yourslef a favor and don't go see this. and if you do, don't bring your collection of small children. Unless of course they are mute and can't talk during the movie. I guess you could bring a dead toddler, but it would likely be decomposing. And a bit heavier than they were before... in the before times......



EDIT: And might I add that if this movie were a 'stranger' test, the little boy would have failed. Do you know how many strangers he talked to throughout the course of the movie? And what kind of dumbass gets on a TRAIN with a stranger, nevertheless Tom 'fucking' Hanks. Dumb piece of shit. He deserved to die at the end. He got what he had coming.

The one with all the links

Llama, llama.

Confrence bike.

I KNEW it! The earth is flat!

Aaaaah. Get it off me.

Puppets'd!

ENGLAND!

McGinley Alert!

dragonfly...

You can listen to music using your American Express?

So I was watching T.V. and this commercial came on. It had Ellen Degeneres or whatever her name is on there, and she was running around, jumping on her bed, bothering people in elevators and walking down the street and sht. Everywhere she went, music was playing, with all these different songs. I figured it would be some kind portable music playing thing, but no, the commercial was for Amex. I was like, wow, you can listen to music using your American Express? But then I thought, no a credit card couldn't hold a headphone jack. But it woulda been cool. Credit cars would become the next cell phones. They would be filled with all sorts of useless crap you never thought you'd need on a phone, but now cannot survive without. There would be cameracards, internetcards and cake cuttingcards, and you'd be like, I wonder what life was like before I could use my Amex to wipe my ass.

Great

Fuck you


So now my entire fucking family reads this. Yes, dear family, you DO piss me off to no end. Frankly, I wouldn't mind being like that guy on the Twilight Zone who wished everyone away. Glasses broke? Whoops. No one to keep me company? What a shame.


EDIT: Oh, yeah, Meredith? Robert and Madeline found your diary and read it. Whoops. Did I say that?

INVISIBLE'D!

You kids suck at covering up the fact that you were in my room.

The door was open. The computer had been turned off. Soemone had stolen my lightbulbs.



The people in my house have become increasingly worse at being covert and spy-like when breaking into my room. They could at least try to cover up their tracks. And then stealing a light bulb? I know you kids are reading this and I HATE YOU. Just kidding. But sometimes- scratch that- most of the time, you kids piss me off.

MY SIBLINGS: Proving survival of the fittest isn't true since 1988!

My Sister's blog

No, not sickie, it's the youngest one's blog. Cut her some slack, she's nine (even though when she registered, she said she was 20).

ANOTHER POST FOR GROOD LUCK.

DVD
Originally uploaded by CliveDangerously.

Check it out, fools. It's my DVD collection. Isn't it great? Yes, yes it is. If you said no, you were wrong. If you can't read the title of one or two or seventeen, then IM me. Actually, don't, because I'm too good for you.



EDIT: Okay, so it's a shitty picture, but what can you expect? I've got the smallest room in the house and this is the best spot for a picture like this.

a new pic "4" u lololol

awesome
Originally uploaded by CliveDangerously.

This is me. A real life picture I took yesterday. Yes, I am awesome, and I hope that you DO vote for me. For awesome. I'm glad they finally established an election for awesome.

EDIT: And I'm glad I won said election.

(translated "4" aol "peeps"): n im :) eye 1 sed e-tion

I've Lost All Faith In Bush

I used to always try to look at Bush with an open mind. After all, it can't be easy to run one of the biggest countries in the world. But this week, I... I heard something that no one intelligent could devise. I was watching/listening to CNN, and they said that the government now places minigolf courses as likely targets for terrorists. WHO THE FUCK GOES TO MINIGOLF COURSES? But that wasn't the issue. That wasn't what REALLY set me off. Then, they said that terrorists are now going to use lasers. These lasers would be generally aimed at airplanes. Not to blow them up, but to blind the pilots. This is ridiculous, folks. How are they gonna control them? They live in caves! And different caves every night! It would cost an assload to move a control center for a laser canon EVERY DAY. I mean FUCK.

Check out this asshole's site. Wait, on second thought, don't. Why the fuck does he get to be on T.V. and I don't? Here's to that fat blubbering piece of shit choking on his own self.

Help, Friends is on and I can't find the remote!

God, how I loathe that show. Why can't they put something good on after the Simpsons? I am officially unwell. My sister got strep at the end of last week and, instead of quarantining herself, decided to begin infecting the rest of the household. At least I don't have to go to the bastardous institution known to most as school. but then again, I'll have to go back at some point. SHIT. I may update tomorrow, depending on whether or not I do.

Worship Me

Yes, I am your superior. Accept it and bow down before me, and tremble with fear when I get pissed at you for stealing my joint. Now give me my joint back, dammit.

Nothing To Do Today

We had yet again no school today. I love having nothing to do. Boredom is bliss.



As part of my boredom, I watched CNN. The satelite was (who'd have guessed it) screwing up and skipping and what not, and it made the anchor lady sound like she was saying '...he is fucking dead', but with the 'fucking' bleeped out. I thought it was funny. Fuck you.

They Said It Couldn't Be Done

But tonight, I proved them wrong. Yes, I ate a meal consisting entirely of leftover stuffing. With ketchup on top. Oh, God, I think I'm gonna be sick.



EDIT: I think I'm either going to have a heart attack or my chest will burst open and a little tap dancing alien will come out.

I Always Felt Bad For Thanksgiving

It feels like people have Halloween and just jump straight on to Christmas. I mean, the day after Thanksgiving, it's the biggest shopping day of the year. Why is it the biggest shopping day of the year? Everyone is preping for Christmas. And there are songs and movies made for Christmas, to go along side all of the Christmas-special episodes of T.V. shows. What does Thanksgiving get? A parade and a fucking dog show. Who watches dog shows in the first place, besides people who participate in them? Anyways, I thought I'd rant for no reason and with very limited support for my bitching.




Oh, yeah, my little sister got her first call from a boy in her class. No, not a 'What's our homework?' call. A 'You're really pretty' call. Needless to say, I gave him an interview and found that he isn't good enough for my baby sister. Actually, I wasn't really paying attention. The conversation got boring, so I told him he failed the test and that he'd have to find another girl. In fact, IM him at LittleRhino14 and tell him he's not good enough for Madeline. And remind him frequently.




What? She's on the phone with him right now? Not if I can help it.

Clark Howard is a stingy bastard.

Clark Howard, for those of you lucky enough to not know about this shithead, is a guy on an Atlanta news show that always has tips to help stingy penny-pincher and frugal pig fuckers, among others, save money. Today, his annual "How To Scam Your Kids This Holiday Season" show aired. At the end, he said that out of the top ten rated toys, most were store brand and that kids do not care about the brand of the toy, just that they get the toy. That's true... but only when your testing group is from the ghetto and that's what they were going to get anyways. Most kids do care about the brand of the toy. It's no wonder his children hate him. I would too if he admited on television that he never buys name brand stuff for his kids just to save the extra buck. The bastard's got plenty of dough yet still shops at the fucking dollar tree. What a piece of dog shit on the shoe of life. The K-Mart brand shoe of life.






That he got used at a thrift shop.


And yes, there is another new post under this, though it won't be new after a while. But, hey, a double update day isn't half bad.


POST EDITED FOR SHITTY-NESS. Also, my mom said that ol' Clark has at least $1,ooo,ooo, which makes me hate him even more. He also announced on the radio that he gets his teenager daughter's back to school clothes at a thrift shop. Some one please hit this man with a bus, and fast.

Know what's kinda stupid? All of the local radio stations have a bunch these of these 'just music' hours. For those of you who are stupid dumbasses, that means that they don't play comercials. That does NOT include promos constantly being aired in between songs reminding you that they aren't playing comercials and thus are the best radio station ever. What apparently didn't occur to the radio station execs is that it's not the fact that the commercials are advertising that bothers people so much as it is the fact the the commercials interrupt the music-playing. SIRIUS radio seems to do that alot to. "This is SIRIUS radio. We don't play commercials. No commercials. None. At all. Let me keep goingon about this for 30 more seconds, which basically means that I'm advertising something to you that you've already got." Know what else I heard? TiVo is now going to make it so that you can't avoid commercials. Wasn't that the point of Tivo in the first place? So you could watch something aftef it came on and without any interuptions? I mean, you pay to use it, and they're still making you sit through ads, which are responsible for making the basic channels free in the first place.


But watching Final Destination 2 will make it aaaaaaaaaall better.

The Door Isn't Closed For A Reason, Asshole

You may or may not, depending on whether or not you obsess over this site, remember a post a long time ago about my siblings always trying to break into my room. Well, on Monday, one of those morons decided they wanted to get on my computer. I had locked the door because my brother kept pushing it open and I could hear one of them trying to unlock the door, so I went to sit next to the door to keep him/her out. Then the other two came. All three of them were pushing on my door and trying to unlock. To make a long, stupid, boring story short, they broke the door. It no longer closes. Well, FUCK BEANS. I ask my dad if I could buy a dead bolt for my door (with my own money), but he said no. It's great to hear that my parents are so concerned about the fact that my three siblings are constantly ganging up on me. I know that sounds incredibly whiny, but these kids are really starting to piss me off. When the door is(was) closed or locked, it means(meant) "STAY THE FUCK AWAY". Now they come in, watch my T.V. and get on my computer as they please. And considering that this week is Thanksgiving, the Three Stooges will always be there to PISS ME OFF. Looks like a fun week ahead of me.


Now I sit here waiting until noon for Night of the Living Dead to come on on some channel I have never heard of before.

Cosgrove and another kid got in a fight.
Over a paper mache pig.
Cosgrove gave the kid a bloody nose.
A kick in the nuts, too.
What a bunch of fucking dumbasses.

A poem by me.

It was the worst fight ever. Everyone was crowded around them at the Cove. People (really just me) were cheering, shouting and doing whatever they (I) could to further promote the fight. Cosgrove was all, "You pussy. Me better than you cause me wrestler." The other kid was like, "Confucius say, 'If I don't fight, he does not win.'" A glass cup was broken, a goth/punk/emo/whatever chick was pushed down and the other kid ACCEPTED his ass kicking. The pre- and post-fight quotes uttered by the Cos' and the other kid were hilarious. Basically, they both thought they won when neither did.






In other news, I found this little ball thingy that you can take apart into two pieces and they can be used like the coconuts in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. So I ran around yesterday after exams, you guessed it, galloping like a horse with my fake coconuts. And aparently, alot more kids than I had once thought have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

I was just reading over some of my first posts when I realized just how stupid they were. Then I got to thinking: What if I went back and Lucas'd it, and re-wrote all of those old posts and made them funny? I mean, the old posts were awful, but if I had readers, they'd be all, "What the fuck were you thinking?" And I'd be like, "This isn't a metaphor to the Star Wars series." But still, wait, what?




My DVD collection is now at 70. As of last Saturday, this was my DVD collection. Then my dad and I traded in Tomb Raider 2 and the Matrix Revolutions at Blockbuster and got the Lost Boys and Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, neither of which I had seen before, both of which turned out OK. Yesterday, we went again and they finally had the Punisher used. I was about to get that and the Michael Moore movie when, lo and behold, I saw at my feet THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. IT WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE. THANK GOD SOME POOR SAP HAS SHITTY TASTE IN MOVIES AND TRADED IN A BRAND NEW COPY.


EDIT: I just remembered that my dad borrowed Office Space, so the official count is 71. Hooray.


My Spanish teacher is a bastard. You see, I go to a private school, and my parents pay for him to teach me and prepare me for tests and exams DURING CLASS. But no, class time is reserved for soap-box speaches on how Bush is killing the enviroment. You see, we have to come to an exam review session on Sunday afternoon if we want to do well. Well I've got news for that blubbering fat piece of shit: I live an hour away from school, so a 2 hour review session in the middle of Sunday afternoon will completely spend my day. God, how I loathe that man.

Thought you kids might like to now that I now have an actual picture of me posted in my profile. Hopefully I'll update this weekend(and that's fo' real-real, not fo' play-play).

I seriously think aliens are abducting me on a regular basis

That or I cut my bruise my self in my sleep. Or some crazed midget dressed as a clown hiding in my room has been doing it. But I think I would have smelt him by now, so I can rule that idea out.

Last night I had a great dream. I was cut on the face and the scar was huge. People everywhere were like, "That cut is AWESOME." And so the Clive Dangerously face scar became the newest fad and I was popular. Of course I woke disappointed, with no facial scar the size of... something... big and still no popularity.

Oh yeah, my ex-friends noticed the fact that I was counter-ignoring them. Well look who came crawling back. FUCKERS.

Oh, and one more thing. I bought a box of White Castle burgers last night at the grocery store. The hot cashier girl was impressed. She used to live in South Dakota where White Castle burgers were like gold or porn or crack, but no one likes them here, despite the fact that they are Krystal burgers but better and with a different name. The burgers were sooooo good. I might go make some more and sell my siblings for to purchase more burgers.

Goal for this next week: learn how to travel through the internet to strangle people.

I swear if I see someone type something like *giggles* or :::dodges flying objects::: one more time I will fucking snap.

Today was the best day ever. Spanish report? Now due Monday. Bio test? Moved to Tuesday. History paper? 95. Half of my classes today? Missed to due a not-quite-as-negative-as-usual dentist visit. Thrown out of the library? Yes*. So fuck all of you trying to bring me down. That would include the nerd group at school, who seem to think that because they play Dance Dance Revolution, hang out with older nerds and are in the Steel Drum Band they are automatically cool. Guess what kids? That doesn't change the fact that YOU'RE FUCKING NERDS. Too cool for me, eh? It would seem to be the opposite. I don't play video games at all and I am sure as hell not a band geek, so why am I being shunned by the bottom of the social barrel? FUCK THEM.

Fuck diddly fuck fuck.
Fuck-a-doodle-doo.


At least I'll have a girlfriend before they... do something... nerdy, I guess.

*THERE IS NO FUN ALLOWED IN THE LIBRARY. LAUGHTER=BANISHMENT. JOY=SEVERE CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.

I got in a fight with the 'Cos tuh-day. No, not everyone's favorite Jell-O salesman, but everyone's least favorite COSGROVE. One could say he beat the ever-living shit out of me. But I kept egging him on anyways. He was all, "I'll punch you in the face!" And he hit me in the leg, to which I replied, "You missed, asshole." So he hit me again. In the arm. I reminded him that my arm is NOT my face, and I was hit again and again and again. But never in the face. Once in the stomach, but never in the face. Dumbass. And he poured coffee on me. This was all because I stole his hat. It was a shitty hat anyways (He's one of them lobotmized Georgia "Dawg" fans).



EDIT: And I suppose it never occured to them that I no longer care about their problems.