I don't care what anyone says. Roald Dahl stole the concept for James and the Giant Peach from me. That euro-Bastard. Here was the original story, which can only be found here. Read the first comment.
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2 comments:
Jimmy lived a happy life with his parents. They would sit on the concrete beach near their house. Until one day, when Jimmy's parents were incinerated by his explosive flatulence. “Holy shit!” he exclaimed. Then he realized the terrible irony of that last statement, and began laughing hysterically.
It was decided by the courts that poor Jimmy had to go live with his awful aunts. Well, they weren’t exactly aunts. They were obese hermaphrodites from cave in Bratislava. But we’ll call them ‘aunts’ for lack of better description. Anyways, they were terrible. They made him watch The Ellen Degeneres Show, took him shopping for women’s underwear, and they made him live in a hole underneath the rug in the living room.
One day, when Jimmy was out side, he was approached by a funny looking old man. “Want some magical crocodile eyebrows? They’ll make any fruits you grow really big1” Jimmy didn’t trust him, so he stuck his arm down the old man’s throat and ripped out his spinal cord. Then he took the magical eyebrows anyways. He took the old codger’s advice and buried the eyebrows next to the peach tree. But the man’s body had begun to decompose, so he hid the body next to the pear tree.
The next morning, Jimmy woke up and saw a huge pear outside. As it turned out, the man was an employee at the Chernobyl nuclear facility and the radioactivity made one of the pears a lot bigger. He ran outside to the pear. “Maybe I can climb inside and travel to Chicago with a band of misfit humanoid bugs!” All of a sudden, the ground began to shake. The pear was moving! It became detached from the tree and began to roll towards Jimmy. It rolled right over him, crushing him along with his hopes and dreams of leaving his terrible life. The pear, now with a little orphan imprinted into the side of it, rolled down a hill and off a cliff, where it smashed into a billion pieces on the parking lot located conveniently below the cliff.
THE END
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